Clouds and Water - 1000 Days of Ferocious Effort!

Obstacle or Impetus?

2011-05-07T13:57:00.003-04:00

Often, life will provide us with unexpected twists and turns in our journey. We may feel that they are undeserved, or unwelcome, or, in some cases, more than we are capable of contending with.

When some situation or circumstance is imposed upon us in this fashion, we must decide how we will respond.

Lamenting our bad fortune or indulging in self-pity may be an honest human reaction, however, when one considers that it seldom improves our circumstances, and more often than not only serves to alienate others who may otherwise be part of our support group or community, or to declare our 'victimhood' and thus, our powerlessness, it is my thought that this is a wasteful use of mental, spiritual and physical energy and generally only increases the level of suffering that we already are contending with.

So. What am I referring to, and what can one do with such circumstances?

I am referring specifically to a personal obstacle that I am confronting; I have been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes and Hypertension (high blood pressure), and my doctor advised me that I must lose weight. I cannot say that he is wrong, I am 6' tall, and weighed 271 lbs on 30 March 2011, which was the day that I saw him to receive medical clearance to undergo surgery to have a ventral hernia repaired. As I write this post, I weigh approximately 243 lbs, and steadily losing (though I am at a 'set-point' just now, and will strive to maintain this weight for a few months before focusing on losing another 10% increment of my body weight - otherwise my body, striving to retain its homeostasis will do whatever it may, including to breakdown muscle-mass in order to creep the body weight back to what it perceives to be a 'set-point'. I will outline some of the other steps I have taken to address this situation in as mindful and conscious a method as I am capable of.)

In a general sense, however, the 'obstacle' might be anything that is unexpected, and which forces us to change our approach to living. As humans, we tend to fear and resist change, or at the least to view impending change, particularly that which is forced or imposed upon us, as negative. It may or may not be... but, no matter the case, until we fully accept the situation, we will not be capable of moving on with our lives in a positive manner.

I think that at this point, many people will be thinking 'accept?! How can I accept *this*?!! It is UN-acceptable!!" -- so, in order to offer some clarity as to my meaning, I offer this; When I say accept, I do not mean 'embrace' or 'like' or 'enjoy'. I mean, well.. 'accept'. What I am saying is that a fact is a fact. It is information, and does not inherently have any degree of judgement attached to it. Any circumstance or situation may be good or bad depending upon who or what is viewing it... and their subjective circumstances. If we are faced with a health problem, we must accept that this situation is a fact, we may find it painful, but.. a fact is a fact. Once we have learned to open our hearts to the reality of the circumstances.... there is nothing that prevents us from determining how we might either bring about positive change, if that is an option.. or tinkering and tweaking our response to the situation in order to arrive at the most positive approach available to us. Being overweight, or having been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes and high blood pressure, for instance, offers a number of positive responses; Improved diet, healthy and active exercise/lifestyle, improved self-awareness and self-responsibility, etc. The simple truth is that while Type 2 diabetes and hypertension may be leading causes of stroke, heart disease, amputations, blindness, kidney failure and a host of other health issues and complications... MANAGED diabetes and hypertension are the leading cause of . . . ** NOTHING **.

I suppose that the main theme of this post, if there must be one, is self-responsibility. To accept the reality of our current situation and state of being, status, or what have you... to remain firmly grounded in the truth, with both feet planted solidly... and to directly face whatever we are called upon to confront without flinching, rationalizing, deflecting or avoiding is not an easy thing to do.

There are no guarantees in life, however.. and whatever happens to us is part of our story. No one is coming to rescue us. No one can fix our problems. We must do it. Or, conversely.. we will be forced to accept the consequences of our failure to do so.

In my case, I have come to realize that I have a choice; I can make time to eat right, exercise properly, improve and maintain my health and vitality...

Or;

I will have to make time for disease, blindness, amputations, pain, and likely an untimely death.

I choose life.

While it is true that diabetes is a crappy job with no days off and lousy pay... where one is forced to play the 'human pin cushion' each and every day... it is also true that if this is one's situation, it must be faced.. or not.

What you choose or do not choose has ramifications. Not choosing to do something is the EXACT same thing as choosing NOT to do something.. albeit in a mushy, indistinct, sleep-walking fashion.

Living 'mindfully' or 'consciously' means just that.. being 'awake' and 'conscious' and 'mindful' of each and every moment and fraction of a moment that comprises one's life.

I suggest that it is vitally important, if one has chosen to life in this fashion to strive diligently for more self-direction, personal responsibility, self-management, and a greater capacity for innovation. The benefits of this are an ability to exercise independent judgment, to open frontiers of the limitless possibilities which will then face us no matter in which direction we happen to look, fearlessness, and, consequently, a higher degree of self-autonomy. It is empowering indeed to realize that we are capable of cultivating our own resources, and to truly take responsibility for our own choices, actions and values. Learning to trust in ourselves, and to rely upon our own capabilities, judgment, discernment, and self-reliance confers a belief in ourselves that is based in truth and reality. This, in turn, instills confidence in our ability to think, learn and skillfully react to whatever life may place in our path.

There are no guarantees. I have said this in the past, and I will reiterate it.. over and over. The moment we truly accept and believe this to be true.. that we are humans; and that it is our nature to become sick, to grow old, and die... but that in this moment, there are infinite possibilities available to us to live fully and completely in this breath-moment.. and that in this moment.. the only moment that we will ever have access to; the entire cosmos exists. Our lives are inextricably intertwined and interwoven not only with one another's lives, but with everything. There is no subject/object. There is only *this*.

I have done my utmost to respond to the circumstances that I am facing; by doing whatever I can do.. whenever I can do it.. it isn't a sprint. Its a marathon, and I am in it fully for the long-haul. The surgery repaired an injury that prevented me from being able to do very much in the way of physical activity.. and happily, that obstacle has been removed from my path. The rest is entirely up to me.

I am walking every day, under the sun.. or the rain, depending upon the day. I am training diligently in the gym a few times per week. I am eating more mindfully, sleeping better, and feeling better. My blood pressure and glucose levels are fantastic, and I am getting stronger by the day.

The diabetes and blood pressure is not, as it turns out, my obstacle.. my *mind* and my *attitude* were the obstacle. Change is often thought to happen over a long, slow period of time... but change happens in an instant! Just like that! -- The implementation of that change.. and the measurable results might take a bit of time... but, that seems to be both the good news, and the bad news.

The bad news is that change takes time to produce measurable results.

The good news is that change takes time to produce measurable results.

The truth is that change will occur, and we can try to hide from it .. or we can respond to it, with skill and with the best effort that we can bring to bear, both consciously, and with mindfulness.

Whether change is an obstacle, or whether it provides us with a positive impetus to bring about the best possible circumstances attainable to us is entirely according to our state of mind.

In peace & brotherhood.

Bu-Gohn Unsui

_/|\_

A Meditation ...

2011-02-13T02:41:00.003-05:00

Suppose that your life will never be any different than it is in this breath-Moment?

Suppose that you have exactly 24 hours left to live, and there is nothing that can be done to change it?

The clock is ticking...

What then?

_/|\_

"This is the way of those who are skilled and peaceful, who seek the good and follow the path:

May they be able and upright, straightforward, of gentle speech and not proud.
May they be content and easy wherever they are.
May they be unburdened, with their senses calm.
May they be wise and not arrogant.
May they live without desire for the possessions of others.
May they do no harm to any living being.

May all beings be happy.
May they live in safety and joy.
All living beings, whether weak or strong, old or young, man or woman, smart or foolish, healthy or disabled, seen or unseen, near or distant, born or to be born, may they all be happy.

Let no one deceive or despise another being, whatever their status.
Let no one by anger or hatred wish harm to another.

As parents watch over their children, willing to risk their own lives to protect them, so with a boundless heart may we cherish every living being, bathing the entire world with unobstructed and unconditional loving-kindness.

Standing or walking, sitting or lying down, in each moment may we remain mindful of this heart and this way of living that is the best in all the world."

Being Ordinary

2011-02-06T11:29:00.006-05:00

Zen is not about being special in any way. It is about being ordinary. Going somewhat further than that, it is about reducing the self to nothingness.. if you are 'anything' you will suffer, but if one can dissolve one's self completely, another more basic, truer self will fill the void.

This true self is sometimes called one's 'Buddha Nature' or Buddha-Dhatu. This intrinsic, immortal potential for enlightenment is a natural human legacy that we all share.. indeed, all sentient beings share this, and it is this 'Buddha Nature' that we recognize and love in one another.

In my own personal practice, I have been striving to slowly cut and chip away at everything and anything that is even slightly extraneous, with mixed success. It is an effort to bring my zen more into my everyday, ordinary, mundane life. One might think of it as 'Zen off of the cushion'.

During this last year of practice, I detected in myself a tendency to act and practice from a standpoint of one who would be subsequently writing a post to describe my experiences and insight... which had the counter-productive result in my experiences and insights turning out to be somewhat false and less than spontaneous. In effect, I began to subconsciously 'nudge' my practice in the direction of a more interesting and thought-provoking blog post. And so, the ego creeps in, as it is continuously wont to do, and before one realizes, the prisoners are running the prison, and the blog is creating the life that the blogger will write about. I therefore decided to simply set the blog aside and to focus on my 'daily life zen' living as much as I was able in an honest, straightforward, mindful and spontaneous fashion. A life without pretense, lived directly, with as few 'plys' of notional thinking, opinion etc.

I am beginning to feel the need to further simplify my lifestyle, both in my daily activities and by way of purging material belongings that I do not honestly have any need for.

Oddly, each time I do this, I come to learn that my needs are much less than I had believed the previous time I have done this. So, I am very skillful at deceiving myself through multiple iterations, it would seem.

My practice, much like breathing, seems to follow a curving path of increased and decreased tension or sustained effort. I don't analyze this, I simply accept it as being what it is. In this final year of Ferocious Effort, I will likely bring much of the more traditional trappings and formalities of Zen practice back into my daily practice. The experiment with 'Zen as daily life' (i.e., eating, sleeping, working zen) was a success. I do not need the formalities.. but, I find that the formal 'envelope' is a convenient method of ordering the day, and of effortlessly focusing the energies of my practice.

I feel that I may now resume posting, at least until I catch myself altering my practice to suit a blog post.

On a more personal note, I have gotten comments and some complaints from family and friends making reference to my reclusiveness. I am not sure how best to address this. I am a renunciant and contemplative. I reside and practice in a hermitage, and I find that this solitude is very helpful to my practice. It is not, however, indicative of any lack of care or love on my part toward others. What is difficult for many people to accept about monasticism is, I believe, the monastics desire to remain detached and the monk's intrinsic quest for the 'Great Silence'. I have come to believe that if lay people *did* understand this, they would be monks. However, this would not be good for anybody. The world cannot consist of monks. I also think that those of us who do have a calling for a contemplative lifestyle are, in essence, somewhat peculiar. It is this peculiarity that drives us to find answers to questions that most people do not pose, and also to seek a lifestyle that best fits our intrinsic nature. It is neither bad nor good. It simply is. So, I suppose I must answer that I am living precisely as I am living... and that I am what I am. My practice continues, and I am grateful that anyone would hold enough care and love for me in their hearts that my absence would drive them to broach the subject. What I would like them to understand is that there is no subject or object.. there is no here or there.. and there is no distance, no absence. I am always 'here' always holding everyone in my heart.

We, as humans, want to take those that we love into our arms, and embrace them, holding them close in an eternal embrace that will never change, and never end. We want to preserve the perfect moment for all time.

It would be nice if this were possible, but, when we embrace, and want to hold on to our loved one forever, it is also true that eventually; someone ALWAYS has to go to the bathroom!!

The upside is that we can always embrace again.

I wish you success in your practice.

New Year - Now what?

2010-01-01T14:56:00.003-05:00

It is the first day of 2010, and we all have that 'clean new shiny empty canvass - and what are we going to do with it?' feeling...

For my part, I have come to believe that every single breath-moment is a brand new shiny canvass... and so, I am constantly doing my best (with mixed success, admittedly) to figure out what to do with the new moment.

If I have a New Year's resolution, it is this: Simplify.

That's all. Nothing else.

I don't want to add things... I want to carve them away... slough things off... like a new butterfly shakes off its cocoon...

I don't want to be concerned with 'things'... or 'programs' or 'plans'... I just want to live... completely... every moment.

I will continue to go through this house, and give away or sell off whatever I can manage to do without..

... and I will try to make the most out of whatever is left.

Here is to a wonderful 2010. I sincerely wish all of you and your families and loved ones the very best for this year, and the years to come.

May you be peaceful,
May you be happy,
May you be safe,
May you awaken to the light of your own true nature,
May you be Free!

In peace, brotherhood, humility, and loving-kindness...

Bu-Gohn

Winds and Tides..

2009-12-13T11:04:00.003-05:00

I am finding it difficult to find a schedule that adequately allows time for me to train, to sit Zazen, to chant, to work, and to get done the myriad list of tasks which must be done in order for the household to continue to run smoothly.

Compounding this, is the fact that I am perpetually tired lately..

I tend to notice this feeling to some degree at least at each change of seasons... or, more accurately, at each solstice and equinox time.. I am not sure if it is actually a physical thing, or whether I subconsciously know that the time is coming, and create it without meaning to.... whatever the case, I *feel* it, and struggle with it... and it makes things difficult at times.

Rather than become frustrated, I am simply acknowledging that there are cycles within cycles, and I will give it a week or two to 'work its way out', or not, and then I will tighten up and get back on track with a stricter mindset.

Certainly, I intend to be back on an even footing for the 'Rohatsu' Sesshin time-frame.

As in most things, arranging time is a delicate and constantly-changing dance involving the intricate give and take that is called for when trying to manage very limited resources.

I think that doing that is beneficial in its own way, however, I must find and eliminate the 'dead space' in my day, and ensure that I can allot the proper time to my practice.. the time is in there *somewhere* - I just have to find a better method of not only managing my time, but of doing it without creating headaches for myself and others.

I have noticed in the past that these fragments of time where we are buffeted and blown by the winds and tides of daily life often last for a relatively short period, and then calm and order once again ensues.. but, sometimes I have to help a bit.

Just as we must breathe in and out in order to stay alive, we must expand and contract in other areas of our lives as well.

I will use this time of relaxation to organize and tighten up other facets of my life and surroundings so that when it is time to contract once again, and to begin exerting a tighter degree of effort and concentration, I will be ready.

This is all part of the practice, in any case... if it simply fell into place with no necessity to work at it.. it would be pointless.

And I'm Off!! (... like a herd of turtles!)

2009-11-30T08:00:00.003-05:00

I have received a message indicating that my thesis proposal has been accepted, as is, and that I may proceed with the project.

To my *great* shock, I have one month to complete it. ( !!??!! )

One. (Somewhere along the line, I had gotten the insane idea that I had two years to complete this paper. ONE. MONTH. !

All questions of worthiness, topic, and nearly everything else have been set aside and I am working hard to get this done properly ... and within the time constraints set by the committee.

Many, many thanks to my long time Martial Arts training partner, fellow 'person of Scottish ancestry,' brother-in-arms, and friend of 24 years for pointing me in the proper direction, and helping me to rein in all of the unskillful thoughts so that I could step off immediately and get started with useful work... thereby avoiding the time wasting useless activity of casting about for some way to approach a very large question.

I (luckily) have a great deal of research data compiled that can be used to write this paper (this topic has long been of interest to me... and this is not the first such paper I have been called upon to write, so, at least I am somewhat ahead of the power curve on that part of it..!)

Now there is nothing left but to get to it!!

Thesis Proposal Statement

2009-11-27T23:13:00.004-05:00

I have just completed and submitted my Thesis Proposal Statement to the Dan Promotion Examination Board's Thesis Committee Chair, and must now await their response.

I have pasted a modified version of the title page, which more or less outlines the proposed topic of my thesis. If it is approved, the clock (and the work!) will begin in earnest.

Although I honestly do not feel at all as though I am deserving of promotion to 7th Dan (whether physically, technically, emotionally, or otherwise... and I promise you that this is most definitely *not* false modesty, or self-effacing nonsense.. I really don't think that this is something that I am in any way prepared for...), that having been said, I suspect that stepping outside of my comfort zone, and facing something that I don't precisely fear, though I am very uncomfortable with, ('Jarred' by may be a more apt description of my feelings about it) is part of the learning process. A Martial Arts journey is a journey of discovery, and in most cases, a journey of self-discovery; and so - I have been given the task of preparing a thesis proposal statement, submitting it for consideration... and, if approved, of preparing a thesis approximately 35 pages in length which defends my proposal, or which adequately analyzes or explains my concept, theory, or argument.

I will do my best to submit a thesis that will meet or exceed the standards set for me. (My own personal feelings notwithstanding. I have my marching orders, and so I will do my best.) Whatever comes to pass, if I learn from the experience, it will be useful to me. Also, it will not be the first rank promotion that I knew I had to 'grow into', so, whatever the outcome, it will be good in the long run, I think.

Here is the modified title page (I have removed all identifying information, names, locations, etc., by request of my teachers - as this is a work in progress. I will not publish the completed thesis here, though I may paraphrase parts of it over the course of a few posts. The first order of business is, naturally, to actually write a thesis in the first place!! And, in order to do that, my proposal must be approved.. so, that is what I am now waiting for. Wish me luck!

THESIS PROPOSAL STATEMENT

‘Boep-Won-Am Ga Sam-Ak Soen-Bul Jang-Gwon-Do Hyup-Hoe’

(법원암가 삼악류파 선불 장권도 무술협회)

(法園庵家三岳流派禪佛掌拳道武術協會)

(The Dharma-Garden Hermitage School ‘Three Peaks’ Tradition, Zen Buddhist ‘Palm (Open Hand)/Fist Way’ Martial Arts Association)

An Expository Thesis Regarding the Process of Formulation of the Jang-Gwon-Do Ryu-Pa and its Utilization as an Adjunct Spiritual Refinement Zen Monastic Practice

Gwon-Sa V. Bu-Gohn Sunim, 6th Dan

November 2009

Thesis Committee

.......... Chair

Submitted as proposed thesis topic in partial fulfillment of the requirements
for the degree of 7th Dan, Boep-In

This work is copyrighted and may not be reproduced in whole or in part in any medium without the express permission of the author.

Day 50 - Getting Up to Speed

2009-11-25T11:48:00.004-05:00

I am training (physically) on a daily basis (no excuses!!), and have begun 'palm' training once again, from the very beginning.

(I have decided to go back to 'square one' and go over everything with a fine-toothed comb to make sure that everything is as precise and as expertly done as is possible. I think it is a good practice to do this with most things from time to time... I often surprise myself at how much I think I know.. only to find out that facts have 'migrated' and things have slowly changed, gotten sloppy, or simply transformed into something other than what they should be.... so...

It is my plan to increase the difficulty of my training each week... by manipulating intensity, repetition, difficulty, or body position... while trying to keep the relative length of time more or less the same (Time is a resource, and I cannot stretch it... so I have to find skillful ways of working around that limitation...).

I think that the wisest way for me to proceed is to determine what is really the essence of my own personal martial arts practice or style... and what is not... meaning that, at the age of 50, it is not likely that I will see much progress in developing new skills, particularly in the realm of those skills requiring much more advanced levels of flexibility or agility than what I already possess. This is not to say that I cannot enhance my flexibility, my speed, my agility, and other attributes.. only that measurable change will most likely be slow, and not all that perceptible at this stage of the game. So, I must practice those skills that are most likely to be practical for me in the years to come, and spend less time on those which are not... or make a decision to set them aside.

Since time, as I have mentioned, is a resource, and one that is not controllable... it is best to use it wisely. So, my thought is to find those skills that I already have a relatively high-degree of skill in; and work the attributes needed for mastery of those skills to the point of being 'magical' - by which I mean that the vast majority of people would not believe such a skill level probable or even possible. Naturally, this is easier said than done... and will take an extraordinary amount of effort on my part.

My martial art is not 'artful' or 'elegant' to look at... it isn't particularly nice-looking... and, from a third person's perspective, to be honest, it doesn't really look as though I am doing very much... at least from what others have said to me. However, a person who plays with me often remarks on my ability to 'root' to the ground.. my power-generation skills (this is not the same as muscle strength... it is similar to the strength of a chair or other wedge-like prop set against a door to keep it from being opened possesses.) This type of power comes from fine-tuned body structure, a knowledge of angles... and superbly conditioned body-core muscles, tissues, and fascia (sitting here today... I can no longer claim to have such finely tuned core musculature... but, I am working on it and expect to see some amazing and measurable difference over the coming year or so.) As I have said.. I know that my martial abilities are not pleasing to look at.. but, I like to think that they have their uses for me. At the very least, it is a pleasing and interesting way for me to remain fit, agile, strong and flexible... or at least that is my hope.

The other abilities that intend to focus on are an ability to move my body from 'point A' to 'point b' with astonishing quickness... (this is partly physical.. and partly about knowing when and how to time the actual movement... and the inherent lack of 'lag time' which is a benefit of years of such training.... 'listening skills' - also known as 'contact sensitivity' - which is a specialty of my martial art; we learn to become extremely sensitive to contact pressure, and respond almost without thought. I have to fine tune this skill.. which may be problematic since I train alone... however, I will do the best that I can under the circumstances... timing and knowledge of anatomy are other skills that can be used to advantage, and, lastly, speed... speed is not simply speed, you see.. there is actual physical speed - the ability to physically move a limb or limbs from one point in space to another... there is mental speed.. the ability to perceive a stimulus, decide what to do, and put some plan into action... and there is what I will call 'perceived' speed... which is how one's movements appear to the opponent - and, believe it or not, this can be manipulated and used. This skill is primarily gained through knowledge, timing, and experience.. a facility with footwork, understanding of breathing, and the rhythm of body movements... how to use half and quarter beats to one's advantage, etc. - this last will be a trick to train alone also.. but, I have to work with the hand that I am dealt. My first goal is to get my body structure toned, tuned, and tight... everything else will fall into place afterward...

My Zen practice is strong and improving... and my general outlook.. my 'kibun' (mood, spirit, demeanor, etc.) is good. I am strong, becoming once more tenacious and tough-minded, and hope to see some fantastic improvement during the next few weeks and months.

I want to build a 'Gwon Go' (Makiwara in Japanese) which is a striking post... and I have a 'speed ball' that must be re-inflated and mounted for training. I need to come up with some method of training my hand and forearm strength (for gripping), and I am tossing around an idea of a stretching rope along the edge of my training surface so that I have something to hold onto when trying to increase my flexibility.. but, perhaps that is something that will just become extraneous once my flexibility improves... I will hold off on that for now.

I am pleasantly tired, my hands hurt .. but in a 'good' way (it isn't the heat.. its the humidity! HA!), and I must be getting ready to go to work.

Things are going as planned.. with the only sticking point being that I am still digging in my heels and claws at the thought of naming this conglomeration that I practice, and calling it a 'system' or 'style' - it just doesn't seem to be something that I am skillful or knowledgeable enough to do... it is much, much bigger than I am... however, my preceptor will have none of it... and I have been told in no uncertain terms that nobody ever feels ready or skillful enough, or knowledgeable enough.. in fact, I was reminded that the Buddha himself did not feel comfortable with teaching what he had awakened to for much the same reasons....

This doesn't really help me at all. I still feel like a great big fraud even considering it... so... I am dragging my feet... stalling.. and finding stupid excuses to shift my attention to other things. They haven't set a time limit on me so far to submit a topic... though I feel as though I have been neatly boxed in and more or less fed the topic that I should choose...

Someone suggested to me last night that no matter what topic would have made me most uncomfortable, that is most likely what they would have tried to urge me to do my thesis on... so, perhaps there is something to that... and the exercise isn't at all about the topic, but about my own pre-conceived notions and opinions surrounding that topic.

Somehow, knowing that, or considering that intellectually isn't doing a bloody thing to melt the ball of ice in my guts when I actually consider submitting such a paper to my teachers... I just hate this.

I will have to face it and just do it. But, not today. Today I must go to work.

.. with palms joined.

Day 47 - Baby Steps

2009-11-22T11:28:00.007-05:00

In the short time that I have been getting settled into this '1000 Days of Ferocious Effort' practice, I have taken some strides, made some progress, and am beginning to see some results. I continue to direct my practice in new directions, and hope to accomplish a more comprehensive unification of mind, body, and spirit during this practice, which is beginning to enter its 'heart' phase (as opposed to gently becoming acclimatized to the practice over the first 50 days or so...).

I have lost perhaps 32 pounds since beginning this practice, chiefly through the simple expedient of eating a more healthy diet... or, more accurately, by cutting unhealthy foods out of my diet. I am hoping to lose perhaps another 50 pounds or so over the next few years... but, we shall see how that goes.

Since I have taken off a decent amount of extra body-weight, I have begun to turn my efforts towards a more stringent daily martial arts practice regimen.

It is often said that when a student wishes to learn, a teacher appears... and that when one door closes, another opens.... and in keeping with such synchronicity, I was notified during the first week of November that I have passed the 'time in grade' requirements and am now being actively considered for promotion to 7th Dan by the martial arts association of my old order (The physical testing for this grade has already been successfully accomplished, but, as I am not able to travel to Korea frequently (i.e., at all!), I have a more lengthy time in rank requirement that must be completed. In any case, I have been advised that I have a Thesis/Dissertation/Practicum Requirement which must not be successfully completed, and then I will be either promoted, or passed over until next time the committee decides to consider me. (This last hurdle being a thesis ("only 21,950 words in length.. meep!!) which I must write and submit.. it is a somewhat convoluted and lengthy process, but, I think it serves to make me value the promotion all the more due to the difficulty. The process is multi-faceted, as follows (for those few... or one... or none! who care... pllpt!!):

First I must decide on a research topic, which is relevant to my training and knowledge, and which (according to my preceptor) should also be a topic which I am capable of researching depending upon what resources are readily available to me .. (good advice!) - I have been told perhaps 900 times that I should take my time in considering this, and that often, a thesis either lives or dies depending upon the wisdom or lack thereof of this crucial initial phase.

Next, I must decide what type of thesis paper I shall decide to write, from the following three basic types:

An analytical paper breaks down an issue or an idea into its component parts, evaluates the issue or idea, and presents this breakdown and evaluation to the audience.

An expository (explanatory) paper explains something to the audience.

An argumentative paper makes a claim about a topic and justifies this claim with specific evidence. The claim could be an opinion, a policy proposal, an evaluation, a cause-and-effect statement, or an interpretation. The goal of the argumentative paper is to convince the audience that the claim is true based on the evidence provided.

Once I have decided upon a topic of research, I must present a Thesis Statement and submit it to my committee for approval. If it is approved, I move on and commence my research, and if it is not... back to the 'drawing board'.

If I am approved to move on, the next steps, once my research is completed... or, perhaps, concurrently with my research, are the following;

Manuscript Preparation

Committee approval of the manuscript

Independent research competence

Submission of the final draft of the thesis

FINAL THESIS DEFENSE

Phase I: The candidate will make a formal presentation of the research.

Phase II: The candidate will be questioned by the committee.

Phase III: After completion of the formal presentation phases, the Examining Committee will vote on the results of the Final Thesis Defense. With no more than one dissenting vote, one of five possible results of the defense will be reported:

passed and thesis accepted

passed and thesis accepted pending specified revisions

second defense required, but thesis accepted or accepted with specified revisions

major revisions of the thesis and a second defense required, or
Defense failed, thesis not accepted and the committee recommends dismissal from the program

if the committee cannot reach agreement on one of the options, then the candidate will have failed the defense and the thesis will not be accepted.

So... my work is cut out for me. I am still casting about and trying to decide on a specific, definitive, and doable topic so that I have some likelihood of actually being successful. Honestly, the promotion isn't nearly as important to me as is my not embarrassing my teachers by poor performance or shabby work... so... that is my main concern. I just want to do well and make an honorable showing. If I can do that, I will view it as a success.... in any case, I seldom wear a rank belt when I train, and when I do, I prefer my raggedy old white belt. So... I suppose I should view such a thing with more respect... I will have to work on that.

In the conversations that I have had with my preceptor/mentor regarding the thesis subject, as well as with some of the other members of the martial arts training department, I have noticed a repeated and somewhat strong urging for me to follow a convention which makes me somewhat uncomfortable;

Essentially, at this stage of my training, I am expected to take everything that I have learned throughout my martial arts career and present it in such a fashion that I can show, definitively, that it has become entirely internalized and my own... rather than simply a parroted, carbon-copy of what I have been taught.

The point that has been made, by at least four different relatively eminent teachers of mine, over and over, is that since I have studied under different teachers... and have therefore become, more or less, a converging point for various 'streams' of teaching, it is time for me to compile what I have learned, distill it into a digestible and transmittable format, and present this final product back to my teachers..

(hopefully without inadvertently... or 'vertently?' offending...)

To make my anguish, extreme discomfort and angst all the more intense, I have been more or less told that I should name this conglomeration of learning and practice of mine to distinguish it from all that came before. So I have to put a name to whatever it is that I do, and am likely to teach... (were I to teach.. which I do not... so it all strikes me as rather pointless.. but, still.. there is sits. Plap!!)

(Are any of you getting the fact that I am extremely uncomfortable with this?? It is *much* too big for the likes of me... I would prefer to NOT do this... however.. it seems to be a concerted effort to strongly suggest and reiterate that I DO!!).

I must grudgingly admit here that by insisting that I step outside of my 'comfort zone' and directly face *precisely* what I would rather choose to avoid, my teachers are doing exactly what they should be doing, and helping me to expand my horizons, and improve my capabilities.. not just as a student, or as a monk... but as a person. So.. there is that. I have learned that in these cases, even though it goes against my grain, it is generally wisest for me to place my trust in my teacher's judgment, and fling myself out into space... knowing that I will come out of it okay, and perhaps even stronger and better, if somewhat dinged up and bruised.. in the long run. So, I will do my best to put that into practice. (sigh).

So. It is looking as though I will have to write an expository paper on my own interpretation or 'style' if you will, of everything that I have studied, learned, and more likely forgotten!! over the past 46 odd years of training.

I made a futile attempt at wriggling out of this and re-directing the tacit approval of my mentors to some other topic, by explaining that I didn't feel at all comfortable in giving what I practice a name.. feeling that it would tend to inflate my ego, which, by way of my Zen practice, I am constantly trying (with mixed results) to dissolve... and would, therefore, be pulling fruitlessly in two distinctly opposite directions.

(I was feeling rather pleased with myself for coming up with this particular angle of argument... and rather thought that I had nicely sewn up the issue and would be directed to undertake some other more palatable subject for my assignment... but, as things things have a tendency to do... at least in my life... it blew up in my face, naturally, when my mentor blithely offered to designate my home a 'hermitage' and give it a name (which I would then consecrate it with... ) and which would then enable me to simply call my 'system' or 'art' or 'style' the 'Such and Such Hermitage Form of Boxing', much like, as my mentor cited, the Martial Art taught at the Shaolin Temple is known as, curiously, and (to me) somewhat spitefully, under the present circumstances; 'Shaolin Temple Boxing'. (Fwshsht!!).

Having been superbly outclassed by this point, I had no suitable reply to this, and so graciously thanked him for his wonderful suggestion, and closed down Skype with several sub-vocal mutterings.

Late last night, I received a message designating my home as '법 원 암' (Boep-Won-Ahm)(Boep rhymes with 'pup' and Won rhymes with 'one' or 'fun') - which translates as 'Dharma Garden Hermitage' (the Chinese would be written as;

法園庵

, and would be pronounced, roughly 'Fa-Yun-Ahn' in Chinese (Mandarin), and in Japanese as 'Ho-En-Ahn'.

I must now make or commission a sign to display, write a charter, and conduct a small ceremony to officially designate (I suppose christen or consecrate could be used here, but, in Zen, we don't really use such terms...) this place as an officially recognized and designated hermitage. It was explained that the essence of a garden is to plant and nurture something. So, Dharma Garden is a place where the Dharma (what the Buddha taught) is to be planted, nurtured, and, with proper effort, brought to fruition.) As it turns out, I am quite pleased with my home now being an official hermitage... for some reason, I feel good about that. I am happy! (I also feel that I must approach my practice with more diligence!!)

So, it is looking as though I may very likely be writing an expository thesis on what will be known as Boep-Won-Am Soen-Mu-Do or Boep-Won-Am Gwon-Boep (Dharma Garden Hermitage Zen Martial Way, or Dharma Garden Hermitage Boxing, respectively... I am not settled on either of these...or, honestly, on this topic.. but, it is a start.)

I must go back to square one of my training and methodically go through everything I have ever learned, tightening, tweaking, cataloging, and, more to the point, discarding whatever is truly non-essential. So, if this is what I am to do.. I will have to begin, and soon!! I have a time limit which must be met (once the topic of my thesis has been approved, the clock starts)... so the pressure is definitely on!

As for improving my own personal training, I have taken down my 묵인충 'Mook-In-Ch'oong'*, re-engineered the stand that built for it, and re-installed it.

*note: (Chinese 'Mook-Yan-Jong'):

木人樁

木 (its a picture of a tree!) mook = 'wood, wooden'.
人 (man! two legs!) yan= man, person, human.
樁 jong= literally 'post' but usually translated as 'dummy'

I also built an 8 foot long by 6 foot wide brick training platform/patio in order to be able to train in all types of weather (it is a morass for days in that corner when it rains... and I find that I succumb to the preference for not standing ankle-deep in cold slimy water... and, consequently.. do not train... which is bad!)

I am in the process of constructing a stand which I shall use to re-commence (Korean: 철장공 'Ch'ul-Jang-Gong'{Iron Palm Training})

鐵掌功

In Chinese it is written the same, but has a different pronunciation:

铁掌功

This training consists of 'dropping' the hand repeatedly (dropping.. not hitting!) onto a canvas bag filled, at first with mung beans... and after some months with a mixture of mung beans and rice, rice, mung beans and round gravel... and finally mung beans and oil-free, lead-free, chrome-free and dust-free steel shot. Hitting the bag with tension can transfer the shock to the heart, causing damage... hitting the tips of the fingers can cause eye damage... so... it is, perhaps counter-intuitively, a practice of hitting with a relaxed arm... and coordinating specific breathing exercises.... slowly increasing the repetitions... and finally, washing/treating the hands an hour after each training session with a specially produced liniment for the hands called 질타주 'Jihl-T'a-Ju' (Chinese: 'Dit-Da-Jow')

跌打酒

which literally translates into English as 'Stumble-Hit Wine'.

Between regular calisthenic, flexibility and Martial exercises, combined with my training on the Wooden Dummy (to tighten and tune my structure), Iron-Palm training.. (also to fine-tune structure... along with breathing.. and, of course, striking ability..), as well as 기공 'Ki-Gong' (Chinese: 'Chi-Gong' or 'Qi-Gong')

氣功

By these methods, at least to start, I hope to better strengthen my body, strengthen my spirit and resolve, and integrate both with my intellectual-mind, which is, in essence, the goal of this 'Ferocious Effort' practice...

Once I begin to see results, physically speaking, I will incrementally increase the degree of difficulty, as well as, perhaps, the frequency of my training. Hopefully, this will help me to lose more fat, and tighten and tone, if not build, lean muscle mass.

In other facets of my life, I have been given my Zen teacher's 'seal of approval' as 'Ino' or 'chant-master' (curiously; 'Ino' used to be the monk in charge of the various work details... and the 'chant-master' was known as the 'Densu'. Nowadays, however, we call the 'chant-master' 'Ino', and the Densu is in charge of maintaining the Zendo, and taking care of the facilities... as well as some other tasks, such as waking the other monks in the morning - I don't know how or why this has changed; only that it has!).

So, I am seeing changes, hopefully for the better, and hope to continue improving over time.

... with palms joined.

Zazen - 'Finding Your Inner Stillness'

2009-10-18T17:24:00.011-04:00

My Zen is not Japanese, or Korean, or Chinese, or Indian, or American.. I practice a formal type of Zen in an Order that Originates most recently in Japan, but which arrived there from India via China, and ultimately arrived in the west. I originally began my training haphazardly, by reading books and trying to emulate what I had read, but what I honestly did not really understand. My formal training began in Korea, and has continued as I traveled from place to place. My Zen is not a ‘thing’ that I can touch.. it isn’t really something that is easy to discuss, though I shall try. As a human, I am bound by words. Words can easily trap us and confuse us, however, and we soon find ourselves hopelessly tangled up. Although I spent some time living in various monasteries, I now live in a small cottage, a hermitage, if you like, which is squarely situated ‘in the world’, and not secluded and isolated from it. My vocation is a running ‘towards’, rather than a running ‘away from’, though I am sure that most monastics are not truly running away from anything. So, I am an odd duck, more or less; I am a monk who lives and breathes and moves about in a mostly secular world. Well.. secular to the lay folk.. but always a monastic world from my own point of view. I face some unique challenges living this type of lifestyle, and I am often forced to make critical decisions, often to make a number of not so wise decisions, but, eventually (I like to think), I slowly begin to correct my path... and this is my own personal Zen. Every day life, that is constantly being corrected and finely tuned. Everyday mindful life.

My practice of Zen is my response to the questions that have arisen from the depths of my being. It is my constant struggle to attain and pass through the gateless gate of freedom in each and every breath-moment. It is my way of using my mind in the clattering, cacophony of the hectic outpouring of my life in a very complex time, and in an increasingly complex world.

My Zen is not an esoteric tradition that has meandered from India through Asia to the West. It is not a code of ethical conduct. It is not a religion. It is not a psychology or a philosophy. It isn’t anything that one can pin down. Although I do follow a formal practice, in a formal monastic order, and although I have formal teachers under whom I pursue my studies; my Zen is not any of these concepts or things that I have listed. There is nobody to emulate, nobody to follow, nothing to consult, no one who watches, no one who cares. There is only me. There is only my practice. There is only my silence. There is only my Zen.

I live as a monk, following my practice, keeping to my precepts, and doing my level best to negotiate the pitfalls and obstacles that life graciously gifts me with in order that I may improve. I fall flat on my face on a regular basis, and I choose each time to get back up, to stand squarely upon my own two feet, and to face the difficulties, the annoyances, the discomforts, and the setbacks, and to continue on. I make this choice with each in-breath.. I make this choice again with each out-breath. I do this primarily due to my own personal conviction that my life has only the meaning that I choose to inject into it by way of my focus, my choices, and my actions. I do this in order to live my life to the fullest extent possible with total authenticity, first hand pure experience, and uncompromising honesty. My Zen is fierce, sometimes brutal. My Zen is gentle, and kind, and has no limit to its compassion in teaching me how to come to know my own true nature.

I make no judgement concerning other people’s chosen life-path, but simply retain focus on my own present moment, as mindfully as I am capable of doing, and carefully take the next step.

I am not wise, or particularly knowledgeable, nor am I the face or the voice of Buddhism, Zen, my order, or even my own Zen center. I am constantly learning, and constantly evolving, and my responses and answers have most likely changed very much over the course of my journey, and no doubt will continue to do so. So, please take this into account, and understand that like any other human being, I am prone to misperception, faulty reasoning, out and out blunders and all of the other weaknesses and foibles that humankind is rife with. In short, what I say in this journal is just that; what I say. Don’t trust in what I tell you, or what you hear elsewhere, or what you read.... unless you have first applied it to your own life, your own circumstances, your own reality and filtered it in the light of your own intelligence and reason and found that it has passed the test. I am only me... and I am trying to address my own questions. You must form your own questions, and formulate your own answers. If you have no question, clearly there can be no suitable answer at all. If my questions, and the corresponding responses happen to gel with your own, and my practice assists you in some way, I am glad. But, your practice is entirely your own, your Zen is entirely your own... and your life is entirely your own, as mine is my own. In truth, my Zen, my practice, and my life are one and the same. I am more likely trying to formulate my question than I am trying to provide an answer... and what I set down here in this journal is simply my own method of ordering my thoughts, and allowing the fruits of my experience and contemplative efforts to be documented for later reference (and, undoubtedly embarrassed comparison) as my practice (hopefully) progresses. Any errors or inaccuracies are, of course, entirely my own.

As in all things, there must be a beginning, a middle and end. And, wisely, it is best to start at the beginning. Zen training uses a number of modalities or types of training in its training matrix. Many teachers who are much more knowledgeable, experienced and competent than I have categorized them and set them down in various treatises and guides, however, I will try to simplify things somewhat; All Zen training can basically be said to fall under one of three general types:

I. Meditation (one form is Zazen (seated Zen). There are various other types which incorporate movement or other techniques.)

II. Koan Practice – Koan means ‘public case’ and essentially is a formal recreation of a set of circumstances which led a practitioner to attain some degree of understanding, or, more to the point, to realize that they already possessed the understanding. Koans (Kong-an in Korean) are often called ‘Zen Riddles’, however, I tend to disagree with this translation as there is nothing to ‘solve’ in actuality. I will address this form of training in more depth in subsequent posts, but suffice it to say it is one of the three major categories of Zen training.

III. Everyday Life: Zen is useless if it is only able to be put into practice ‘on the cushion’. Therefore, the mental state that is attained via Zazen practice is incrementally brought ‘off the cushion’ through an incremental series of small steps, beginning with simple activities such as walking, drinking tea, chanting, and bowing... to simple work tasks... to more complex actions such as more difficult work tasks, body practice, art practice, and other forms of ordinary daily life.. until it has been incorporated and integrated to the extent that there is no discernible difference between Zen and normal day to day living.

In order to channel my own efforts properly, with some degree of order and direction, and, admittedly, in part at least, to allow you, the reader (if anybody actually reads this .. which is astounding to me, to be truthful!) to have some understanding as to what this 1000 day retreat is based upon, what I am actually doing from day to day, and where it may be taking me... if anywhere. Also, to help to direct the practice of anyone out there who may be ‘bumping up’ against Zen, or who may be formulating or refining their own practice. I am not sure whether I will be a help or a hindrance, but, I will do my best.

I will focus on each of these three major categories in a series of posts, while simultaneously introducing the eight ‘muns’ or ‘gates’ of Zen training and practice.

The ‘gates’ or ‘facets’ of training are;

1. Zazen/Meditation.
2. Zen Study (with a Zen Teacher).
3. Academic Study.
4. Zen Liturgy.
5. ‘Right’ (social) Action.
6. Art Practice.
7. Body Practice.
8. Work Practice.

Each of the gates fall under the three general categories of training, though at times the lines between the categories may tend to become somewhat blurred.

In this post, I will address the first of the gates; Zazen.

In studying Zen, we start with practice. The ‘guts’ and essence of Zen practice is Zazen. Now, while it is equally true that Zen is necessarily concerned with apprehending the nature of the mind, or of the self, it must, therefore, contain an element of philosophical speculation, or contemplation.

While a philosopher may mainly rely upon such speculation and reasoning, in Zen, when practiced properly, we never allow ourselves to become separated from our practice. This practice is carried out using the body, mind, and emotions (or spirit – interestingly, The English word "spirit" comes from the Latin spiritus, meaning "breath", and so, one might, if it is a preference, think of spirit as ‘breath’. No breath – no life. So, in this context, breath = ‘life’. In my context, spirit includes not only breath, but also will, emotion and temperment) in equal measure.

In Zen training, we seek to dissolve or ‘extinguish*’ the self-centered, individual ego, but we cannot accomplish this simply by just thinking about it. It is by way of our integrated body/mind/spirit practice that we may actually experience what may be referred to as ‘pure existence’ (i.e., experiences that have not been filtered or changed by our preconceived notions and opinions or objective thinking.)

In our ordinary day to day life, our human consciousnesses tend to work relentlessly to protect or to maintain our personal and material interests. This habit of utilitarian or pragmatic thinking – of viewing the world as an array of tools and resources to be used to ‘get what we need’ or ‘get what we want’ or perhaps ‘get what we deserve’ or is ‘rightfully ours’ reduces the entire cosmos, in our minds, as being little more than ‘equipment’, which should strike one as being inaccurate at the least... and disrespectful to at least some degree. We steal the essence of life and of being by perpetuating this inherently unskillful and delusional way of thinking. Naturally, financial solvency is a key component in our overall well-being and happiness... we have physical bodies, and we have physical needs, after all. But, there is more to ‘being’ than ‘getting’.

The world, and our lives is much, much more than a series of objects that are only viewed in the light of how they can be made use of. This habitual way of consciousness is distorted, and results in great suffering for humankind. This is so because any person who views and treats the world in this fashion and most likely comes to view and treat himself or herself as well as others in much the same way, which leads to a mechanical way of thinking that is self-centered, unfeeling, unkind, reactive, and unskillful. In a way, it is a form of mental illness that we all fall victim to by way of our habitual methods of perceiving and thinking. Zen practice aims at overthrowing this distorted view of the word and of the self, and zazen is method by which we manifest this change.

Zen training continues. Endlessly. There is no destination... only a journey. This is because the ego-self (petty ego) has a tendency to insidiously creep back into one’s mind and way of thinking, over and over again. The long habit of notional thinking and distorted consciousness is implanted so firmly in our mind that we are haunted by it perpetually to the extent that it is nearly impossible for us to control or inhibit these unskillful thoughts before they arise. As we continue our training over time, however, we become incrementally liberated from this ‘small self’ or ‘petty ego’. We don’t accomplish this through oppositional thinking, but by simply ignoring these seemingly random thoughts as they arise.. or, more accurately, by simply acknowledging these thought-forms for what they are... and letting them pass away... like so many bubbles or waves. They come. They go. Just like us. (The Historical Buddha was also known, incidentally, as a ‘tathāgata’ or, the ‘Thus come, thus gone’ one, who has gone beyond all comings and goings.) Since the occurrence of an unskillful or unmindful thought is a malady; *not* to continue it is, by force, the remedy.

This choosing ‘not to continue’ – this stilling of the mind, is a state that is reached by practicing zazen over time. (Kung Fu, or Gung Fu, by the way, come from two Chinese ideographs kung or gung – ‘功’ and fu or hu ‘夫’ (literally ‘spouse or husband’ from time (to do something); synonym for 工夫.) So – Kung Fu means, quite literally a ‘skill or accomplishment achieved by applying effort or energy over time’. One may have ‘Kung Fu’ in anything... this Kung or Gong/Gung, incidentally, is the same Gung in our term ‘Gung Ho’ – which means working (effort) together!).

By practicing and applying mindful effort in zazen practice over time, we may hope to develop a skill or achieve some wondrous accomplishment.

This accomplishment has been called by many different terms, but it is essentially indescribable in words and very difficult to communicate. It is an extremely personal and above all, experiential thing. It is truly a pure experience in which all sense of subject and object disappear! In a way, it is as though the mind and the body have ‘fallen off’. So, I suppose if I must attempt to describe it, I must do so by calling this experience an experience of ‘mere being’ or ‘just being’, and nothing else.

This condition of ‘mere being’ however, is accompanied by a remarkable mental power, which can best be termed a ‘condition of extreme wakefulness’.

This may seem strange to you, as a reader, perhaps even more so when I tell you that at the time that it takes place, the experiencer is not aware of it due to a lack of reflecting activity in one’s consciousness – which, in retrospect, may explain the difficulty in describing it.

It is essentially, an extraordinary mental stillness.. a pure existence.. perhaps the most simplified form of human existence.

We have this pure experience, and then.. we come back into the world of conscious activity to find that ‘being’ appears transformed to us.

Once one has experienced this form of pure existence, one’s view of the world, and of existence executes a complete about face and nothing ever seems quite the same.. and yet; being a human being, we cannot escape the inevitable return of living as a distinct individual entity with all of the differentiation, preferences, desires and aversions of common human existence.

So, we are now faced with a new previously un-encountered dilemma which causes at least some degree of internal conflict.

In order to deal with this effectively, we must continue practicing, continue to train our mind in conjunction with our body and our emotions in order to learn how to avoid such instinctual discrimination while simultaneously living in the world of differentiation.

Basically, the task set before us is to learn how to exercise mindfulness and non-attachment while working through attachment and reactive thought-habits. We do this primarily by cultivating immobility.

The easiest way to practice this is through physical immobility. Why? Simply because immobility of the body encourages and cultivates immobility of the mind and of the spirit, so, immobility is the first essential goal of zazen practice.

Since immobility is much more easily achieved through sitting than by standing, we begin at the earliest stages of Zen practice by sitting. Thus, the ‘za’ (sit) in ‘zazen’ (sitting zen).

Sitting is one of the four dignified postures: walking, standing, sitting, and lying down. Whereas, Zen is one of the six stages of spiritual perfection: dedication, precepts, perseverance, progress, meditation and wisdom.

To practice Zen is to become stable and then quiet, to become peaceful after becoming quiet, and to engage in careful quiet contemplation. The four dignified postures and six stages of spiritual perfection therefore all arise from quiet contemplation.

The aim of this practice is to eventually integrate the subjective and objective self to such an extent as to become completely unified. Once this integration has been accomplished, or perhaps even transcended, it will not matter what the surroundings may be any longer; the Zen practitioner will remain in a state of deep samadhi (which comes from sam (together or integrated), a (towards), and dha (to get, to hold). Thus the result might be seen to be to acquire integration or wholeness, or truth – in essence, then; ‘a state of equilibrium’.)

It has been said that “Zen is to transcend life and death (this means ‘all dualism’), to truly realize that the entire universe is the “True Human Body” (true self, greater self, true nature, Buddha nature) through the discipline of “heart/mind and body in oneness.” – in short – Zen is a form of Yoga practice. (Read further on in this post for my explanation/diatribe on Yoga/Yoke joining, etc.)

Note on the above text: *Nirvana = extinguish: (Nirvana, incidentally is often mis-interpreted in the West to mean ‘paradise’ or ‘unending happiness’, however, though it may result in a cessation of suffering, the word has a very different meaning originally from what is commonly considered to be the meaning. In sramanic (A shramana (Sanskrit śramaṇa श्रमण, Pāli samaṇa) is a wandering monk) thought, Nirvana (Mandarin: ‘涅槃’ niè pán, Japanese: ‘涅盘’ nehan, Korean: 열반 ‘涅槃’ (yul-ban), Sanskrit: निर्वाण, Nirvāṇa; Pali: निब्बान, Nibbāna; Prakrit: णिव्वाण; Thai: นิพพาน, Nípphaan) is the state of being free from suffering. It is an important concept in Buddhism and Jainism. "Nibbāna" is a Pāli word that means "blowing out" — that is, blowing out the fires of greed, hatred, and delusion. Nirvana is a compound of the prefix ni[r]- (ni, nis, nih) which means "out, away from, without", and the root vâ[na] (Pali. vâti) which can be translated as "blowing" as in "blowing of the wind", and also as "smelling, etc".

Zazen (坐禅) Practice: Zazen, 'sitting meditation' (I have seen this also translated as 'sinking into thoughts', 'opening the hand of thoughts' or 'holding a mirror to one's thoughts'. To the best of my knowledge, the Chinese ideograph '坐' simply means 'sit' and the ideograph '禅' is the Chinese translation of the Sanskrit term 'Dhyana ( ध्यान )' (Pali ‘Jhāyana’) which is a cognate of the word 'Zen'. all meaning, ‘meditation’ or ‘contemplation’. (In Chinese it is pronounced, roughly, 'Ch'an', in Korean 'Son' or 'Soen' (pron: Sun), and in Vietnamese ‘thiền, thiện, xèng’. Essentially, the original Pali word Jhāyana went through a morphing to Dhyana, Ch’an, Soen, Zen, thiền and so on.. but, it is all the same word, or various mutated forms of the same word as it passed through different languages and cultures, each version with the same meaning. So, as far as I can see, Zazen means nothing more than ‘seated meditation’. That being said, Zazen can be practiced seated, standing, lying, moving, walking, working, or sleeping... or at least a form of it. Zazen takes place in the mind ultimately... though the body must connected to the mind.. or ‘yoked’ (from the Proto-Indo-European (PIE) root word ‘i^eu-, i^eu^ə-, i^eu-g- meaning to yoke, tie together (the inference being ‘with the supreme spirit’). Interestingly, some other English words that are cognate with this same PIE root word are;

jugular (jugulum "collarbone, throat, neck," diminutive of jugum "yoke," related to iungere "to join");

syzygy (conjunction of a heavenly body with the sun," from syzygia, (Greek) "yoke, pair, union of two, conjunction," from sysygein "to yoke together," from syn- "together" (synonymous! synchronize!), + zygon "yoke"

zeugma (refers to two or more words in a sentence - (from the Greek - lit. "a yoking,")

zygote (from the Greek zygotos "yoked," from zygon "yoke")

inchoate (from the Latin inchoatus, inchoare - alteration of incohare "to begin," originally "to hitch up," from in- "on" + cohum "strap" (cohort!)

subjugation (from the Latin subjugationem (nom. subjugatio), from Latin subjugatus (subjugare) "to subdue", lit. "bring under a yoke," from sub "under" + jugum (see jugular)).

juxtaposition (coined in France (17c) from the Latin juxta "beside, near" + French "position". Latin juxta is a contraction of jugusta (adverb which is a superlative of the adjective 'jugos' "closely connected," from stem of jugum "yoke," from jungere "to join".

combine (French combiner, from Latin combinare "to unite, yoke together," form Latin com- "together" + bini "two by two," (binary, bi- "twice")

join (from French joindre, from jungere "to join, yoke".)

conjugal (from the Latin conjugalis, from conjunx (genetive conjugis) "spouse," from conjugare "to join together," from com- "together" + jugare "to join," from jugum "yoke" (see jugular).

span ("two animals driven together," from Dutch 'span, from spannen "to stretch or yoke," form Middle Dutch 'spannen' which is cognate with Old English 'spannen' "to join" "distance between two objects," "distance between the thumb and little finger of extended hand," borrowed from the Latin 'spannus, hence Italian spanna, Old French 'espanne', French 'empane'. from PIE base *(s)pen- "to draw, stretch, spin"

boy (boie "servant, commoner, knave, boy," possibly from Old French. embuie "one fettered," from Vernacular Latin. *imboiare, from Latin boia "leg iron, yoke, leather collar," from Greek boeiai dorai "ox hides." But it also appears to be identical with Early Frisian boi "young gentleman," and perhaps with Dutch boef "knave," from Middle Dutch boeve, perhaps from Middle Low German buobe.)

ox (Old English oxa (plural oxan), from Proto-Germanic. *ukhson (compare Old Norse oxi, Old Frisian oxa, Middle Dutch osse, German Ochse, Gothic auhsa), from PIE *uks-en- "male animal," (compare Welsh ych "ox," Middle Irish oss "stag," Sanskrit uksa, Avestan uxshan- "ox, bull"), said to be from PIE base *uks- "to sprinkle," related to *ugw- "wet, moist." The animal word, then, is lit. "besprinkler." Oxen is the only true survival in Modern English of the Old English weak plural. Ox-bow "semicircular bend in a river" is first recorded 1797, American English (New England), in reference to the shape of the piece of wood which forms the collar for an ox YOKE ( ! ) (so called from 1368). )

acre (Old English æcer "tilled field, open land," from Proto-Germanic *akraz "field, pasture" (compare Old Norse akr, Old Frisian ekkr, Old High German achar), from PIE *agros "field" (compare Latin ager "field, land," Greek agros, Sanskrit ajras "plain, open country"). Originally in English without reference to dimension; in late Old English the amount of land a yoke of oxen could plow in a day, afterward defined by statute to a piece 40 poles by 4, or an equivalent shape (5 Edw. I, 31 Edw. III, 24 Hen. VIII). Original sense retained in God's acre "churchyard." Acreage is recorded from 1859.)

As you can see... there are many connections between our thoughts, our languages, our actions, and our inner and outer worlds. Zen in general, and this ‘Ferocious Effort’ in particular are about finding and tracing these connections... strengthening them... and, ultimately, transcending them entirely.

Next time I will discuss Zen Study, and the relationship between student or disciple, and teacher or master.

Please continue your practice!

Yours in the Dharma,

Bunan Unsui

One Thousand Days... The first day..

2009-10-07T00:17:00.003-04:00

My 1000 Days of Ferocious Effort has begun. Over the past few weeks, beginning around 20 September, I began to fine tune my diet in order to better practice the integration of body/mind/spirit by improving my nutrition and eating habits... one of the many facets that this practice will address. I have shed 14 pounds of excess body weight in this time, and have cut caffeine, refined sugars and carbohydrates, and non-nutritional foods from my diet entirely. Over the first week or so, my body responded to the change in fuel with shock... followed by gross fatigue... and a severe headache (which I suppose was due to caffeine withdrawal) that lasted nearly a week. Happily, that part is over and done with, and I am feeling lighter, much more energetic, and my general emotional level has settled into a calm, even state.

This retreat will focus primarily upon silence, solitude, meditation, work, and contemplation. This will be augmented by cultural (art, music practice), physical (body practice; i.e., physical exercise), and spiritual (liturgy, ritual) practices throughout. Unlike a normal Sesshin*, however, I also plan to incorporate academic study into my days.

This is the 'loose' plan for the next thousand days.... I am sure that it will re-shape and refine itself as the retreat takes place. I will do my best to maintain a journal of my experience during this practice here.

I am not setting out with any particular goal or result in mind. I am simply going to fully practice keeping my focus in 'this breath-moment' and experiencing it as fully and completely as I am able. That is all.

Before my first sitting... I shall have some tea!

*Sesshin: Jap., lit. “collecting [setsu] the heart–mind [shin]”, “concentrating and unifying the mind”; also interpreted as “touching, receiving and conveying the Mind”; formal Zen retreat; days of especially intensive, strict practice of collected mind (zazen) as carried out in Zen monasteries at regular intervals. A sesshin training period usually lasts not less than three days and not more than seven.

The normal daily routine in a Zen monastery includes, in addition to several hours of zazen practice, long periods of physical work, begging rounds, and other forms of service to the local Buddhist community. However, during a sesshin, which is considered the high point of Zen training, the monks devote themselves exclusively to meditation. Complete silence is observed.

Long periods of zazen are interrupted only by a few hours of sleep at night, Sutra recitations, a short period of work (samu) and short rest breaks after the midday and evening meals. However, concentration or collectedness of mind in relation to the particular practice that the monk has received from the master (koan practice) should continue as much as possible without interruption during all these activities.

Special inspiration and incentive for the monks during the days of sesshin are provided by the teisho (Dharma talk/teaching lecture) of the roshi and the individual instruction (sanzen or dokusan) that monks often receive several times a day.

Clouds and Water

2009-09-20T09:19:00.005-04:00

Commencing on 7 October of this year (2009), I plan on embarking on a 1000 day personal retreat or practice. During the 1000 days, my primary focus will be on deepening my personal practice, but also in rounding it out and bringing it into my day to day life.

I will incorporate Seated and walking meditation, as well as other types of moving meditation (meditation while working, eating, etc.) with other types of practice.

I will attempt to ensure that each day includes at least to some degree, the following modes of training;

Training with a teacher and/or Koan practice

Academic study of some type

Zazen/Meditation

Liturgy (Liturgical practice; meaning ritual/ceremony)

Body practice (Martial arts, Yoga, or other physical exercise)

Art practice (Drawing, painting, sculpting, writing, calligraphy, what have you..)

Work practice (Three types: Outside work (regular job (yes! its part of my practice!), Niten Shoji (Daily Caretaking work) - work around the home, hermitage, temple grounds, living space., Samu (Work/Service) which is a work project designed to allow one to become one with the work... though all forms of work practice offer an opportunity to unify mind, body & spirit. In Samu, the aim is this unification, whereas in the other forms of work, the essence would be to accomplish the task while remaining unified.

'Right' Acts. ("Doing the right thing" - finding some action, each day, that is simply the right thing to do... and which in some way positively affects others.. this could be a clean up project in a public place... volunteer work, making an offering or donating to a worthy cause, acts of loving kindness... something.. each day."

In addition to these eight modes of training, it is my aim to live mindfully, to take time, as much as it is possible for me, to simply 'be'.. to enjoy the world... to contemplate... to look inward.

I would like to embrace silence and solitude as much as it is practicable during this time period... refraining from mindless or pointless small-talk, avoiding places where a radio or television is constantly on simply for 'background noise', etc.

During my 1000 day retreat, my aim will be to live as fully and as authentically as possible, in keeping with my monastic vocation and my precepts, of course.

I would like to pay particular attention to my diet/eating habits and do my best to cultivate and/or refine healthy eating habits, and to develop a regimen of diet, sleep, exercise, and spiritual practice that is balanced, sensible, and invigorating.

It is not my plan to make an overly large 'deal' over this retreat, but to keep it more or less transparent to others, at least during the times that I am in the company of others.

The practice will end on the full moon of July in 2012, which falls on the 3rd of the month in 2012, which happens to be 'Dharma Day' (Asala Puja -- ((We do not celebrate this day, actually, in my tradition, however, I am aware of it and generally observe it on a personal level, and, since this is a personal practice....)) ) - this is the day we celebrate the teachings of Buddha. This celebration is called Dharma Day. The day marks the first teachings of Siddhartha.

Immediately after Siddhartha gained Enlightenment, he sought out his first five (5) followers to share his experiences with them. When he found them, this marked the first of his discourses in the path to enlightenment, thus this is usually referred to as the beginning of the Buddhist religion. These first teachings have been called The First Turning of the Wheel of the Dharma or Dharmachakra. Buddha believed that every man and woman could find the same Path to Enlightenment. He wanted to see the end of suffering to all beings. This time also was the beginning of the rainy season in Nepal. Normally Buddha, his monks and nuns were nomadic. During the three (3) months of the rainy season, they would stay in sheltered areas. They filled their time with meditations and teachings. After monsoon season passed, they would begin their journeys again to spread the teachings of the Buddha.

In present day, we celebrate this day by spending extra time reading the teachings of the Buddha, give thanks to Buddha and our teachers both past and present. Dharma Day is a perfect time to come together at the sangha for celebration through readings and teachings from our elder students, Dharma Teachers, Monks, Oshos (priests), Roshis (Zen Masters (lit 'Old/venerated teacher'), etc. Cleaning of the temple areas and monastery also take place on this day. The activities done on this day are similar to those done on Vesak. This is when we, in the Zen tradition begin what we call 'Seichu' or 'Ango' ('Tight' Dharma - the monastic year is broken into four three month periods. You might think of them as 'semesters'. The summer and winter periods are severe, and consist of meditation, work, and liturgy. The days are long, and the focus is inward. The autumn and spring semesters are more relaxed, and are for travelling to visit other temples, study with other teachers, visit friends or family, etc.) (It is during this 'loose Dharma' period, called 'Seikan' in my order.. that monks in training get the name that is applied to them; "Unsui". Unsui literally means "Clouds/Water" (Un is the Japanese pronunciation of the Chinese ideograph for 'Cloud' (The Korean pronunciation is identical), and "Sui" is the Japanese pronunciation of the Chinese ideograph meaning 'Water' (In Korean it is pronounced 'Soo').

This will mean, essentially, that I will end my personal 1000 day retreat and enter directly into a period of monastic retreat, during which, I hope, I will be able to apply the experiences of the previous 1000 days to deepen my practice even further.

I will keep a log of my experiences here, using this space that is conveniently here for that purpose. I don't expect that many will notice that I am doing this, but, any who wish to practice along with me either for part of the time, or for the entire duration are warmly welcomed. Comments, questions, and suggestions are likely welcomed.

I am striving for balance and equilibrium during this period of deep practice, and to take all that I have learned during my one year 'Dying Practice' and apply it to this longer period of practice. I have no idea how this will turn out... or whether 'turn out' or 'results' is even applicable.... I am not actually hoping for some type of payoff.... the journey itself is the payoff.

Today is the 20th of September, 2009. There are ten days left of this month, and one week in October prior to the first day of my retreat. I plan on taking this time to contemplate a rudimentary plan insofar as schedule, diet, and focus are concerned... but, I will have to see how it goes and make adjustments along the way.

Wish me luck!

In Peace & Brotherhood,

Bunan Unsui
R.O.Z.B.

Anicca (Impermanence)

2009-07-11T00:14:00.002-04:00

Looking back over the past year of this practice, I can see that I have learned a great deal about myself, about mindfulness, and about more skillfully navigating the situations and circumstances that life offers me, and responding to them more appropriately.

During the course of this practice, I have visited and re-visited many people that have been a part of my life up to this point; some of whom are no longer an active part of my life... and some who are.

I have examined both pleasant and unpleasant memories, and I have forgiven others... and learned to forgive myself for the mistakes and failures that plague us as humans.

Mostly, however, I learned that life is what I make of it. I am here. Things cannot bring me happiness, and people cannot bring me happiness. I can share my happiness with others, and they can share their happiness with me... for a time.... but, there must be dark and light, up and down, high and low. So, I have also learned that there are many things in life that I must simply accept.

I have lived a year ... or did my best to live a year's time, as though I had only a one year period of time left to live... I did not travel the world... make a wishlist of things to do... or do most of the things that one might expect. Instead, I tried to make my practice a practice of accepting and responding to my life 'as it is'.

I have quieted down internally... I can feel a sense of calm that is even deeper and more profound than I am used to having; and this is saying quite a bit, as I am generally calm and tranquil as a rule.

The most important lesson that I have learned, I think, is that Dying Practice (which should more accurately be called Living Practice) doesn't ever really end. Whether you make an announcement or not... each day is Dying Practice. Each breath... each moment. For all of us.

My year of practice has ended... but, I find that I am still practicing...

I considered continuing this journal.. making it a kind of personal journal... and continuing... however, I think it would be a bit like carrying the bridge along with me after using it to cross the river in the event that I may come upon another river which must be crossed.

Instead, I will simply end here.

I am grateful to have had the opportunity to experience all that I have experienced during this past year. May the wisdom that I have gained, if any, be used to identify my weaknesses and faults and transform them into strengths and attributes... may these in turn be used to benefit all sentient beings.

Thank you, and goodbye.

May you be peaceful.
May you be happy.
May you be safe.
May you awaken to the light of your true nature.
May you be free.

In Peace & Brotherhood,

Bunan Unsui

Surrender...

2009-07-08T23:36:00.002-04:00

My countdown reads 22 minutes and 23 seconds left to live.

When it reaches zero, it will mark the culmination of a year long practice in how to live fully and authentically by living under the premise that I had only a year left to live.

It has been both a wonderful and grueling practice, but I feel that it has changed me in many ways.

This last day was a stream of intense and poignant experiences... *direct* experiences of living through a day... first hand... and not through the 'multiple plys' that modern day life often forces upon us.

There is little left to do save to surrender to death, and accept it in much the same way as every other moment is accepted.

It has been a good life. A good 49 years. I have done and seen much, I have learned more..

The first 50 years have been an expansion... an in breath... it is now time to begin the contraction... the out breath..... for we must both breath in and out.

This moment.. right now. Is perfect.. just as it is!

Thank you for letting me share my practice with you.

I go now to sit quietly and wait for my 'death' to arrive. I will greet it with a gentle smile.. as an old friend.

We die and are reborn in every moment... each breath is a new breath... so it shouldn't come as a surprise that I will be reborn the instant that I die.

We are always arriving.. every moment... over and over... in a stream of rebirths...

This is just one more... but it is important because I will be *mindful* of it.

I will die.

Tomorrow, perhaps I will awake. I will stand and take the very first step of the second half of my life... fresh, new, reborn... and ready to accept whatever life offers.

I am a monk, but you dont have to be a monk to follow this practice and to learn what it may have to offer you. You just have to open your heart and let each moment fill you completely.

In a few days, I will sit and write a summary of my experience in following this practice... this one year long life experiment. I will compare what I expected with what I experienced, and most likely I will have a few more words to say than anybody cares to here... but I will put them down with care, and with love.

In Peace & Brotherhood,

Bunan Unsui

Final stretch...

2009-07-08T00:16:00.003-04:00

My countdown reads 23 hours and 43 minutes left to live.

I will live as mindfully, authentically, and as fully as I am able over these last hours....

This practice has been instructive, insightful, challenging... and life-changing.

I don't view the world through quite the same eyes that I did when I embarked upon this practice.

I am not sure what I expected it to be... but, the reality was much different than what I *thought* I was getting involved in.

The practice was much more *real* than I expected it to be.

At first, the countdown unnerved me... now, it is only a countdown... we all have one.. in our heartbeat... our breaths... each step that we take... each moment. This one simply has numbers attached to it.

Of all of the various emotions that I feel as this year comes to a close... as my life of the past 50 years ends.. the one I feel most strongly as I write this now is gratitude.

There is so much more than I realized... and I didnt have to DO anything to access it... other than simply to do it. It was just like this all along... the entire time... and wonder how I didnt realize it for so long when it is all so simple.

I will go to sleep now... and sleep soundly... waking up to my last day on earth in a few hours.

I have an entire day left of this practice... and I will make every second count!

Strange days...

2009-07-06T20:03:00.003-04:00

Over the past few days, but most noticeable to me today; I am perceiving the passage of time differently - by which I mean that I seem to have more time than I normally do, or that I am somehow finding pockets of time within moments where I have not done so in the past...

This is kind of hard to explain. It falls flat when I actually explicitly verbalize it.

Nevertheless, today seemed to me to be longer, fuller, brighter, and deeper... if deeper can be applied as an adjective to describe a day.

I am not sure if this perception is just a temporary anomaly... a product of a strange day... or whether it is caused by some shift in my perception, or what.

It makes me wonder what I was doing with my time in the past if all days are like this one... it seems a pity to me that I would have missed it. So much time in a day to enjoy. I have always noticed this... but not quite so much as today.

I expected to feel sadness or trepidation when my time got short.. but, I don't. Instead, I just want to be here... completely... and just soak in the moment like a sponge... good, bad, all of it.

I was trying to explain to my wife how everything was so perfect in its 'just-so suchness' and she looked at me like I was out of my gourd. I don't have the verbal capability of expressing this... and it is a bit frustrating. I can't understand why she, or anyone, can't already just see this... it is as plain as can be!

A tree doesn't know it is a tree... or that it is an apple tree, or a pine tree... nobody tells it what to do... and if we have expectations for it, it doesn't care. It is just a tree. That's all. No matter what... it is a tree. And, when it isn't a tree any more... it just isn't... it doesn't lament over the fact... it just... goes away... changes.... *everything* is like that... it is like somebody putting their hands into a bucket of liquid and stirring it up... its the same liquid; but the waves are all different all the time... if you look beneath the waves, though - it is all the same liquid. It is just like that!! HA! Isn't that *awesome*??!! Do you see?! (*grins!!*)

Getting Down To It (i.e., Disposing of the Corpse)

2009-06-28T16:05:00.020-04:00

As I begin to write this post, my countdown displays 1 week and 4 hours left to live...

In retrospect, this year seems to have flown past fairly quickly.... and in other respects I seem to have lived an entire lifetime during the past year.

I have never lived so completely and totally in my body... or in the moment.

I have always been one to enjoy the small things in life, or so I had thought.. but, I would say that this is so much more true now.

Naturally, my expectation is to wake up on the morning of July 09; my 50th Birthday, fresh, and new, and fully prepared to rise and take the first step of the second half of my life, however.. it may very well be that I will not live to see it. Life is not certain, and there are no guarantees. This is why it is so vitally important to remain mindful of the present moment.. to let go fully, and to hurl oneself into life. Give every single last thing that we have. Do the very, very best that we can... say what must be said, and do what must be done. Dying practice is, after all, living practice. I have learned a great deal about living - really, truly living. Life throws many experiences at us... and we don't often have much to say about which we get, or when. We must simply learn to take life on its own terms, do the best we can do with the moment that we have, and continue doing this.... get the present moment 'right' - and the minutes, hours, days, weeks, months & years will take care of themselves.

Every life must come to an end. This we cannot avoid. So. I have decided to face it. My dying practice year may not end in my physical death. But, sometime in my future, I will find my death. What then?

Who dies?

I have come to believe that although my mind cannot survive without my physical body.. my body is something akin to a rental car... I use it for some time, inhabit it if you will... until it is no longer capable of supporting my life...
and then I must surrender to the inevitable.. let go.. and pass from this world.

I imagine that the energy that separated me and made me alive and distinct from a dead body will continue on in some form... as the scientists claim that energy is finite and can neither be created nor destroyed... as for 'me' the self that I think of as me... It is my belief that it will simply cease to exist as an entity. My personality, memories, preferences, aversions, all that makes me me... will simply end. Extinguished. Like a candle flame.

I find some degree of peace in this thought. We cherish real flowers over plastic flowers exactly because real flowers die... they are ephemeral... and we love them. Life is ephemeral. So, we should love life... love one another... just love.

Once I have died, though I will be gone... I will leave behind remains. Somebody will be tasked with seeing to the proper disposal of my remains, and I wish to make this task as simple and as painless as possible.

Some of the methods that naturally spring to mind are not allowable by law, unfortunately... (carving knife, food processor, wood chipper, dumpster, flushed down the toilet.. sky burial (i.e., hacked to constituent parts and fed to the carrion birds, etc.) so, I must act within the parameters of the law and of social norms (to some extent, at least).

As I meditated upon this aspect of my practice, I was (not really) very surprised to find that desire crept in upon my contemplations even when considering the methods of my disposal.

I found the Uono Cocoon Coffin, which I think is quite attractive, very different, and which is described on the company's website as follows:

"The Cocoon only weighs 20 kilograms. This makes it easier to carry, move and lay out at the funeral home or grave. The Cocoon is very robust. The firmness results from the very special production technique, the special natural materials as well as the ideal static shape.

The handles of the Cocoon fit into the aesthetic shape of the coffin. They are simply pulled out to carry the coffin. It is possible to remove the handles without a tool kit. As an alternative to the stainless steel handles there are natural rope handles available.

There is a special notch under the handles to catch the ropes. If the ropes are tied through the handles, it is possible to lower the Cocoon absolutely safely into the grave.

Every Cocoon is delivered with absorbent material as well as noble lining (white cotton or silk)."

This same desire assailed me as I viewed cremation urns. My eye was repeatedly caught by the beautiful, the intricate... it is a vicious cycle! (I am still trying to work out why safety would be a concern for me if I am being lowered into a grave... it would seem to me to be somewhat 'cart before the horse'-ish... and, though the 'Noble' lining sounds very exciting... I think it may be too fancy for the likes of me.. I am only a simple monk.. with simple tastes...)

I cannot fathom why, but I found myself longing to rest in some place of honor in a beautiful urn, wrought with fantastically deep colors, that was designed in such a manner as to convey some meaning to others as to how I lived my life, what my focus, opinions, preferences and accomplishments were..... and then I realized that I was being sucked down a road of endless desire and attachment... Instead, I decided to simply look at the beautiful urns, appreciate them for their craftsmanship, for the effort that was put into their design and manufacture...

I noted the significance of the design motifs, and wondered whether the artists accomplished their work mindfully, or whether some individual who simply wanted to make it through the day went through the motions mechanically, and was thinking of what he or she would rather be doing while constructing the container where some human being's remains would lie for the foreseeable future...

I decided two things, really, during this contemplation;

I would do my best to always remain mindful in any work or task that I have cause to perform, so that no other person would ever need to fear that I was simply 'going through the motions' as I accomplished whatever work affected them, whoever they may be, and;

I would find simple, functional, pleasing items and request that these be used in the disposal of my remains rather than to spend inordinate amounts of money which could be put to far better use than to process or house a body in which I no longer reside.

I do not wish to denigrate any person's choices when it comes to arranging the funeral of a loved one, but, for my self, I simply don't feel that it is necessary to go to a great deal of trouble over my remains.

As part of this practice, I delved into the world of funeral arrangement, and was somewhat shocked and dismayed at the obscene and perverse amounts of money that the bereaved survivors are called upon to pay in order to satisfy a constructed idea of 'respect' for the departed. Naturally when someone who we love dies, we are saddened, betimes devastated, and we want to do everything that we can do for that person... as it is often viewed as the very last thing that we are able to do for them. I think that perhaps there are those who make a very decent living addressing this tendency.

Here are some things that I discovered:

Firstly, some average common costs -

embalming ($500)

casket ($1,500)

viewing or visitation ($500)

cemetery space ($1,000)

open & closing the grave site ($750)

outer burial container ($1,000)

headstone ($1,500)

announcing the funeral in a newspaper ($250)

use of a hearse ($200)

TOTAL: ($7200)

That is Seven *THOUSAND two hundred dollars... nearly eight thousand dollars that, to my way of thinking, does not need to be spent.

I have a wife (no, I am not celibate) who will have enough to confront in the event of my death without being saddled with an $8000 or more bill just to get rid of me!!

This is not what I want. I will go further... I *expressly* DO NOT want this.

Love and respect and whatever else we wish to convey as we say a final goodbye to a deceased loved one can be expressed without spending this kind of money. Money is a resource, and to throw it after a dead body simply seems wasteful to me... If it happens to be *my* dead body, which it most assuredly will be one day (as I write this I am assailed by news of the deaths of Michael Jackson and Billy Mays, both 50 years of age at the time of their deaths). I have found many groups and associations which are dedicated to assisting people to do just this: create a loving and graceful funeral without paying strangers to do it.

Little Known Facts

* Caring for your own dead and creating a home or family-directed funeral is completely legal in most states
* Embalming is not required
* A family member, agent holding a Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care (DPAHC) or designated agent can:
o Act in lieu of a funeral director to orchestrate all arrangements and carry out all decisions
o Fill out and file end-of-life documentation
o Transport deceased in any type of vehicle to:
+ A home
+ The funeral celebration location
+ The place of final disposition (crematory or cemetery)
* Retail casket businesses exist in many areas and offer caskets for less than you would pay through a funeral home
* A loved one can lie-in-honor in the home of family or friends (1 to 3 days is usual)
* Anyone can build and/or decorate a wooden casket or cardboard cremation casket
* Friends and family can create an atmosphere that reflects cultural and personal beliefs, including ritual, storytelling and casket decoration
* Non-profit consumer advocacy funeral and memorial societies exist throughout the United States. Contact FAMSA, Funeral and Memorial Society of America .
* The average cost of a funeral nationwide is about $5000 to $8000 - you do not need to spend a lot of money to honor your dead meaningfully

To move in a direction of a more natural, economical and conscious choice for after-death care and not fall prey to an increasingly expensive and impersonal funeral industry, one that is being taken over by three huge conglomerates, I would like to offer these suggestions:

* Start talking to one another about the subject of death
* Pre-plan your own home or family directed funeral - Info
* Open a funeral trust account or Pay-on-Death account in your own name versus purchasing a pre-need package from a mortuary or funeral home
* Inform yourself about the laws in your state concerning home or family directed funerals by calling your local public health office or Office of Vital Records
* Form a group interested in advocating for consumer's last rights/rites
* Ask your local cemetery if a burial can be completed in a shroud, cardboard box or a home built wooden casket
* Hold the vision of collectively owned crematoriums and cemeteries that are ecologically harmonious
* Start looking at ways you can reclaim your individual right to a natural, humane, sensible and economical after-death care choice

Apparently, I am not the only person who shares similar belief about this issue. Here are a few options that may be just as capable of meeting the requirements of a respectful, meaningful and loving funeral service;

This casket is sold in a kit by a company called ARK Wood Caskets, and, on their site they have depictions of some of their caskets that have been hand painted by an artist. My thought strayed towards an idea of loved ones painting images, or writing messages on the outside of the casket as a way of saying a final farewell.

When monks are cremated, the body is not present at the memorial service at all. Rather, a table or altar is set up upon which a photo of the deceased is placed, before which there is a censer containing charcoal, and beside that a bowl of powdered incense. Mourners are invited to approach the altar, perhaps say something, share a remembrance, etc., and then drop a pinch of incense onto the charcoal.
If the remains are not to be viewed, and are not to be a part of the funeral service at all, their is no need for a container any more expensive than the cardboard container depicted above, which, by the way, would suit me just fine.

The casket above is made of willow which has been woven into a beautiful basket. I think that such a coffin would be more than appropriate if it were necessary to transport my remains from one point to another prior to cremation.

Since it is my intent to have my remains cremated, just as many thousands of monks before me have done, I think that the shroud depicted below (available through Nature's Passage) is a perfect idea should there be need to transport my remains prior to cremation;

As you can see, it is quite well made! It is designed, actually, for burials at sea for mariners who request this type of service, or for family who wish to have their loved one returned to the sea where so much of their life would have been spent.

It reminds me quite a bit of the paratrooper's kit bag that we used to carry tucked between the parachute harness and our bodies on jumps. Instead of a parachute getting stuffed into it... I will! (At least I do not have to be 'S-rolled' beforehand! HA!)

Not only does it come with sturdy handles, which is polite to those who may be called upon to carry me on my last journey... but;

It folds up quite nicely!! I could conceivably carry it around with me... one never knows, after all!! (Just kidding!)

Essentially, I have decided the following;

If I am ill or injured and am incapacitated and in a coma or have some type of illness where it is judged unlikely that I will recover enough to live a fulfilling life, I would prefer to not be administered further treatment which would only delay a natural process in any case, and which would unnecessarily burden my family both financially and emotionally.

Once I have died, whatever organs, parts, bits, bobs, or incidentals that may be put to some good use or which may be able to restore some other person to health or reduce their suffering are gifted by me for such use.

I wish my remains, if any, to be cremated. I do not wish that any significant amount of money be spent for embalming, caskets, urns, services, or for any other reason. I would prefer that any such moneys be used by my wife if she survives me. If she does not, it makes no difference to me so long as no other member of my family is indebted as a result.

I would like the bulk of my cremains to be tilled into my garden. If my wife desires to retain my cremains, it would be my preference that she avoid purchasing an urn that has been manufactured specifically as a cremation urn, but that she instead purchase a suitable container for a much more reasonable cost.

Here is a humble suggestion; the jar depicted in the image below can be obtained for a cost of $45.00 plus shipping & handling at Linden Hills Pottery.

It has sentimental significance to us, and it would match the decor of our home perfectly (Perhaps I shall purchase it now to have just for the occasion!!)

I am entitled to have my cremains interred at a National Cemetery free of charge, since I am a veteran of the armed forces... in the event my cremains are not wanted in the house, or if it is not possible to till them into the garden in accordance with my wishes.

If there are friends and loved ones who would enjoy a get together where food and drink is served, I would consent to this, so long as it remains a mostly happy gathering. I would ask that a selection of my personal belongings, humble though they may be, are set out and that those who attend be invited to select what they wish to take with them as a remembrance of our love and friendship.

To my wife, I would say that in the event I am the first to leave this life, you have given me the happiest moments that I have ever experienced. From the first moment that we fell in love and became a couple, we have lived each and every moment to the very fullest extent possible. What we share is bigger than a lifetime can contain, and I am sure that we will meet again for another go 'round, wherever and however that may be. We have shared what many people have never had the opportunity to share... and this is a gift. There are no accidents... and there are no regrets. Please do not let sadness shape your life or lessen the beauty in your heart. Dust yourself off, go forward, and life your life.. if you are lucky enough to meet some other person who brings happiness and love into your life, throw yourself into it completely... with my blessings! Just promise that you will never, ever settle for anyone who will not treat you with the kindness and love that you deserve. Remember that anyone can fake it for a year, and that nothing can take the place of time and experience. Since I cannot say these things to you after I have died, I say them to you now. They will be here, somewhere, on the internet.. and you can read them again should you ever have need. In all of my life, I am sure that I will never have been able to repay you, or to thank you for all that you have done for me... so I will just say "I love you - yes, still!".

To Mo, Mikilos, and Needledinger - You shaped my life, you taught me what it was to be a friend, and what it is to be loved unconditionally.

To Tim: Don't Die!

To Jenna - not a day has passed since the day that you were born that I have not thought of you and sent love your way.

To Brogan, Aonghus, the Burbols; You make life special.. every moment is perfect!! Thanks for all the laughs!! Bain búa amach!

To my brothers; I only wish that we could have spent more time. I will work on that starting now.

To my Zen Teachers; Mil Bohn, Myo Shin, Gen Shin, Jo Shu, Do Ku Ro, and to all of my fellow practitioners; You have given me the gift of this practice. Gassho! _/|\_

On Buddha's birthday
a spotted fawn is born –
just like that!

I have come a long way during this past (almost) year of this practice. It has taught me a great deal. It has taught me what has most value. It has taught me that the only moment I will ever have access to is this one, just as it is.. and that I can do with it what I choose...

My next entry will be in a week, a short entry on the eve of my 'death' - consisting mainly of my final thoughts and feelings.

The final entry will be after my 'rebirth' where I will try to set down what I have gained from this practice and from this experience.

I am sure that many of you will find the content of this post somewhat morbid, but, honestly... do you really think that you will live forever?? Would you really want to?

I did not write the following poem...it was written in 1981 by a poet named David Harkins, who was born in 1959 - in Silloth, Cumbria, UK. it was written from the perspective someone talking about a woman who has passed.. I have taken the liberty of altering it to convey my own meaning.... I hope that this is welcome.. Mr. Harkins, if it is not, I will remove it from this page. If it is, (bows) - humble thanks, sir.

You can shed tears that I am gone,
or you can smile because I have lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that I'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all I have left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see me,
or you can be full of the love we have shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember of me only that I am gone,
or you can cherish the memories that we have forged
and let them live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what I would want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

At a Crossroads...

2009-06-02T18:15:00.004-04:00

Up until this point, my practice has not changed a great deal over the past months..

As of 08 June, however (coincidentally the one year anniversary of this blog) the practice turns its focus outwards and manifests more on a physical level.

This physical manifestation is in addition to the internal work that I am doing, not instead of..

Beginning on the 8th, I will begin to meditate upon 'Life in the Body' - what is it to live in a body? Where does it come from? Where does it go when I die? How do I come to terms with the physical limitations and temporal limitations of a physical body?

A poignant and perhaps difficult process which will begin on that date... (well.. begin physically as I have been turning over in my mind and considering for some time now...) is the process of writing letters to my surviving friends and family members. I believe that the point of these letters is to write them and set them aside to be read after my actual physical death. I am, however, considering the possibility of writing them and sending them now. I have not yet made up my mind one way or the other.

Subsequent weeks will will include various practices, such as;

Death Contemplation Practice

Original Face Contemplation

Letting go of Control Practice - i.e. "Blind for a Day Practice", etc.

"Disposing of the Corpse" - Making arrangements for the disposition of my physical remains and also of my belongings, i.e., writing a will, compiling all of my pertinent documentation into a single location with clearly understandable instructions - as a courtesy to whoever is left in the position of actually making the arrangements upon my physical death, etc.

After my death (pertaining to this practice - I will 'Die' the night of 08 July 2009 - the eve of my 50th birthday. I will awaken on the morning of my 50th Birthday 'reborn' 'fresh' 'new' and fully prepared to embark upon the second half of my life - having sloughed off all of the baggage and accumulated detritus of the previous half. I intend to take that first step with my head held high, my eyes and my heart wide open, and with a 'soft belly' - ready to accept whatever life places in my path with trust and equanimity) I will probably take a few days to collect my thoughts, and then sit down and write an entry that best sums up my experiences during this year of Dying Practice.

I began this practice facing one major issue in my life; that of finding a suitable employment vocation, a career that I can fully involve myself in... work that I feel cut out for, where I can be paid a living wage by an honorable boss, and where my work will be appreciated and will benefit others. I have found this during my year of Dying Practice. I have found, and lost, many things during this year... but, I will discuss that in more detail in my final journal entry, which will be after my 'death'.

For now, I am pausing and taking a deep breath at this crossroads in my practice, and preparing myself for some of the more difficult practice methods yet to come.

For those of you who have completed this practice, I would dearly like to hear of your experiences at this point in the journey... for those of you who have not, I will do my best to chronicle both my outward and inward experiences to the best of my ability.

... with palms joined.

The Perfection of Wisdom - Prajna Paramita

2009-05-31T14:08:00.006-04:00

Prajñā (Sanskrit) or paññā (Pali) has been translated as "wisdom," "understanding," "discernment," "cognitive acuity," or "know-how."

In some sects of Buddhism (three guesses!), it especially refers to the wisdom that is based on the direct realization of the Four Noble Truths, impermanence, interdependent origination, non-self, emptiness, etc. Prajñā is the wisdom that is able to extinguish afflictions and bring about enlightenment.

I think that it is vitally important to understand that each of the six paramitas, not only Prajna Paramita, is an enlightened quality of the heart, a glorious virtue or attribute—the innate seed of perfect realization within us.

The paramitas are the very essence of our true nature. However, since these enlightened qualities of the heart have become obscured by delusion, selfishness, notional thinking, pre-conception, desire, aversion, and other karmic tendencies, we must develop these potential qualities and bring them into expression. In this way, the six paramitas are an inner cultivation, a daily practice for wise, compassionate, loving, and enlightened living.

My teacher is fond of saying that Zen is a ‘practice’, rather than a philosophy or a religion, although it has similarities to both religion and philosophy.

The thing is, you cannot just ‘think’ about life or live it from a distance... you must ‘be there’ completely and entirely... it is also true of Zen. In order to be a practitioner of Zen, you must, well, practice... Life. Zen. Subject. Object. You. Me. All are one. No separation.

Prajna is most often translated as ‘wisdom’, at least in the tradition that I practice.

So, what is wisdom? Wisdom is a part of all of the paramitas, which is why I decided to save it for last. It is the ground they stand on, so to speak. To be wise is to be charitable, disciplined, patient, determined, mindful, and the result is the development of wisdom.

Wisdom comes with time. It cannot be hurried, though we are all wise within our own understanding each moment. This sense will evolve as we take each step of our lives. We will become wise when we see our truth, our failures, our successes, our efforts, and so on as just what they are, impermanent moments of our being. Letting go of these is the fruit of our wisdom.

In previous posts, I have made mention that the word 'Paramita' (Parami in the origninal Pali) actually means, "To cross to the other shore." So, the paramitas are also the ways by which we cross away from the Three Poisons (anger, greed and delusion) to live a better life. – I keep repeating this and hammering away at it, and this is with good reason (at least *I* think so..); You see, the other shore isn’t ‘over there’... you can’t swim to it, or row to it or fly to it.... it is already here! You are *on* it... you always have been.

All of the perfection, all of the wisdom, patience, generosity, ethical steadfastness, concentration, joyous effort, all of it... is already yours! It isn’t something that you have... or something that you can find, or get, or take... it is a part of you... it *IS* you... you will never ‘get there’ because you are always arriving... always coming and going, coming and going... from moment to moment in the everlasting, eternal never ending beauteous moment that is NOW.

And *that* is wisdom.

Just Sitting

2009-05-17T11:46:00.012-04:00

Dhyāna (from Sanskrit ध्यान dhyāna) or jhāna in Pāli refers to a stage of meditation, which is a subset of samādhi. It is a key concept in Hinduism, Buddhism, and Sikhism. Equivalent terms are "Chán" in modern Chinese, "Zen" in Japanese, "Seon" in Korean, "Thien" in Vietnamese, and "Samten" in Tibetan.

Dhyāna is very important in the Mahayana tradition. It is the fifth of six pāramitās (perfections). (Some traditions record ten rather than six paramitas)

It is usually translated as "concentration," “absorbtion,” “contemplation,” "meditation," or "meditative stability." In China, the word dhyāna was originally transliterated as chan-na (禅那; Mandarin: chánnà), and was later shortened to just chan (禅) in common usage.

Externally, Dhyana Paramita shows up as presence of mind or collectedness, meditation, contemplation. Internally, the practitioner strives to remain focused and centered and aware and see what is going on, rather than being heedless, mindless, absent-minded and distracted. This practice enables the practitioner to avoid becoming lost in fabrication, and to really see what is going on, right here and now, in the present moment. We can all do this, simply by applying a little attention and focus to the task of training the mind, body and spirit.

Innately, we are all totally absorbed. We are not capable of being anything but absorbed. We often may feel as though we are lost; that we are looking out through our eyes at the world, and at others in the world, but that we are somehow lost. But, this is not accurate. You are not lost at all! You are found! Innately, there is total presence, in practice, we often waste this presence; We miss the point entirely! We are side-tracked by issues that ultimately have no meaning in our lives, we overlook our mindful sense of presence, we detract from it with distorted views, notional thinking and preconceived opinions and idea, and therefore often miss the point entirely! It is as though we are looking at the world as though it were a reflection passed to us through many cracked mirrors - it is distorted and confusing. But, we have the ability to cease this useless sort of activity, to put an end to all of the distracted, pointless activities that we allow to take over our life and our world. When we allow these types of things to take center stage in our life, we end up feeling as though we are living our lives ‘part time’, or as though we are hearing or reading about our own lives, rather than living them, first hand. We feel like we are only operating on one or two cylinders. But we are just using the other cylinders to hold ourselves in. All the cylinders are going all the time. We ourselves are actually present at all times.. totally and continually. It is only through deluded thinking that we end up feeling otherwise. This is worth paying attention to, and taking the time to give some thought to, is it now? How can we not meditate on, contemplate upon, and reflect upon our lives?

It seems odd that sitting and doing what amounts to essentially nothing at all would have any relevance or value to our lives. But, it is often the ‘nothingness’ that makes a thing valuable - it is the nothingness in a hole, a door, a cup, and between the spokes of a wheel that lend value to those items. With us, it is the ability to re-connect with our silence, to dissolve our ego-selves to absolute zero, to find our center, and thus give ourselves a place from which we can more skillfully navigate the world that gives added value to our lives. When a glass is filled with muddy, silted, cloudy water, we cannot see anything clearly through it. However, if we simply leave it be.. and do not touch it or move it for some period of time, everything becomes clear.

Whether doing sitting meditation, walking meditation, chanting, visualization, yoga, martial arts, breathing exercises, prayers, or whatever, the joy of meditation rewards us deeply.

Dhyana, usually under the related term of samadhi, together with the second and sixth paramitas are also known as the three essential studies, or threefold training, of Buddhism: moral precepts (sila), meditation (dhyana or samadhi), and wisdom (prajna). In Mahayana Buddhism no one can be said to be accomplished in Buddhism who has not successfully trained in all three studies.

When Buddhism was brought to China, the Buddhist masters tended to become more focused or primarily adept in one of the three studies. Vinaya masters were those who specialized in the monastic rules of discipline and the moral precepts (sila). Dharma masters were those who specialized in the wisdom teachings of the Sutras and Buddhist treatises (shastras). Dhyana or Chan masters were those who specialized in meditation practice and states of samadhi. Monks would often begin their training under one kind of master, such as a Vinaya master, and then transfer to another master, such as a Dharma master or a Dhyana master, to further their training and studies. At that time there was no separate school known as Chan.

According to tradition, Bodhidharma brought his lineage school of a line of dhyāna masters from India to China. After a somewhat disappointing interview with an Emperor in the south of China, Bodhidharma went into the north and resided in relative obscurity at the Shaolin Temple until several disciples found him. As it became more and more independent, popular and politically influential, the lineage school that was attributed to Bodhidharma became known as the Chan school in China and was transplanted to Korea as Seon, to Japan as Zen, and to Vietnam as Thiền.
Arguably the most influential figure in Chinese Chan is Huineng who, beginning with Bodhidharma, is considered the sixth in line of the founders of the school of Chan Buddhism. Huineng is credited with firmly establishing Chan Buddhism as an independent Buddhist school in China. In the Platform Sutra Huineng says:

Learned Audience, what is sitting for meditation? In our School, to sit means to gain absolute freedom and to be mentally unperturbed in all outward circumstances, be they good or otherwise. To meditate means to realize inwardly the imperturbability of the Essence of Mind. Learned Audience, what are Dhyana and Samadhi? Dhyana means to be free from attachment to all outer objects, and Samadhi means to attain inner peace. If we are attached to outer objects, our inner mind will be perturbed. When we are free from attachment to all outer objects, the mind will be in peace. Our Essence of Mind is intrinsically pure, and the reason why we are perturbed is because we allow ourselves to be carried away by the circumstances we are in. He who is able to keep his mind unperturbed, irrespective of circumstances, has attained Samadhi. To be free from attachment to all outer objects is Dhyana, and to attain inner peace is Samadhi. When we are in a position to deal with Dhyana and to keep our inner mind in Samadhi, then we are said to have attained Dhyana and Samadhi. The Bodhisattva Sila Sutra says, "Our Essence of Mind is intrinsically pure." Learned Audience, let us realize this for ourselves at all times. Let us train ourselves, practice it by ourselves, and attain Buddhahood by our own effort.

In my own lineage, the Sixth Chinese Patriarch, Huineng, who is quoted above, is known as Eno Taikan. He is the 33rd Lineage holder in an unbroken line from the Historical Buddha, Siddhartha Gautama, (also known as Shakyamuni Buddha {The silent sage of the Shakya Clan} down to my Roshi, my teacher, and myself.

Rinzai Gigen, after whom my order is named is number 38, and my teacher is number 82. We liken the mind to mind transmission of this Dhyana or Zen as being similar to pouring water from one vessel to the next. The water takes the shape of the new bowl, cup, or jar.. but it remains essentially unchanged.

Dajian Huìnéng (慧能 or 惠能; Japanese: Daikan Enō; Korean: Hyeneung, 638–713) was a Chinese Chán monastic who is one of the most important figures in the entire tradition. Huineng is the Sixth and Last Patriarch of Chán Buddhism.

He is said to have advocated an immediate and direct approach to Buddhist practice and enlightenment, and in this regard, is considered the founder of the "Sudden Enlightenment" (頓教) Southern Chan school of Buddhism. His foremost students were Nanyue Huairang (or sometimes Huaijang -- in Japanese, he is known as Nangaku Ejo, and was the student that passed Master Huineng’s lineage down thru later students, and ultimately to me... and now to you!), Qingyuan Xingsi, Nanyang Huizhong, Yongia Xuanjue and Heze Shenhui.

So.. you can see how these Paramitas are passed, with great care and perhaps even greater love, from one hand to the next. It is a great gift that has been passed down, from master to disciple, generation to generation, over the years... coming, to my great joy, to me at long last.

Dhyana Paramita is, perhaps, the very essence of Zen practice, although this is not to say that the other five paramitas are not important; of course they are.. but, it is Dhyana from which Zen takes its very name! It is the central focus which affords us the ability to ultimately open our heart/mind to all of the others. There is wisdom in this, and wisdom is what I will be discussing with you next time, when the topic will be Prajna Paramita.

Credit to Wikipedia for excerpts about various Zen Masters in this post

Irrepressibility..

2009-05-14T23:45:00.013-04:00

Vīrya (Pali: viriya) is a Sanskrit word which can be translated into English as "effort," "vigor*," "diligence," "zeal, and "energy." * Our English word ‘vigor’ actually stems from the same Indo-European root as does the Sanskrit ‘Virya’.

The practice of Virya is a practice in which we exert ourselves to the fullest in whatever task we undertake, giving our all to whatever it is that we are doing, no matter how seemingly mundane or relatively unimportant it may seem. The teachings of the 'Historical' (Shakyamuni) Buddha admonishes us not to approach whatever we do halfheartedly, but, rather, to put everything we have into it. Approach each and every undertaking with a full heart, dig down deep, and put your guts into it!!

From the Indo-European Rootword “w -ro-“, we derive not only the Sanskrit ‘Virya’ but also the following Englisha nd Latin words; ‘virago’, ‘virile’, ‘virtue’, ‘virtuosa’, and ‘virtuoso’.

In Buddhism, we use the term Vīrya in a number of instances, which may cause some confusion to new practitioners, or to those who have only a passing interest in Buddhism or Buddhist thought.

Vīrya is:

One of the five controlling faculties (indriya).

One of the five powers (bala).

One of the six (or ten) paramitas.

One of the seven factors of enlightenment (bodhyaṅga), and;

Is identical with right effort of the Noble Eightfold Path (Pali: aṭṭhaṅgiko maggo; Skt.: aṣṭāṅga mārga).

It stands for strenuous and sustained effort to overcome unskillful ways (akusala dhamma), such as indulging in unmoderated sensuality, ill will and harmfulness (see, e.g., ahimsa, nekkhamma).

It stands for the right endeavour to attain dhyāna.

Vīrya does not stand for physical strength.

It signifies strength of character and the persistent effort for the well-being of others. In the absence of sustained efforts in practicing meditation, craving creeps in and the meditator comes under its influence. Right effort known as vīryabala is, thus, required to overcome unskillful mental factors and deviation from dhyāna.

* Zen is a ‘School’ or ‘Tradition’ of Buddhism, there are various schools or traditions which have their own focus and perhaps slightly different methods. Zen is 'a' way. There are many paths to the top of the mountain.

There are, more or less, three phases of Zen Training; Virya paramita: energy, effort, exertion, is called in Japanese ‘Shojin’. Thus then, the Fourth Paramita is actually the First Phase of the Three Phases of Zen, which are;

---THE THREE PHASES OF ZEN:

There are three phases or stages of training typically found common to Zen:

I The First Phase is shojin, the period of training in which the will and conscious effort are involved, and may take three to five years of diligent practice.

II The Second Phase is the period of concentration without conscious effort. The disciple is at peace. He can become an assistant to the master and later become a master himself and teach others in his turn.

III The Third Phase the spirit achieves true freedom, Enlightenment. Over and over it is found Zen historians citing the experience of full liberation being brought about by (but not limited to) hsing-chiao (also Un-Sui – lit. ‘Clouds & Water’ ((also a term for a monk)) ) whichch consists of sending the learner traveling from one hill to another, from one school to another, studying under one master and then another.

The Japanese word for the First Phase, Shojin, translates as "ceaseless effort" or "constant effort." Said to be from the Sanskrit word "Virya" (in Pali: Viriya).

There are many cases where Buddhist monks have accomplished amazing things simply by applying this attribute of ceaseless effort to their lives and to their practice.

Dharma Master Cheng Yen Fa-Shi, is one such Buddhist nun. In 1966, she founded the Tzu Chi Foundation after she witnessed the devastating poverty experienced by many Taiwanese people. She persuaded 30 housewives to form a group and to save 50 cents a day from their housekeeping money. This money was then used to help the poor. In one year, these 30 housewives helped 15 families. The foundation grew from there to its present size of more than 5 million supporters and 30,000 trained volunteers.

The organization also includes a Buddhist order of nuns, who further the work of the foundation. One thing I find fascinating about this order is that, unlike most other forms of Buddhism, they don't take any money from anyone for their own support.

Buddhist monks from Thailand's Sisaket province wanted a temple but had no money or much in the way of resources with which to obtain building supplies. Rather than lament what they were lacking, they took matters into their own hands and collected a million bottles to build the Wat Pa Maha Chedi Kaew temple.

Dying practice teaches us that time is passing, life is fleeting, and that living authentically and completely can only be achieved by being entirely present in the present moment. This means giving each and every moment everything that we have got to give, and holding nothing back at all. What might *you* do if you apply Virya Paramita to your daily life and practice?

Meditations Upon Cleaning the Cat-Litter Box

2009-04-28T14:59:00.005-04:00

There is much wisdom to be gained from the simple, mundane, and often forgotten tasks that life requires of us. Today, as I washed the dishes, cleaned out the cat litter box, and emptied the garbage, I rejoiced in the 'such-ness' of my work!!

As I washed the dishes, I relished the feel of the clean, hot water, the scent of the soap, and the squeaking sound of newly cleaned dishes. Rather than absent myself from my task, I remained silently mindful and appreciative of this moment as being as much a part of my life as any other moment... and this helped me to remain 'present' as I worked.

Washing dishes is a supremely optimistic activity, if one thinks about it at all; If we had no expectation of yet another meal to come, why wash the dishes at all? Truthfully, the act of washing dishes is cause for much appreciation - in order to have dishes at all, we must have had the means of acquiring them... in order to wash them and to have them, we must have some place in which to both store them and wash them.. a kitchen perhaps!! To have a kitchen is to have a place to prepare meals, maybe a place where one can live, and rest... or sleep. The fact that I could do dishes rather than remain wary and be constantly on guard is due, primarily, to my sense of security. I must feel safe from harm to be able to focus on dishes... rather than on my personal safety.

If I consider one dish, I have reason to be grateful to a vast number of people whose efforts were brought to bear in the design, manufacture, transport and sale of this single item. Someone had to conceive of its design, and sit down to draw the design out. That person needed a table, pens and pencils, rulers, and other tools, inks, erasers, a chair, clothing.. and an office.. in a building! Each of these items, in turn must also be designed and manufactured!

Once a dish is designed, it must be made. Clay must be obtained, and tools are needed to excavate the clay... perhaps an area must first be cleared of trees... a road constructed for access... vessels in which to store and move the clay... and machines or devices to process it. Molds are needed, as well as racks, a kiln, paints, glazes, packaging, vehicles, and all of these things in turn require the work of many... for each step of the way some item is required ... and each item is brought into being only as a collective process... the trees are felled with tools... someone must survey the area to be cleared... the direction that the road will take... and so on. Accountants, administrators and managers must ply their trade... drivers, receiving clerks, packagers, salespeople, cashiers.... all work so that a dish will come into being, and I will be able to use it! I must have some means by which I can earn money in order to purchase my dish... and clothing to wear in order to shop... and someplace to bring the dish once I have acquired it. This one small item involves the work and cooperation of literally thousands,... if not millions of people.

And it is only one dish.

How wonderful to realize how my life is intertwined so inextricably with the lives of so many others! Many of whom I shall never meet, or see!! And yet... I have a dish from which to eat food that nourishes my body, and the bodies of my loved ones... so that we may continue to live, love, be healthy, and stay happy!!

How grateful I am to be able to do the dishes!!

Cleaning the cat litter box seems very unpleasant... it smells foul, it is dirty, and I must be in an uncomfortable position as I work... and yet, in order to have a cat litter box to clean, I must first have at least one cat. In fact, I have two. Two beautiful, perfect, silken wonders... two generous non-judgmental spirits who love me unconditionally. It makes no difference to them that I be rich, famous, honorable, or truthful... only that I be kind. What matters to them is that I am me. And we are of the same tribe. They never speak.. but, when I move from one part of the house to another, they silently get up and follow, in order to be near me. They ask nothing of me. They give whatever is in their heart to give. Each and every day. In order for them to use the cat litter box, they must be fed.. and in order for me to feed them, I must be at least wealthy enough to be able to afford to purchase food for them. It occurs to me that I am very lucky indeed to be fortunate enough to clean the cat litter box. There are many people in this world who have not a single friend as loving or as loyal as my cats are to me.

Taking out the garbage seems to be a nuisance at first glance... however, when I realize that what I throw away... no matter how thrifty my habits may be, is often more than many people ever own in all of their lifetime. I take the garbage out to the trash can, and it is picked up by men who are paid to do this.... and carted to the landfill or dump... this process involves the work of many... and indicates to me that I am enfolded in the protective arms of a society that is wealthy and organized enough to have such luxuries as a garbage disposal system. The plastic garbage can that I line with plastic garbage bags... and the bags themselves are beyond the means of many, many people in the world. Some of whom would feast on the bits that I consider garbage.

Washing dishes, cleaning cat litter box, taking out garbage... these are as much a part of my life as my greatest triumph... and pray that I will always have the presence of mind and the wisdom to appreciate the many, many gifts that these seemingly unimportant tasks reveal to me.

These tasks which are mine to perform are a gift to me from the whole universe.

Each item that I own represents a sacrifice of time, effort, and perhaps a sacrifice of life by some being... may I be always worthy to receive that.

May the wisdom that I gain through the performance of my work give me, each day, the strength to transform my unwholesome qualities into wholesome ones...

May I be ever grateful of the marvelous blessings, however small, that are bestowed upon me each moment that I live...

Kshanti Paramita

2009-04-28T10:35:00.004-04:00

The Third Paramita is called Kshantí Paramita (Sanskrit) (Khanti in Pali) which variously translates as patience, forbearance, forgiveness, tolerance, endurance, acceptance, etc.

When we practice exercising patience or tolerance towards situations, circumstances or behavior which may not necessarily deserve it, we are practicing Kshanti. The practice of Kshanti should be seen as a conscious choice to actively and wholeheartedly give our patience and acceptance – as a gift – rather than to do so out of some feeling of social or personal obligation. Kshanti stems from feelings of compassion and love rather than oppression, and we therefore practice Kshanti as a voluntary action, and not because we have been forced or manipulated into acting in such a way.

To exercise patience in the sense that is implied by the practice of Kshanti doesn’t mean to simply ‘put up’ with something... it means having some balance, a sense of restraint. Often, when confronted with unpleasant or difficult situations or people, we react rather instinctively (and often negatively!) rather than respond appropriately. To exercise Kshanti is to open our heart to the world.. to life.. to others... being patient instead of being totally irritable and reactive. It means persevering through whatever twists and turns the path requires. Life most often does not unfold according to our pre-planned expectations. Often, our expectations are not even realistic, and yet, when we fail to realize them, we become frustrated, irritable, and unhappy. This unhappiness brings unhappiness to us, and to those around us. Practicing Kshanti, we freely accept that we will face obstacles, difficulties, failures, problems.. this is life.. and this is what it is to be a human being. What truly matters is what actually happens, however, since this is, in fact, our life and our story. So; although we naturally hope to achieve all of our goals and to meet with success in every venture that we undertake, it is a wise person who realizes and accepts that often life simply does not go according to plan, so, we must be patient not only with others and with circumstances, but, more importantly, with ourselves. To truly practice Kshanti is to start by having patience and tolerance with our inability to meet our own expectations, to accept our weaknesses, faults, hang-ups, and neuroses – to love ourselves, and to accept ourselves, just as we are. Once we can practice Kshanti towards our self, we can open our heart to others, and to the world, the universe, the cosmos. Accepting oneself in this way, totally and completely, gives us access to the vast open spaces of our own heart; space in which we may live and grow.

Whatever happens as our life unfolds is our story, so, why not simply accept this gift of life, whatever it happens to be?? In actuality, regardless of what we may hope for or expect, the truth is that we are all here for the whole show, so we should exercise Kshanti Paramita, and willingly see it through, wherever it ultimately takes us. It is our story. It is our life!! To avoid it or to miss it is not only a shame, and a waste; it is a crime!.

The simple (or not so simple!) fact is this: What life offers us is what we have to work with, period!

We are not going anywhere else; this is it! Very often, wisdom comes to people as they get older and this realization sets in. They realize that no matter what they do, they are going to keep on keeping on. That's the most secret, mystical meaning of the Kshanti Paramita.

People have often pointed out at this point that there are many who have decided to commit suicide.. and they ask me, “What about so and so who committed suicide?” Well, each of us is struggling with something, and, often our suffering and pain drives us to act in ways that are not in keeping with our true nature, or with our innate wisdom. Even then there is a type of flow, continuity or ‘on-going-ness’. We are all in it for the whole journey. Don't be deceived by mere appearances. Throughout nature, no matter where you look, death always results in new life and new beginnings, and I suspect that the ‘big picture’ is too big for me to understand. So, I am left with the decision, with each breath, to practice Kshanti Paramita... or not. We are always dying.. in every moment... we carry the seed of our own destruction within us... or, more accurately, the seed of our own destruction *IS* us... and not a separate thing or quality. We are also being born in every moment... always arriving... and never reaching our destination. Life is a process... and it is constantly flowing, and evolving, and happening. Life does not wait. Life simply is. We cant fold it up and put it neatly into a labeled pigeon-hole. We must exercise Kshanti.. be patient, accept what life unfolds in the eternal and ever-changing moment.

Whatever life confronts us with.. whatever we may be forced to engage, we will do it more skillfully and more artfully with a calm, clear, serene and tranquil mind. No matter *what* comes to us... if we have the presence of mind to call our wisdom and experience to bear, even if we have few options other than to endure what comes... we will do it better if we respond with forethought, wisdom, and an open, accepting, tolerant, loving, and patient mind than if we simply react out of irritability, fear, frustration, and anger.

Have patience!

"May I be be pure and virtuous."

2009-04-18T06:36:00.006-04:00

Sila Paramita, the perfection of ethics and morality represents the Bodhisattva's abstention from the commission of evil deeds involving his body, speech or mind.

The abstinences of the body consist of abstaining from killing living self-aware beings, taking that which is not freely given, or indulging excessively in sensual pleasures, sexual misconduct or ingesting substances which cloud the mind or cause confusion.

The abstinences of speech include abstaining from falsehood, slander, and finding fault in others.

The abstinences of mind consist of refraining from thoughts of jealousy, envy, wrath, hatred or greed.

These abstinences are sometimes referred to as precepts (though both my teacher and my Roshi tend to dislike this translation, simply preferring to use the term 'Síla' instead.)

These Síla or precepts offer us a moral and ethical guideline. For the most part, those of us who were raised, particularly in a Western Judeo-Christian society, are more or less used to morality being defined by rules, and most of those rules are preceeded by the word "don't".

In Buddhism, the 'rules' are mostly guidelines which help us to ameliorate or to lessen the effects of the Three Poisons (anger, greed and delusion) by warning us to avoid the acts that result from those poisons.

We are not expected to blindly follow a set of rules that have been written down without first comparing them against our own wisdom, and against our own life experience.

Naturally, there are often times when our wisdom may not be so great, or our life experience painfully wanting in certain areas, and, it is in this case that we look to our mentors, our teachers, or others who fill this role in our lives, to help us to gain some better understanding of how to apply these precepts to whatever we may be confronting.

The Six Paramitas give us a different perspective on ethics, and our teachers help us to apply them to our own lives and circumstances. The close relationship between student and teacher in Zen is extremely important for this reason, and for many other reasons as well. For those who are not Zen practitioners, there are others who may very well fill this place in your life; parent, teacher, priest, rabbi, friend, whoever we look up to, whoever we wish to emulate, whoever is a positive example for us to follow. As in many things, it is very important that we choose carefully who we allow to fill this role for us.

In a previous post, I mentioned that the word 'Paramita' (Parami in the origninal Pali) actually means, "To cross to the other shore." So, the paramitas are also the ways by which we cross away from the Three Poisons (anger, greed and delusion) to live a better life.

Síla means virtue, ethics, morality, self-discipline, impeccability. Síla is a beautiful Sanskrit and Pali word. It means that which cools the intense broiling, roiling stew of passions and conflicting emotions. It's like a shade tree in the desert of blazing, conflicting emotions, a shelter where we can find relief. Non-attachment, integrity, and a righteous, honest, impeccable life provides a shelter, a true refuge in our increasingly confusing times.

On an external basis, Síla is somewhat akin to 'Ahimsa' or 'not harming'.

On an internal basis, this means exercising integrity and honesty.

Every human being has this innate capacity to be honest and pure of heart, even if it is only dimly viewed at times, and not revealed so very often. We each have the capacity to be impeccable, honest, virtuous. Not self-righteous, but to live what is known as the righteous life. That's enlightened living.

We can approach our training and our practice from the outside in, by restraining or vowing not to harm, not to engage in improper behavior, not to kill, lie, steal, intoxicate ourselves, and so on.

We can also simultaneously approach our trainng and our practice from the inside out, from our innate goodness and integrity, by resting in the natural state without clinging, free from concepts and attachment.

By utilizing this approach of working both from the outside in, as well as the inside out, we allow our natural morality, natural integrity, and natural impeccability to flow forth without vows, without having outer strictures. We allow our true nature to shine forth, and, we improve our own life, and the lives of others around us.

So, it is best to train is from outside in and inside out at the same time, not just blindly following rules, but allowing our true nature to flower and our highest character to develop. This is enlightened living. When we allow ourselves to change for the better, our children and grandchildren and the world change, too.

Morality and ethics is, at its most basic form, about expressing a love for others. A sense of kindness, tolerance, and compassion for every other being. It is better, from a Zen standpoint to exploit that innate, natural resource of love and compassion, and to let it guide our actions towards other, rather than exploiting others for what we think we need and want. Let's exploit our own natural resource within, our own true spiritual inheritance. That is something we can never really lose; no one and nothing can take it away from us. It can only be given away, bartered or sold... but never taken.

The essential nature of this paramita is that through our loving-kindness and compassion we refrain from harming others; we are virtuous and non-harming in our thoughts, speech, and actions. This practice of ethical conduct is the very foundation for progressing in any practice of meditation or spiritual growth and for attaining all higher realizations on the path to enlightenment.

The practice of Dána (generosity) must always be supported by the practice of Síla (ethics); as this ensures the lasting results of our generosity.

We should constantly strive to perfect our conduct by eliminating harmful behavior and following the precepts of the Six Paramitas.

The Paramitas are not meant to be a burden or a restriction of our freedom. We follow these precepts so we can enjoy greater freedom, happiness, and security in our lives, because through our virtuous behavior we are no longer creating suffering for ourselves and others.

It is important to realize that unethical behavior is always involved somewhere in the cause of suffering and unhappiness. If we consider, even to the slightest degree, the advantages of cultivating ethical behavior and the disadvantages of cultivating unethical behavior, we will certainly view the practice of ethics with a greater sense of enthusiasm.

In practicing the perfection of ethics, we become free of negativity, we cause no harm to others by our actions, our speech is kind and compassionate, and our thoughts are free of anger, malice, and other delusional or otherwise wrong views.

Those whose commitment is strong in the practice of ethics are at ease, naturally confident, without stress, and happy because we are not carrying any underlying sense of guilt or remorse for our actions, and thus, we have nothing to hide from anyone! Maintaining our personal honor and integrity, our moral impeccability, this is the cause of all goodness, happiness, and even the attainment of enlightenment.

Nobody is perfect. Each of us has likely committed some act in our lives for which we are ashamed or regretful. There is little or nothing that can be done to change what has happened in the past. We can attempt to make amends for whatever we may have done, if this is possible, or, we can accept that it was an unskillful act, realize that it was caused by a series of wrong views and wrong choices, and resolve to begin developing right views, and making right choices based upon them. It is through the practice of Síla Paramita that we are able to develop these right views.

Not a one of us is a snapshot. Nothing that we do, either good or bad is indicative of our nature, or of who or what we are. It is simply something which took place. We are a process... continuously flowing and changing, and each breath provides us with a brand new opportunity to begin anew!

Two Out of Three

2009-04-13T00:08:00.010-04:00

In Buddhist practice we teach about the 'Six Paramitas', which are often translated as the 'Six Perfections' or 'Transcendences' or something similar. These are all suitable translations, however, the Sanskrit word Paramita (Parami in the origninal Pali) actually means, "To cross to the other shore."

What does this mean? Clearly it is a metaphoric statement, and what it is making reference to, at least to my understanding, is the process by which we cross over the sea of suffering (Samsara) to reach the far shore of happiness & awakening (Nirvana). This is also, in turn, metahphoric, and is used to explain how we transform ourselves, through the tenets of Buddhist thought and practice, moving or 'crossing over' from ignorance & delusion to enlightenment.

This process of self transformation is not an easy one, and there are volumes upon volumes of Buddhist writings, scripture, and doctrine which describe methods by which this may be achieved.

Dying practice is, in a sense, a concentrated form of Buddhist practice in which one is primarily practicing the Six Paramitas. Perhaps it would be best for me to simply list them, and discuss the first of the six in this post, and the others in subsequent posts.

The Six Paramitas:

Dána Paramita (The Perfection of Generosity): Dána means to give, or, generosity. The English words donor, donote, and donation are derived from the word 'Dána'. Dána means the practice of compassion; it is charity, offering, and generosity. The essence of this paramita is unconditional love, for all beings. It is the practice of giving freely, without attachment or expectation. This can be giving in the monetary sense, or giving of our time, our love, and ourselves - giving of our presence. Regardless of what is given, or why it is given, the very act of giving must, by definition, involve the act of 'letting go' by one of the parties involved. Being able to let go is paramount in the practice of Dána Paramita, and is also a critical factor in the ability to successfully live one's life fully, properly, without reservation or equivocation and authentically. In Buddhism, Dána is broken down into three major types of giving;
1. The giving of wealth, material resources. This is the giving of what one has to give for the purpose of giving, and not for the purpose of receiving some recognition or any other benefit. In order to be able to give selflessly, we must first find a method by which the human sense of self, the idea of a separate, distince entity or body/mind complex can be reduced to zero; By allowing the 'Ego self' to dissolve away, one finds that all of the thoughts, hopes, and desires cease at last - and we find ourselves surprised by the utter cessation of these desires. (coincidentally, the Sanskrit word 'Nirvana' {'Nibbana' in Pali} means 'extinguish' or 'blow out' and is not the name of some type of paradise or heaven, as many people (particularly in the west) seem to envision). A step towards this achieving this reduction of the sense of self is the practice of Dána Paramita; due to the fact that, in order to be able to be truly generous, one must be able to diminish one's sense of not only a self, but a sense of ownership or possession. Doing this, i.e., removing 'me' also goes a long way towards removing 'mine;, 'my', 'ours' etc. a common tendency to stockpile resources to one's own benefit, and to the benefit of one's family, whereas Buddhism, Zen training, Dying Practice, and similar types of mental training strive to de-emphasize this inborn focus upon the self - upon the 'me', 'my' and 'mine' in favor of a more inclusive view of the world and of the cosmos. The practice of facing, considering, contemplating and, if successful, ultimately accepting the imminence of one's death/dying, must, by force, lead one to consider that there is a greater self, or greater nature, which exists beneath the overly of the 'Ego self' (the 'I' or 'Me' what we commonly envision as living somewhere 'behind my eyes' and looking out on the world, making choices, passing judgments, and having opinions, preferences, and other types of notional thinking and afflictive emotions.
2. The giving of Teaching. As monks, we tend to spend a fair amount of our time teaching the Dharma (Dhamma in Pali) (The word dharma literally translates as that which upholds or supports, and is generally translated into English as law. The word "dharma" can also be translated as "the teachings of the Buddha") to others. Indeed, we are obligated to teach the Dharma when requested to do so. One does not have to be a monk, however, to practice this type of Dána Paramita (Teaching others). When we take the time to teach others, we go a long way towards helping them to learn how to be more self-reliant. To stand, in essence, upon their own two feet. The giving or donating of material resources helps us to solve immediate needs. If we wish to find solutions to more long-range problems, however, we must teach. One doesn't have to have exceptional skills as a teacher. If we simply focus on teaching whatever we are knowledgeable or skilled at and what others are not, we can be highly successful. To a monk, however, the highest form of teaching is the teaching of the Dharma, which can help people find lasting happiness and liberation.
3. The giving of Fearlessness. I began discussing this form of giving in a previous journal entry; Please see my previous post on this topic for an in-depth discussion on this form of giving. In this post I conclude the discussion of Dána Paramita (giving) by offering a teaching not only on the giving of resources, but on the giving of teaching itself. I hope you will forgive my not repeating or adding to my entry on the giving of fearlessnes... after all, two out of three is not so bad!!
So. In this post and in my previous post, I have discussed the first of the Six Paramitas (Dána Paramita - The Perfection of Giving. This is appropriate for Dying Practice, for, when one dies, the act of dying is the supreme act of giving... for one gives the very essence of oneself... every last thing that we possess. Perhaps, then, if we practice Dána Paramita starting today, we will not only improve the lives of others by way of our generosity, but, also improve and transform our own.. indeed, we may find that we have been transformed. When it is time to die for us, we will be so practiced in the perfection of giving that it will simply come to us in our natural stride, with ease, with dignity, and with beauty. I have discussed a portion the first of the Six Paramitas in the previous post, and in this one - albeit slightly out of order, discussed the remainder. I intend to discuss the remaining five Paramitas in upcoming posts. These remaining five Paramitas are:
Síla Paramita (The Perfection of Ethics):

Kshantí Paramita (The Perfection of Patience):

Virya Paramita (The Perfection of Joyous Effort/Enthusiastic Perserverance):

Dhyana Paramita (The Perfection of Concentration):

Prajna Paramita (The Perfection of Wisdom):

I have not decided whether I will cover each in a separate post, break each one down and cover it over a series of posts, or cover all of the remaining in one single post.. but, I will do my best to present it in the best way that I am able.

In any case, for those of you who either enjoy what is written here, or find it helpful to your practice, or in your daily life, perhaps you will visit again to learn a bit more about these perfections.

With palms joined....

Fearlessness

2009-02-26T21:19:00.004-05:00

Fear is something that we are all intimately familiar with.. everyone has, from time to time, confronted some situation or circumstance that has turned their insides to ice water, and their knees to rubber.

There are many different types and gradiations of fear, probably as many as there are individuals to experience them.

Fear can be debilitating. It can cause us to close the fist of our heart, close our minds, close our ears... withdraw...

It can result in a life that is not lived honestly, fully, and completely.

As human beings, we must experience fear... it is part of what it is to be human. We cannot escape this... and we cannot avoid it.

This journal, in its entirety, is, more or less an investigation into human fear. A very basic fear that we each share: fear of dying. I do not say fear of death, because once we are dead, I would imagine that there is no longer anything to fear. But, the actual process of dying is a different matter entirely!! Will there be pain? Will there be indignity? Suffering? These are things that we all face, sooner or later, and must therefore consider.

Fear can take many forms.. however, in its basic essence, it is fear of dying that is our greatest fear. Naturally, I am generalizing.. but, I don't think that I am so very far from the truth in making this statement.

Does this mean that we are all cowards? Because we have a fear of dying?

Well... I would have to say that cowardice is a refusal to acknowledge fear. How so?

Courageousness and bravery are not products of the reduction of fear, but of transcending fear... of going beyond fear... of acting according to our values despite the presence of fear!

Do you think that Jesus Christ did not feel fear during his long night in the garden of Gethsemane?

Do you suppose that Mohammed was not in fear when he entered the cave called Hira and was confronted by the Angel Gabriel and commanded to read? (recite).

Fear is something that can steal our resolve, or cause us to shut down ... the meaning of 'petrified' means to be turned to stone, and the true meaning of horror is to be rendered incapable of communicating with others... as when buried alive, or locked in to some place with some form of terrible person or creature or other fearsome thing and not able to get the attention of others, i.e, help.

The underlying purpose of both Zen practice, in general, and Dying practice, specifically, is to foster fearlessness in the practitioner.

To be fearless is to be free. To experience fearlessness, to make it an integral part of one's nature is to be at home wherever one happens to be.

What better way to begin to understand the nature of fear than to confront and examine one's own mortality, as well as one's responses and reactions to that mortality?

There are many situations that can trigger fear, not just the thought of dying... new or changing circumstances or people, pressure, attachment to loved ones (i.e., fear of losing them), attachment to belongings, attachment to status.. these are just a few.

I often see people begin to confront fears and anxieties when they first come to learn how to practice Zen; they very likely have never attempted to constrain themselves either physically or mentally in a similar fashion... or, if they have, there was no social pressure as there is an Zendo to 'stick to it'. There is no escape! (In the strictest sense, this is always true - for you cannot escape from yourself ((if you have one! HA!)) ). Sometimes they confront these discomforting feelings and learn to engage them and not to try to control them.. to 'let go' in essence of the illusion of having control over everything in one's life.. and we see them again. More often, they do not... and we don't see them again, or, perhaps not for a while. It isn't an easy thing to do. To sit quietly, in stillness, and in silence is a tall order for someone who has spent most of their life doing just the opposite... it can be like sitting upon an ant hill! The pain comes in waves.. physical, mental, and emotional.

I watch them as they begin to feel the physical discomfort set in.... and they struggle with that.... and then the anxieties and fears begin to gnaw at them; How long will this last? (we tell them at the outset... but time doesn't pass the same way when you are on 'the cushion'.) My leg is going numb! Will it fall off?! I shouldn't be sitting here doing nothing!! I should be [insert 'productive' activity here]. While I am here.. what is my husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/TV/cat/child doing?? I have been sitting here for nearly 20 minutes!! When am I going to get enlightened?!?!

For some, there are some very deep-set anxieties... perhaps the loss of a loved one that they have never yet found closure for... some 'failure' or what they view as a failure that crops up to fill the silence... lost loves... lost wealth... loss... failure... BOREDOM.

In our modern culture, boredom is to be avoided at any cost!!

I think that on some level.. this is a coward's attitude. When boredom sets in, anxiousness begins to rear its head. We are beginning to get closer to our fear. It is time to find some form of entertainment, and to banish any thoughts of death or of loss!

The truth is somewhat simple; you cannot control everything that happens to you, or around you. You DO NOT control most of what happens... more likely, you do not actually control anything other than yourself.. and perhaps that not so well without working very hard at it. So, why go through the trouble? Why not just live life with one's head in the sand and be content with that? Well.. most folks don't really ask these questions, and so there is no answer if a question has not been posed. For those of us who do ask... it is up to us to seek out the truth... or at least a truth that will suffice for now.. until we learn more.

There are many ways to avoid thoughts of death and loss... and most are probably not overly healthy on some level. No matter how much we avoid thinking of it... it is still a part of us. Not behind us... or out there... not in us ... simply 'us'. We *are* our own death... we *are* our own sadness and loss. It is not something that we can be separate from.

Fear has to be acknowledged. We have to realize that we fear, that we feel fear... and we must reconcile ourselves with that fear. We grow up thinking that it is somehow wrong to feel fear or to be sad or to be vulnerable to fear or to sadness. That is hogwash. We fear. So what? It is part of being what we are; human.

I think it is an act of cowardice to avoid acknowledging fear. I think it is an act of cowardice to live a life as though we have no fear, and nothing to fear. As though we will never die.

In times past, death was part of daily life. When a family member died, they were cleaned and prepared for their funerary rites by the family. (this is where we get the term 'parlor' for living room from... the dead were laid out in the parlor. This is probably why we call it a funeral 'home'.

Nowadays, death is hidden from view and it is taboo to discuss it openly. Nobody says that so and so 'died'... we avoid the point by using all sorts of euphemisms. But, this changes nothing. ... and it never has. The only thing that changes is our method of dealing with and of apprehending reality and truth.

I think it is better to acknowledge fear. To face it... to observe our behavior when in the grip of fear... even tiny fears. I have noticed how fear often manifests itself as a form of restlessness.

Acknowledging fear isn't a cause for us to be ashamed (another form of fear), dismayed or depressed. Only by feeling fear and by acknowledging fear can we ever hope to claim our legacy of being fearless. Fearlessness is not by any means the absence or the reduction of fear.. it is simply the ability to move beyond that fear.

Fearlessness begins when we stop... when we cease... when we are still.... and when we begin to examine our fear. To observe it, and to notice how it affects us mentally, emotionally, and physically. It is important to study and learn how we respond to embarrassment, shyness, loneliness, anger (another form of fear), prejudice, bigotry, (both forms of fear), anxiety, nervousness, concern... we will notice that these emotions are always 'moving' and creating energy in our bodies... making us feel restlessness and vamping up our breathing, our heart rate, and our blood pressure. However, when we stop... when we deliberately observe and control our breathing... when we examine these feelings that cause restlessness all the way to thier root cause; what we find is sadness, which is calm and soft.

When we find our sadness, there is a tight feeling in the chest... and in the throat... rather than in the abdomen, where fear is held. This feeling culminates in the production of tears from our eyes.... and we release the sadness.... like a gentle rain in spring... or perhaps like a fierce winter gale... but, we are able to find release nonetheless.

Only by working with and discovering the softness and the openness of the human heart can we hope to find the beginning of fearlessness. There is nothing so strong or so powerful as gentleness.

This may seem awkward at first for some... that is okay... awkwardness is fear in another guise... but, eventually it becomes very apparent at how appropriate and proper it is for a human being to be tender, open and compassionate. And, perhaps, a little bit sad. Sadness is soft, and pliable... it gives, and it bends. Bravery by itself is brittle and hard - and easily broken.

When we are tender and open, we learn to become fearless... when we are gentle and compassionate, we accept the fear in others... and we learn to communicate honestly and directly... both with ourselves, and with others.

In Buddhism, this compassionate nature is embodied by the Bodhisattva Avalokiteshvara (Sanskrit: Literally "Lord who looks down and hears the cries of the world". ). Avalokiteshvara is known as Kannon in Japan, Kwan-Yin (Gwan-Yin) in China, Kwan-Sae-Eum Bo-SSal in Korea, Chenrezig in Tibet, and in Mongolia; Megjid Janraisig. The Dalai Lama is believed by Tibetan Buddhists to be an incarnation of Chenrezig. Clearly, the embodiment of compassion, tenderness, kindness, gentleness and love is a very important concept to Buddhists.

Clearly, it is a very important concept to all beings.

Whether you are practicing Zen, conducting your own dying practice, or following some other spiritual practice... whether you are not following some spiritual practice... regardless of who or what you are... I would like you to discover your fearlessness.

Fearlessness is the most profound gift that can be bestowed upon one. It is said that power corrupts... but I disagree. I would submit to you that it is fear that corrupts. Fear of losing power. Fear of what those in power may do. Fear corrupts the mind. Fear corrupts the heart.

Fear builds walls. Fearlessness builds bridges.

Sit still. Stand tall. Be fearless.

Learning How to Die is Learning How to Live

2009-02-16T10:52:00.007-05:00

As of this writing, I have approximately four and a half month left to live. Much of my practice has been devoted to my life review, in which I am primarily focused upon the past.. sorting things out and bringing them to mind so that I may meditate upon them with gratitude, forgiveness, and so that I might treat each encounter with those who have shared my life's journey for some period of time with finality. In each case, I say goodbye to them with the understanding that this is very likely the last time we will ever meet in this life.

More than anything else, this practice of 'parting as though it is our last meeting' has had a profound effect on me, on my way of thinking and approaching my life, and, truthfully, on what and who I am.

There are experiences and practices that alter our understanding, perhaps by increasing or refining knowledge.

There are experiences and practices that alter our emotions, perhaps by enabling us to either release them or to control them... according to our particular need.

There are experiences and practices that alter our behaviors, perhaps by offering some type of ethical guidelines, a moral compass, or some other 'benefit' ( I am thinking now of the military, perhaps incarceration, or a monastic vocation -- each of these are likely an amalgam of the aforementioned experiences, however... they are different somehow.)

Lastly, there are experiences and practices that change a person on a fundamental level. (Now that I sit here and let my thoughts go where they will for a few moments... the three examples in the previous paragraph/parentheses actually qualify to live in this paragraph, but, I am going to leave them just where they are... ) In any case, the practice of treating each experience with finality is just such a practice. At least for me. Treating each meeting with another person, each meal, each day, each breath ... as though it is the very last time it will be experienced, adds a vibrancy, a poignancy, and a degree of gratitude and appreciation that makes behaving otherwise seem colorless and devoid of meaning.

If I take nothing else from this practice, I will take this.

As it turns out, I will take much more from my Dying Practice... as a matter of fact, I have been slowly incorporating a great deal into my way of living. In many cases this was deliberate, and in a great many more cases I hadn't realized I was doing so until I re-read my journal, or otherwise found reason to review 'pre-dying practice' time period and compared it to the present time period. Not in one case have I found this to be unwise, unpleasant, or unwelcome.

Life review practice is beginning to enter the time period where my monastic practice began to flag, everything was in doubt, and I started making less than wise choices. In a few cases, where I made some of the worst judgment calls and biggest mistakes of my life. Happily, there was enough of 'me' left in those days that I was able to curtail my journey down that particular path of unskillful behavior, unskillful thought, and harmful effects. For me, this way is better. Maybe better for those around me, too. You know, people have said things to me on more than one occasion along the lines of 'well, you monks are sacred, you are different from the rest of us... its easier for you! You never do anything wrong...', etc. Well, that is very far from the truth. We are no different from anybody else on a fundamental level.. meaning the building blocks of what we are.... we are human, and we have all of the facets that every other human being has. What may be different is that we choose with each and every breath, to behave in a certain fashion, in a non-harming and morally upstanding way.

In Korea they have a proverb that translates, roughly, as; Garbage human beings become monks, garbage monks become Zen students, garbage Zen students become Buddha!

What this means is that only a person who self-examines, identifies a shortcoming, and is willing to put forth the effort to change will change and improve. We need problems so that we can learn whatever they offer to teach us in the very act of our solving them.

Thomas Merton, the famous Trappist monk, was once queried as to why he had become a monk. But the tone of the question was, "You think you are so special, you are putting yourself up on a high pedestal." Merton's response was "I became a monk because I am just exactly like everyone else."

What does it take to become a monk? It takes exactly what has brought all of us to practice: our minds have gotten stuck on a question or problem. Unable to find the answer in our minds, we have reached a dead end. That is why we become monks. That is why we practice.

This was the problem that the historical Buddha, Siddartha Gautama (Shakyamuni) faced, and which ultimately resulted in his awakening and enlightenment, and true of his axial age contemporaries around the civilized world. It was and remains a human problem.

The reality is that we do not become monks in order to run away from life... but to run towards it. Indeed, there are many different paths and methods for embracing life, and my way is but one, and most likely a somewhat peculiar method. My Dying Practice is merely an offshoot or augmentation of my monastic practice... but, I am finding that they compliment one another in numerous, previously unlooked for and unexpected ways.

One such way is what I would like to discuss here today.

We all live, breathe, wake up, go to work, seek some form of entertainment or leisure, and go through our lives either leaning towards things that make us happy or give us joy, and leaning away from or averting from those things that cause us discomfort or make us sad. Time passes, and either, we die, leaving behind a few wonderful memories and a lot of wasted time. Or, we run into a figurative wall, take stock of what we are, what we have become, or where we are headed... and we find it to be less than satisfactory. We realize that we are not living life according to our values. That we have no values. That we are living life according to some other person's expectations, or some other similar situation or circumstance that leaves us feeling cold, dissatisfied, or out of tune with our heart, mind, and spirit.

This causes us to suffer. When we suffer, we bring suffering into the lives of those with whom we interact. It is a vicious cycle of sadness, disappointment, regret, guilt, and anger.

So. What do we do with that? How can dying practice help? Does this mean that everyone should become a monk or a nun?

Firstly, it does not mean that everyone (or most people... or even a significant number of people) should become a monk or a nun. That is not a path for the vast majority of people, and for good reason. Those of us who do have such a vocation are very much aware of it, most likely would not choose to have it, and would not willingly inflict it on others. But, if it exists, it is there whether we welcome it or not. And so, we are pushed to answer whatever burning question that drives us. For the rest of you.. if there is no question, there cannot possibly be an answer, so... why would you choose to go through the difficulties and discomforts of monastic life when there is no valid personal reason for you do so?

Perhaps many of you might benefit, however, from some form of daily spiritual practice. Whatever that translates to in your particular case. Much time is spent each day caring for your hair, teeth, fingernails, skin, clothing, belongings, dwellings, etc. With this in mind, it is mystifying to me that so few people will take the time to care for their inner self with the same level of care and attention. It is not my place to tell others what they should or should not do, or how they should live their life. But, perhaps it may be my place to simply let them know that some other path may be available in the event that they might one day decide that it is needful, or may offer some comfort or direction in their lives.

Dying practice is a temporary practice, though it does not have to be. It is only one practice of countless others. Most such practices however share many things in common. After all, they all address human lives, human concerns, human problems... and they all help us to discover human answers for our human questions. In quite a few cases, they even help us to formulate the questions to begin with.

For those people who feel that life is missing something, or is simply not satisfying. And, also, for those people for whom life is missing nothing, and is greatly satisfying.. but who are prepared to deepen their life experience, a daily spiritual practice is an appropriate and wonderful thing to incorporate into one's life.

I don't think that any such practice will give you the answers to your questions... you are always the sole party to discover answers which are relevant to your own life. Only you can inject meaning and purpose into your life, and only you can find the appropriate answers to the questions that you hold.

What a spiritual practice will do, is to help you to refine your life experience, focus your energies, maintain a sense of balance, centeredness, serenity, and tranquility.

Why is serenity, calmness or tranquility important?

My answer is that silence and calm abiding are the underlying commonality that we all share... every conscious being has, as its legacy, a simple quiet awareness that underlies everything that comes afterward; all of the facets of our 'individual personality' that overlay who and what we really and truly are.

This calm, abiding, silent awareness is the root of consciousness... of the sense of self, and of the sense of a world that is 'out there' somewhere.

We all share this. It is what we are. And we are all precisely that.

When we reconnect with it, and bring it into our daily life, we find that whatever we are called upon to face, whatever confronts us, no matter what it may be, we will do it better with a calm, clear, agile, and tranquil mind than with a mind that is disjointed, filled with strife and upset, and distracted.

In order to find out what we are, we must re-discover the silence that is at our core. This is what a spiritual practice will offer. But, that is not all that it offers; Once we have rediscovered this calm, centered, tranquil, silent aspect of our inner self, we begin to look outward once again with a clear perception of truth and authenticity.

What does this mean? What is authenticity and why does it matter?

Well.. for many, life consists of running around each and every day doing whatever is necessary to amass more and more material wealth, regardless of the cost to themselves or to others. They buy the 'things', and they expect that happiness will somehow spring from this. Each day is filled with a yearning, a desire, a hunger for 'more, bigger, better, shinier, harder, NOW!!'

But how long can this go on, realistically? How much 'stuff' must one own before happiness sets in?

I cannot deny that some level of financial viability is necessary in our life in order for us to be happy... we are physical beings with physical needs. But, how much do we REALLY need?

What I have learned is that the huge open mouth of desire can NEVER be satisfied. It doesn't matter how much you pour into it... it will always want more. So.. what can we do?

This is where a daily spiritual practice and the concept of living an authentic life comes in. This is precisely the purpose of Dying Practice. This is precisely the purpose of a monastic vocation. And, most likely this is precisely the purpose (the original untainted purpose) of any religious practice, at least before human beings, filled with these self same desires, have turned and twisted religious practice to serve their own ends.

On a personal level, however, we all need harmony and balance. We all must find our place in the world, and learn to live with all of the other beings that share the world with us without killing and hurting one another. We all want to be happy, and we all want to avoid suffering. Even an insect will run away from something that is hurting it or threatening it. It is part of our nature to do so.

In order to get someplace. Anyplace. We must have three bits of knowledge. We must know, firstly, where we are. Secondly, we must know where it is, precisely, that we wish to go. Once we know these two things, we can begin to figure out how to get from one to the other.

A spiritual practice helps us to study and learn who and what we are. To discover our own inner truth. It may offer some guideline that may help us to discover where it is that we wish to be. And, in most cases, it helps us to figure out how to negotiate the world in order to get wherever it is that we are heading.

One of the greatest benefits of such a practice, Dying Practice included, is that we sharpen our perceptions, and we habitually seek out the truth; of whatever it is that we are confronting or engaging.

Falsehood, delusion, illusion, fantasy, lies, deceit, and other assorted facets of bullshit and fuckery are confusing to us in the best case, causing us to chase our tails, waste time, and become disoriented... and in the worst case, they result in wasted, unhappy, and perhaps harmful, toxic lives that bring only pain and suffering to the one whose life it is... and to everyone and everything with whom they come into contact.

These people end up being shunned and disliked by others, rather than loved... and it only gets worse.

The truth is that we all share the same sacred underpinnings of life, and silence, and consciousness... and only compassion, tolerance, and kindness can break through and access the true nature of the person that is hidden beneath all of the layers of pain, hurt, sadness, and other afflictive emotions that have built up as a result of living an inauthentic and delusive lifestyle.

So. I have rambled on about 'authenticity' and the living of 'an authentic life'. But, what does this mean? How can you possibly live an authentic life if you aren't sure what an authentic life is comprised of? And if you were to pose such a question, it would be a fair and appropriate one.

I will list ten facets of an authentic life below, but please be aware that this is in no way a complete or exhaustive all-encompassing and 'correct' answer. We each live our own life, we are all slightly different in our definition of purpose, happiness, and many other things... and so this is a highly personal and subjective thing. This list therefore only poses a guide. A fairly accurate guide... but, a guide nonetheless. Enjoy!

1. Discover a Purpose for your life. What is your path? We mostly inject meaning into our own lives, and it is very important that we do so! Are you wandering through life with little direction – hoping that you’ll find happiness, health and prosperity? Or, hoping that it will somehow find you?! Identify your life purpose or and you will have your own unique compass that will help to keep you moving in the proper direction even when it is difficult to discern.

2. Identify your values. What do you value most? Some examples are kindness, honesty, integrity, security, freedom, family, spiritual development, learning, etc. As you set goals for your life and your immediate future – check your goals against your values. If the goal doesn’t align with any of your values – you may want to reconsider it or revise it. Every breath offers a choice - Do you act within the boundaries of your values? Or do you violate them? What are you going to do? In order to answer this question, it is important to be cognizant of what, precisely, it is that you value, and what kind of person you wish to be.

3. Identify your needs. Unmet needs can keep you from living authentically. Grandiose or unrealistic perceptions of your needs cause suffering. It is important to find a 'Middle Way' between the extreme of self-denial, and self-indulgence. Take care of yourself. Do you have a need to be acknowledged, to be right, to be in control, to be loved? Honestly determine your needs and take action to see that you are able to meet them! Take care to identify only NEEDS.. as opposed to wants, wishes, hopes, or desires. They are not the same thing.

4. Know your passion. Honor those things that make your heart sing and your spirit fly. Bring your passion into the world in whatever form it takes. Arrange your life so that you will have the time and the ability to pursue this passion. Whatever it is, do more of it!

5. Live from the inside out. Increase your awareness of your inner wisdom by regularly reflecting and contemplating in silence. Commune with nature. Breathe deeply to quiet your distracted mind. Walk gently upon the earth, and plant kisses of peace and tranquility with each step, rather than stomping around in urgency and strife. Walk in harmony and beauty each moment of each day.. and remember that you carry the seeds of this harmony and beauty within you.

6. Honor your strength. What are your positive traits? What special talents do you have? Are you imaginative, witty, good with your hands? Find ways to express your authentic self through your strengths. Each of us has untapped strengh within us. It is a matter of choosing to find it and to put it into practice. You are the one with sole responsibility for your life, and for your well being. So, no matter *what* you do; stand up straight, on your own two feet, be courageous, give it all that you have got, every time, do the best that you can, never quit, and be a lamp unto yourself. Don't believe anything that you are told, or anything that you read until you have experienced it first hand, compared it to your own personal experience and wisdom, and have lived it FIRSTHAND. Don't ever be afraid to give. This is true strength.

7. Take time to play. Give yourself time to recharge doing things you love to do or by just doing nothing. When you breathe, you must both breathe in *and* breathe out. Study your breath... try to find the exact moment when the inbreath becomes the outbreath, and vice-versa... and realize that life is a never ending stream... it doesn't wait... it won't slow down for you. So, you must take the time for play... work it into your day. You are responsible for caring for yourself and for your own happiness and well being.

8. Be aware of your self-talk. Are you blocking your potential? Choose the kind of chatter that’s goes on in your mind. Become aware of the negative messages you give yourself. Gently catch them and turn them into positive affirmations. Thoughts will arise and they will fade... incessantly.... be mindful of your thoughts and responses. Thoughts are just thoughts... like bubbles... you cannot weigh one... you cannot touch one. Watch your mind, study it, learn how it works. When you discover thoughts that are self-defeating... gently set them down and turn your thoughts in more positive directions. Repeat as necessary!

9. Surround yourself with inspiration. Keep a journal. Create an altar or other sacred space where you live, work, or play. Place things that inspire you in this place. Make it a habit to visit this spot on a daily basis and reflect upon the things that these objects symbolize. Find ways to bring this inspiration into being in your life. Do something... even if it is small. No great thing is comprised of only a great thing... but of many small and seemingly inconsequential things. Allow your inspiration to direct you and to goad you into action!

10. Serve others. When you live authentically, you may find that you develop an interconnected sense of being. When you are true to who you are, living your purpose and giving of your talents to the world around you, you give back in service what you came to share with others. Never be afraid to give. In small ways, in big ways, in any way possible. If you have nothing to give materially, give of your attention and your time. Find some small thing that you *can* do... and just do it!

How long is your life? Can you stretch it? How much time do you have left? Can you afford to not live authentically? Can you?

Conscious Living

2009-01-24T10:39:00.003-05:00

I have been working slowly through the Life-Review process over the past weeks and months. I suppose the routine has served to lull my mind into believing that this would simply go on forever.. but, as we all know; nothing lasts forever..

This past 201 days of this practice have been clearer ... and I have been much more present since I decided to undertake this practice.

Lately, fear has come crashing back... unheralded, and unprepared for.. Not so much fear of dying, but a fear of losing the relationships that I so treasure by way of dying. What I have decided to do, therefore, starting perhaps a week ago, is to continue my life review, but to play out the parting with each individual as though it is a final parting... and I will never see them again. This has resulted in spontaneous crying a couple of times... but, I am learning a little bit about calm detachment, while still feeling love. I would not say that I have mastered this... but, I can almost see where it is that I have to go in order to get there.

I have been doing everything but bending over backwards to avoid physically involving myself in the next stage of this practice. I must go through all of my personal papers, all of my belongings, everything... and discard whatever has no immediate use. I must also compile all of my personal papers into one neat package; as a courtesy to whoever must make the arrangements for me after I have died, and I must also write letters to each of my loved ones. Although I know that it is important, I have simply been avoiding it through the most stealthy and deceitful of methods.... but, it will have to stop very soon, and I will just have to get on with it.

I can say that this practice has very much increased my sense of gratitude. Living as though there will be no tomorrow enhances ones experience of everything, and the air has never been so fresh and cool... nor has the sky ever seemed so blue!! When I use any sort of article or tool, I am viscerally aware of all of the effort that went into its production, by so many different people, and how intricately all of our lives are intertwined with one another.. the drabbest and grayest of days seem to me to be a shining gift to be treasured and appreciated. And I *DO* appreciate each and every day.

I have always experienced a sympathetic joy at other people's triumphs and happiness... but never so much as now. It is a sweet cruelty that we learn to appreciate all that we have only when we come to realize that we are soon to lose it.

As this practice has unfolded over the past months, I have put less and less value on trying to feign or pretend anything... I am learning to live my life with authenticity. I don't really have the verbal capacity to properly communicate what a difference this makes.... and what a burden it is to try to 'fit in' or 'feign' something that we do not feel or experience. I would not have thought that I was one to do this, and had I been asked, I would have denied it most vociferously! However, in retrospect, I was much more pliable than I realized. Of course, this is not to say that I go about insulting people or being deliberately disagreeable.. not at all! I simply respond to life honestly, and I find that for the most part people respond to this with much more acceptance than I would have thought. As a people, we have quite a capacity to spot truth, and to spot bullshit. We know which is which, and it seems that we prefer a disagreeable truth to a comfortable load of lies, half-truths, and out-and-out bullshit. So, I am being much more straightforward with others, and, more importantly.. much more straightforward and honest with myself.

I would have thought that living with death 'just over my shoulder' would have been a frightening experience... and, in a way, it is... but no more so than it has ever been... because, after all, don't we all live in the shadow of our own death with every breath that we take? Instead, what I have learned is that to face whatever comes, whatever unfolds in my life squarely and directly, and to undertake even the most seemingly insignificant of tasks as though they are the most important undertaking of my life (.. although, at that precise moment, they are!!), I have begun to truly live in a more conscious manner. I am more present than I have ever been before. It is less important to me now to impress my importance, or even my existence upon others... and I have begun to put as much importance in the harmony of existing among other beings as I do upon my own comfort and preference.

The truth is that my situation and circumstances is absolutely no different than the situation and circumstances of every other being who is alive today. We are here, together, for as long as we remain alive... and we have no idea how long that might be.

I am feeling a yearning... and a striving... towards living an even more simple lifestyle than I do currently. To wake up... to breathe... to feel the sun on my face... the earth under my feet.... these are truly gifts to be appreciated and enjoyed!! What more does one truly need??

What do we do when it all goes pear shaped?

2008-12-15T14:59:00.003-05:00

As I progress through my life review (during the week of 03-12 December, my time-line focus is on the period between 1976 ((when I was 16 going on 17 years of age)) to 1981 ((when I was 21 going on 22 years of age)) -- Just the time period where I began to make my first forays into making major screw-ups, fouls, and failures.

The basic method of following this practice is to move through the selected time-period using the 'Gratitude practice' method... allowing situations, persons, and events play through my mind and bringing focus upon those specific factors for which I am grateful, or should be grateful, and mindfully expressing my gratitude.

In some cases, I find that I am grateful for certain turns of events that, at the time, struck me as being catastrophic. Whether this means that they were actually fortuitous at the time, and I was not skillful enough to recognize it, or whether they were in fact catastrophic and I managed to respond to them skillfully enough to garner some measure of gratitude is a question for another day, perhaps... when all is said and done, however, I am grateful for most things... and find that I am surprisingly grateful for many things that were on the face of it, not very appealing or enjoyable at the time.

In retrospect I have come to see how those painful and difficult times, places, people and events have served to shape me in sometimes surprising ways; by making me dig deeper into my spirit to find reserves of resiliency, strength, toughness, tolerance, endurance, kindness, compassion, and in most cases; acceptance.

Not enough can be said for that last, I think.. particularly in light of the fact that I am a relatively insignificant person, with not so very much power or influence, and not so very much in the way of wealth or financial solvency... who happens to live in a world where these things count for much. So. I have had to learn to accept many things that I am powerless to change. It has, I think, made me become a better person. Maybe not better than others around me... but better than I would have been otherwise. For this, if nothing else.. I am profoundly grateful. So, it seems that even when I fall, the universe has a way of embracing me.

Once the time period has been gone over using Gratitude practice, it is time to go back to the beginning and start again, but this time with the focus being on 'Forgiveness Practice'. (After forgiveness practice, we go through the time-period an additional time, using a practice called 'Open-Gate Practice' in which we move chronologically through the time period allowing whatever situations happen to come forth to do so.. and dealing with them as we see fit, or as seems appropriate... perhaps revisiting them with 'soft-belly', 'noting & observing', 'gratitude' or 'forgiveness' practice as the situation demands. In this journal entry, I want to touch on forgiveness practice for the most part.)

In this practice, call forth situations where either we have committed wrongs or made mistakes, perhaps hurting others, perhaps hurting ourselves... or both, and we also focus on situations where others have wronged us. The goal of this practice is to recognize that a wrong has been committed, to understand the ramifications and consequences that resulted, and to try to follow the chain of dependent origination back to the point where the first delusional or wrongful thoughts may have occurred, in an attempt to recognize such similar thoughts in the future (the idea being that every action is preceded by a thought... and every thought is preceded by some causal factor).

Once we have investigated the circumstances surrounding the event, we call forth the wrongdoer (whoever they happen to be) and forgive that person. By opening our heart, and opening the fist of anger and resentment, we give our spirit room to breathe, room to grow, and room to live.... and we do so by setting aside the burden of blame, remorse, hatred, anger, and all of the afflictive emotions that are associated with such burdens.

I find that it is quite difficult for me to find a way to forgive myself for whatever wrongs I have done. Particularly when my actions have resulted in harm to others... harm being mental anguish, sadness, disappointment, pain, etc.

I am able to 'mouth' the words adequately (or whatever verb is used when you are speaking within the confines of your own mind... I suppose 'mouthing' is inappropriate since the mouth is not involved... but... well.... pfwssht!) but, when it comes to actually buying into the forgiveness... I am having a very hard time.

You see... I was there when I screwed up. Each and every time. I was there when I should have been making better decisions... when I was making horrible decisions... and when I was avoiding the prospect of a decision... I know that I could have done better, and I let myself down... and although I know that it is important to be able to put these things aside, I also have some inherent resistance to self-absolution.

I imagine that if there was some method by which reparations could be made, it would be helpful... but, what if the someone who you wronged or could have treated somewhat better has since died or is no longer in contact with you? What if the situation is not something that lends itself to reparations? How do we find a way to allow ourselves off the hook for what we know was not our best day or best choice?

What I understand intellectually, if not viscerally, is that we all make mistakes. We all cause problems. We all fail to abide by the rules. We all let ourselves, and others, down at some point. Everyone does this. This is what it is to be human.

I also realize that without mistakes, we would find it very difficult, if not impossible to learn, grow, and mature. It is through stress, pain, and difficulty that we forge our spirits... chiefly because the monk who is warm and comfortable in his bed is less likely to get up and start a long day of training if an extra blanket is placed over him then if he is doused by a shockingly cold bucket of ice water!! We don't change when we are comfortable. We change when the situation becomes no longer tenable for us. So... difficulty and discomfort are part of the process... and this is so particularly when we cause the difficulty for ourselves.

It is through this very pain that we force ourselves to look inward to address whatever it is that must be addressed so that we can improve ourselves.

In so many aspects of my life, when I look back with the clear eye of hindsight, I lament to myself that I could have done *so much* better. (Naturally, I have now learned the very thing that enables me to recognize that I could have done better... but very likely would NOT have learned it had I not 'Put my foot in it' in the first place!)

So, it appears that I am torn between two mindsets... Learn from the mistakes, or, failing that, recognize them as being part of my story, for good or otherwise... resolve not to make the same or similar mistakes again... and forgive myself, setting aside the burden of guilt and moving forward with a somewhat lighter heart... perhaps thinking that the whole thing is a huge crock...

Or; Being continuously disappointed in whatever bad decisions or bone-headed mistakes that I have made, and soldier on determined not to let it happen again, but with a bleak and disappointed view of my past actions.

Neither seem quite acceptable... so I have to wonder if there is some way to simply forgive myself for making mistakes... or for not doing as well as I think I should have and moving on from here... having become a little bit wiser, hopefully.

I think that we all tend to be a bit egocentric when it comes to these situations.

As children, the sun comes up so that we can go out to play... it rains in order to prevent us from going out to play... and mommy is there solely to love us, feed us, and do all the things that moms do.

Eventually, we come to learn that we are not the center of universe (though we are, each and every one of us *AT* the center of the universe... since the universe extends infinitely in every direction from whatever point we happen to be occupying... but that has nothing much to do with my screw-ups, thankfully!!) and that we are a part of a larger society of other beings, and that our actions impact upon the lives and feelings of others, and that their actions impact upon the lives and feelings of ourselves, and our loved ones.

We all tend to harbor some belief, (mostly, I would imagine, due to our folk stories, mass media input, and socio-religious beliefs -- at least in Western society) that good things happen to good people, bad things happen to bad people, crime does not pay, the good guys always win, and they live happily ever after. But... does it work that way? WHO says so?

This is a perfect example of the gap between our EXPECTATION and LIFE AS IT IS causing us unnecessary pain and suffering.... and this is why the Buddha instructed his disciples to not automatically trust anything that was said to them, or anything that they read, even though it may have been the Buddha himself who had said it or written it!! UNTIL they had tested whatever was said or written against their own observations and their own experience and wisdom. The bottom line here being that we are each and every one of us charged with the sole responsibility for our own well being and for the awakening of our own consciousness.

We must all be a lamp unto ourselves... open our eyes, open our ears, open our minds and our hearts and investigate the world for ourselves... live life FIRST HAND and not through the eyes and ears of others. By doing this we get back in touch with life, living, and the world as it is.. just as children are in touch with the world. Everything is new, and interesting, and full of the promise of some new thing to be learned or experienced!

We have proforma conversations... not really listening to what is said by others.... we ask people how they are doing.. without in the slightest bit wanting to know how they are REALLY doing... and we look to others to answer questions that we are too lazy to ask!

Nobody can answer these questions for us... nobody can give us answers,.. and nobody can solve our problems. We must do it ourselves. We must realize that holding ourselves to some lofty and unattainable standard is not only impossible and fraught with danger and the certainty of failure to come... but also arrogant. By understanding that we are all fallible, that we all make mistakes from time to time... and that only by mutually supporting one another, caring for one another, and truly finding ways of coexisting in a peaceful and caring fashion can we hope to survive as a people for much longer. It is so easy to point the finger of blame at others... to be impatient, angry, and critical... so easy, in fact, that we begin to point the same accusatory finger at ourselves... and we begin to find ourselves wanting. We are intolerant of our own shortcomings, and forget how to love ourselves and how to love others... and this is the beginning of trouble. Because we are a social species, and we cannot do it alone. Every one of us impacts upon the lives of every other one of us. This is a very simple truth.

We make mistakes. We screw up. Things don't go as planned.

When we attach to the concept of a separate self, we immediately follow that attachment with the desire for our 'self' to be better than other selves... superior to others in thought, action, purity, and every other aspect. We are the star of our own show... and we want more, better, faster, harder, NOW.

But.. where does that get us? Run around, run around, no time, no room for others, no ability to connect, no time to listen, no time to FEEL.... and in the end, what then?

Same grave. Just as dead as every other dead person. And all that stuff just gets fought over by those that we leave behind.

This is the reality of being a human being, at least to my point of view;

I am human, with all of the strengths and weaknesses of a human. I am of the nature to grow ill, to suffer, and eventually to die. There is nothing that I can do to change or to avoid this. This is my nature.

I am human, and, being human I cannot see all ends and will often make mistakes. My mistakes will cause me pain and difficulty, and will likely cause pain and difficulty for others. There is little that I can do to avoid this from ever happening, and nothing at all to do that can change what has already happened. This is also my nature and the nature of the world in which I live.

The very best that I can do is to train and to culture my body, mind, and spirit, to the best of my ability... to allow my ego-self to settle and dissipate... and allow my 'greater' self, my 'true' self to arise. My method of doing this is to direct, concentrate, and distill my thoughts in order to achieve a calm abiding, serene, tranquil, clear and agile mind; this is important because whatever life unfolds and reveals to me (*WhatEVER life reveals!) will be better confronted by a calm and tranquil mind than by a mind that is clouded, confused, and in constant turmoil.

By doing so, I prepare a fertile ground for a better future by making calm, reasonable, sound decisions that are based upon accurate observations that are unclouded by inappropriate and unskillful emotional reactions, preconceived notions, and faulty apprehensions.

This will not guarantee that my future will be better, only that I will be better equipped to respond to whatever opportunities that may arise, if any, and better prepared to recognize opportunities for what they are and respond to them effectively. Even if no such opportunities should ever present themselves, I will still be better prepared to confront my life as it is, and will therefore have some capacity to find happiness wherever I am able, and to enjoy it to the fullest.

If I make mistakes, despite my best efforts, I can only accept responsibility for them, face whatever consequences that may follow, forgive myself for having done so... and move on to face the day. If I make mistakes having not put forth my best efforts, I can only do the same, and attempt to learn from this shortcoming.

Whatever I have done, and whatever I do *IS* my story... and this crucial.

Whatever I have done or have not done is not what I *AM*.

Every breath offers a choice.

Every moment is a new moment.

Every day that I awaken is a day. I have the power and ability to make of it what I may.

I may do nothing but good things, and bad things can still happen to me... I may do nothing but bad things and good things may still happen to me... this is not something over which I have any control... I can only exercise my judgment, and follow the moral compass that I have set for myself.

Having made my own share of mistakes and foul-ups, I can be more understanding and tolerant of the mistakes of others.

Being free of the resentments which arise from the judgments of others, and from false expectations of how life *should* be... I am better equipped to experience life JUST AS IT IS to the fullest extent possible.

So... maybe forgiveness practice isn't so much about forgiving in the sense of acquitting or letting ourselves 'off the hook' as it is about facing up to what has happened, accepting it for whatever it is.. accepting the responsibility for whatever our culpability in the situation happened to be, and then finding a way to move forward without letting past mistakes plant seeds that will only bring forth new ones... Like so many things then, forgiveness is all about learning to let go. Forgiveness is about letting go of all hope for a better past.

Sometimes we think that we are the only ones who make the mistakes that we make, think the thoughts that we think, or harbor whatever darkness we happen to harbor.. but, it isn't really like that. Every combat soldier has secretly thought himself the only coward amongst a company of brave men.

Having said this, it is also true that for some mistakes, we may face repercussions that will last the remainder of our lives, or some significant portion of it... and having learned whatever lesson that the mistake had to teach us will in no way lessen the impact of those repercussions or consequences.

The very fact of learning from the mistake or gaining some insight or wisdom may well make the situation all the more painful, difficult to bear, or poignant for us.

Well.. this is another of those things relegated to the nature of being a human being. This is karmic reaction.... karma being the results of our thoughts and actions as opposed to the somewhat misapplied definition that most westerners seem to have of karma as being some type of luck, or fate, or destiny... it is not. At least not in the sense that it is used in a Zen context. To us (Zen folks), if you throw a bucket of water straight up, and fail to move... the karmic burden that you have assumed will soon get you soaked to the skin!

Cause and effect. Pure and simple.

We all know of some person or persons who live a remarkably 'good' life and who are remarkably 'good' people but who have had many tragic, difficult, or painful events enter their lives.

Many people will react to this with anger, demanding to know how God or the universe can allow such things to happen.

I think that these things are not allowed or disallowed.. they just are.

The universe, as I have said, does not conspire.

We live our lives, and we must deal appropriately with whatever we are confronted with... that is simply the way it is.

Being good or bad has little to do with what may happen... though it is true that certain lifestyles are more likely to call 'bad' things, people, and events into our midst. Unfortunately, living a 'good' life is not an iron-clad guarantee against such things... There is some joy to be taken from living a 'good' life simply because it is a 'good' life, and not out of some sense of having struck a bargain with fate. Perhaps if we are able to avoid viewing things as inherently 'good' or 'bad' life will make more sense as it flows and offers us whatever happens to occur. When confronted with a situation, rather than label it 'good' or 'bad' and loading up our emotional rucksack with all of the adjacent feelings, judgments, and notions... what if we simply accept is as being whatever it is... and then find the true function that the moment demands and do our best to respond effectively? Easier said than done... I know. But... that's life! The better quality stuff is more expensive than the crap!

Looking back at my life through this practice, and watching this year tick past has sharpened my focus immensely.

I can see how life simply flows independent of my wants, needs, hopes, desires, and fears.

Life just..IS... I can see much more clearly that life does not necessarily respond to us and that there is often no connection between what we do and how life twists and turns seemingly in answer to what we do or fail to do. At least there is no connection that we can easily see.

However, that is not a problem that you or I can solve.

We are left to deal with the situations in which cause and effect are within the scope of our ability to influence via our thoughts and actions.

By focusing on what we *can* do to improve things rather than on what we cannot hope to do saves a great deal of time and energy, and may actually get some decent results into the bargain!

Case and effect - that is what the life review is all about, really. Good things happen, bad things happen, neutral things happen... but the universe does not conspire. Some folks have better opportunities, some have not so good opportunities... some are rich, others poor... some talented.. others less so. Most of us are somewhere in the middle... but we must all struggle with something.

So.

The question is not so much "How do I get what I don't have?" as "How do I best proceed with what I DO have?" - and this is the crux of this whole life-review process.

Whatever has happened has happened... you are where you are... you have what you have... you have lost what you have lost... and now... what are you going to do with it, and where are you headed?

In other words, what is the best possible course of action given the present set of circumstances as you perceive them? (the perfect situation NEVER comes... and it is important to constantly re-assess your perceptions; as you take in more information, or revise and process the information that is available to you, your perceptions may change... and it is equally important to always remain open to this change and to be prepared to implement it if it is needful to do so!)

As for forgiveness practice;

For those of you who feel that you have wronged me in some way... if there are any of you out there who have such feelings.. please know that I forgive you for whatever slight or wrongdoing you may have perpetrated against me. I wish you only the best, and I profoundly hope that you will set the burden of guilt aside and move forward with a lighter and perhaps more tolerant heart. What is done is done, and today is a new day.

For those of you that I have wronged, whether you are still upon this world or have moved on to some other plane of existence: You may have forgotten whatever I have done.. or you may never forget whatever I have done... but I am very, very sorry for having done so, whether my wrongdoing was large or small, unintentional or deliberate, or due to my own ignorance.

Please know that I am working tirelessly to better my understanding and to improve my abilities to confront life and to engage others.

Though I would very much wish to undo whatever unskillful and hurtful thoughts or actions I have done in the past, which have had an impact either upon you, or upon others... it is not within my power to do so.

Though it may not be acceptable to you, I offer my most profound apologies and hope that whatever pain I have caused through deliberate actions, negligence, inconsideration, weakness or incompetence has either passed quickly or has helped to make you a stronger and better person as other pains have served to strengthen me.

Lastly, though I have no right to ask it of you, or to expect it, I wholeheartedly hope that you will find it in your heart to forgive me so that I may put this burden aside.

I will do whatever I am capable of doing to take wisdom from the experience of having wronged you, and to use that wisdom to do whatever good I am able to do to constantly enrich the lives of those around me. I thank you for being my teacher in this respect, more so for perhaps having had this role inflicted upon you against your will.

With palms joined in peace, love and humility...

Pratītyasamutpāda & The U.S. BIll of Rights

2008-11-21T08:07:00.016-05:00

When this is, that is.
From the arising of this comes the arising of that.
When this isn't, that isn't.
From the cessation of this comes the cessation of that.

I called a very close personal friend yesterday afternoon. We have known each other for many, many years, have served together, laughed together, trained together, and cried together. We have gotten into trouble together, and we have alternately gotten one another into various types of trouble (deliberately!). Each of us has rendered the other unconscious, drawn one another's blood, broken or sprained one another's limbs, and carried the other when it became necessary.

We have alternately watched one another build lives and careers.. and have watched as those same lives and careers came crumbling down. We have shared some of the most intellectually stimulating conversations that I have ever taken part in, and we share a connection that few people ever share. We give of ourselves, unquestioningly... and our friendship is deep and abiding. Somewhere within the first 15 seconds of knowing one another, we forged a brotherhood that has never wavered in over 20 years.

As they usually are wont to do, our conversation wandered over various and sundry topics... with each of us taking turns pouncing upon the other in mid-sentence and hijacking the conversation.

We discussed our feelings about the law and the constitution, the rights of gays and same-sex unions (neither of us are gay, and I would not say that either of us would be described as 'gay rights activists' - I *would* however be quite accurate in stating that we are both HUMAN rights supporters... and we both derive the same meaning from the rather unambiguous words of the American Declaration of Independence when it says, "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness." and, "Article I. All men are born free and equal, and have certain natural, essential, and unalienable rights; among which may be reckoned the right of enjoying and defending their lives and liberties; that of acquiring, possessing, and protecting property; in fine, that of seeking and obtaining their safety and happiness."

We discussed the U.S. Constitution as it applies to this issue, specifically the Bill of Rights, and, recognizing that the principle reasons that have been cited for preventing same-sex couples from enjoying the benefit or marriage or civil union (i.e., the ability to make decisions regarding the partner's health care in the event of serious illness... funeral arrangements in the event of one of the partners deaths, the disposition of personal property, insurance coverage, etc., - benefits that the majority of people in this country quite take for granted!) are primarily based in religiosity.

Well.

This is a problem to my way of thinking, and also to my friend's, judging from his comments during our conversation. You see.. we have both served to protect that very same constitution. Both have shed sweat, and blood to protect it. Both have made considerable sacrifice to protect it... as have many other men and women who served before us, after us, or alongside us.

Simply because I do not share the lifestyle choices, opinions, or proclivities of my fellow human beings does NOT mean that I have free reign to impinge upon the rights that have been granted to others by the very documents and ideas upon which this country was founded and built.

Folks, it is simply wrong.

The Bill of Rights also prohibits Congress from making any law respecting establishment of religion and prohibits the federal government from depriving any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law. Since we do not allow a State Religion to exist, the inference is that this due process should take place absent the influence of religious doctrine. This is a fundamental right due to every human being under the First & Fourteenth Amendments of the United States Constitution!

Now, clearly, it is difficult to separate one's religious thinking from one's secular thinking... the brain doesn't work that way. However, it takes no stretch of the intellect to understand that we are talking about fundamental rights that are owed to fellow human beings - REGARDLESS of whether we happen to agree with the way they choose to live their life.

What is most mystifying to me is that we are discussing the prospect of allowing or disallowing one human being to LOVE another human being!! The very idea of making even a half-hearted attempt to dissuade one person from loving another person is simply too perverse for me to seriously entertain, and I am saddened and appalled.

We live in a supposedly enlightened day and age, folks... it is time to open up the hand of fear and anger... the fist of control.... and let go of this notional and pre-conceived mode of thinking.

We are all born into this world as equals, and there is not one among us with some divine right to make choices or rule over any other one of us. The very idea supposedly went by the wayside in the 18th century... so, perhaps it is time to buy a new calendar, huh?

You cannot simply pick and choose who is worthy of fair treatment and who is not.

Now, I am sure that my comments and opinions will anger and incense some of those who will read this...

I assure you that I am not trying to be deliberately inflammatory.

I know that in many cases, the religious upbringing of a person will make it extremely difficult for them to accept ways of thinking which extend beyond the boundaries of their upbringing.

My words are not meant to foment oppositional behavior... they are intended to spark thinking that I sincerely hope will enable some who will stop and consider... and perhaps open their heart... and realize that hurting other people is simply wrong... no matter the authority that condones it... and that they will extend a hand and accept even those people who are so different in their beliefs, appearance, lifestyle, and demeanor as brothers and sisters.

We are all in this belly-button together. One wrong sparks another wrong... eye for an eye & tooth for a tooth.... and pretty soon the whole bloody world is blind and toothless.

I have a countdown on the right side of this page... well, newsflash... you have one too! You might not be able to see it, and you might not be able to read exactly how much time you have left to live in this world... but, the countdown is steadily ticking away. We are all dying.

We all have less time to live right now than when we started to read this very sentence.

Is anything really so important that it is worth diminishing the quality of life of a fellow human being?

Can we not just STOP THAT!!.. once we realize the harm that it causes?

I both think and fervently hope that we can.

(I am absolutely not taking a 'holier than thou' stance here, by the way. It is not as though I have never made mistakes, or have never done wrong - either through negligence, knowlingly, or deliberately... I most certainly have. Guilty on all counts! What I have also done, however, was to accept my wrongdoing, face it squarely, learn from having done so.. and desisted. Over the years, I have become a nicer, more loving, gentler, and, I hope, kinder person. It isn't all that hard. Most importantly, it is better for all of us!)

People just want to live their lives, for the most part. They want to love those whom they love. They want that love to be publicly recognized. This is a very simple and easy to understand concept. The sky will not fall if they are allowed to do what is their RIGHT! I am groping for some idea of how one person loving and caring for another person can be harmful in some way to any other human being... but it just isn't coming to me....

People have tried to tell me that what gay couples do isn't right... that it is in some way unnatural... well, I have a hard time with that.

Look at the animal world and you will find that in nearly every case any and all types of sexual behavior can be found. This ability that we have been born with to engage in not only sexual behavior, but all types of affectionate and playful behavior is a form of expressing our love for one another in a playful and intimate fashion.

In a human context, this is a private occurrence which takes part out of sight of the general public. It is simply irrelevant with respect to how we should view or judge one another. What possible difference can this make? Sex should be like baby pigeons, I think... I *know* they have to be out there... but I have never personally seen one. It simply doesn't affect me in any way, and it certainly isn't an acceptable reason for me to discriminate or otherwise mistreat other people, *that* much I am certain of.

While it is true that inappropriate behavior, whether it is sexual or otherwise, can and does cause suffering, I think that it is equally true that when discussing a moral compass, however, you cannot force your own beliefs upon other people who are acting within the bounds of the law. To do so is to do some degree of violence or to practice some form of aggression upon others.

In creating and enforcing such laws... it it extremely important that they be fair, just, and also that they do not force any specific group or individual's personal religious belief system upon others. Each person has a right to live their life as they see fit. As they say; "It's a free country". That means for every single last one of us. Period.

I personally believe that a spiritual practice and belief are extremely important. I myself follow a relatively narrow path insomuch as my actions are concerned. Particularly within the past 8 or 9 years and continuing... however, I also recognize that a religious path or belief system is a very personal thing, and the decision to adhere to such a belief system, or to choose NOT to adhere to such a belief system is also a very personal thing; and both of those choices are protected rights under the U.S. Constitution.. so, if you live in this country, at any rate, this is the law, and the law of the land is the law... plain and simple.

Do I want to know what gay couples are doing behind closed doors?? Do I want to know what nearly any of my friends and family are doing with their significant others behind closed doors? is it ANY of my business??

After the conversation between my friend and myself meandered over this issue of same-sex marriage, and all of the implications... we began to discuss anger, hostility, and all of the other afflictive emotions which arise when confronting such things as injustice, unfairness, and the exercise of oppressive control over us... or the mere attempt at such.

We each shared our personal views, and we offered one another helpful components of our individual spiritual practices (He being a Vedic Priest, and I being a Zen Buddhist Monk... our lives have led (creepily) similar but slightly divergent paths..)

What I would like to offer here now... for anyone who may find it helpful, is the concept that what we do that may cause harm to another being, whether that being is great or small, or whether that harm is grievous or slight.. also causes harm to ourselves, and to every other being who shares this existence with us. (Including those we most love...).

This harm may be something as seemingly passive as looking the other way when someone else is being treated cruelly, inhumanely, or unjustly. By not deciding to take appropriate action when action is dictated by the circumstances, we, by default, are deciding not to take action. In this case, action may be defined as simply as monitoring our own thoughts and feelings, testing them according to our beliefs and our observations, and adjusting whatever must be adjusted to reflect reality when viewed with tolerance, care, compassion, and loving-kindness for our fellow sentient beings.

We are *all* connected.... we all share in the same interbeing, the same 'true nature'. We truly and really are one... we simply cannot escape the impenetrability of our lives and existences with one another and with our environment.. it is a bloody great web of connection, and not a single one of us can see all ends and predict how our actions might impact upon everyone or everything else... but, we should try to do our best to do as little harm as possible, in my opinion.

In this respect, therefore, it is vitally important that we look closely at our responses to such afflictive emotions as fear and anger, and to the impact that our response may have on the lives of others... whether that response is individual, or collective. In either case, we are responsible for our thoughts, and for actions which stem from those thoughts... just a gentle reminder.

So, in support of this concept, I am offering the following somewhat simplified Buddhist teaching in hopes that it may help you with your own daily spiritual practice;

Dependent origination (Pratītyasamutpāda): often translated as "dependent arising," is an important part of Buddhist metaphysics. Common to all schools of Buddhism, it states that phenomena arise together in a mutually interdependent web of cause and effect. It is variously rendered into English as "dependent origination", "conditioned genesis", "dependent co-arising", "interdependent arising", or "contingency".

The enlightenment (or bodhi, a word that means "to awaken") of the Buddha was simultaneously his liberation from suffering (dukkha) and his insight into the nature of the universe – particularly the nature of the lives of sentient beings (principally humans and animals). What the Buddha awakened to was the truth of dependent origination.

This is the understanding that any phenomenon exists only because of the existence of other phenomena in an incredibly complex web of cause and effect covering time past, time present and time future. This concept of a web is symbolized by Indra's net, a multidimensional spider's web on which lies an infinite amount of dew drops or jewels, and in these are reflected the reflections of all the other drops of dew ad infinitum.

Stated in another way, everything depends on everything else. A human being's existence in any given moment is dependent on the condition of everything else in the world at that moment, but in an equally significant way, the condition of everything in the world in that moment depends conversely on the character and condition of that human being. Everything in the universe is interconnected through the web of cause and effect such that the whole and the parts are mutually interdependent. The character and condition of entities at any given time are intimately connected with the character and condition of all other entities that superficially may appear to be unconnected or unrelated.

Because all things are thus conditioned and transient (anicca), they have no real independent identity (anatta) and thus do not truly exist, though to ordinary minds this appears to be the case. All phenomena are therefore fundamentally insubstantial and empty (sunya).

Wise human beings, those who "see things as they are" (yatha-bhuta-ñana-dassana), renounce attachment and clinging, transform the energy of desire into awareness and understanding, and eventually transcend the conditioned realm of form becoming Buddhas or Arhats*.

* Arhat: In the sramanic traditions of ancient India (most notably those of Mahavira and Gautama Buddha) arhat (Sanskrit) or arahant (Pali) signified a spiritual practitioner who had—to use an expression common in the tipitaka—"laid down the burden"—and realized the goal of nirvana, the culmination of the spiritual life (brahmacarya). Such a person, having removed all causes for future becoming, is not reborn after biological death into any samsaric realm. The word "arahan" literally means "worthy one"[1] (an alternative folk etymology is "foe-destroyer" or "vanquisher of enemies"[2]) and constitutes the highest grade of noble person—ariya-puggala—described by the Buddha as recorded in the Pali canon. The word was used (as it is today in the liturgy of Theravada Buddhism) as an epithet of the Buddha himself as well as of his enlightened disciples. -- We don't really use this term in a Zen context... but, I thought it might be relevant to this teaching. Naturally, any error is mine and mine alone, I take full responsibility, etc., and the usual disclaimer applies: Individual mileage may vary, blah, blah, blah.....

With palms joined....

Getting Down to It.

2008-11-08T10:31:00.010-05:00

The past month has presented me with some of the most difficult moments of my year long experiment thus far. As it sometimes seems to happen with such things, life has curiously contrived to present me with some rather daunting difficulties to go along with all of the memories and incidents that my practice has uncovered and stirred up!

Here is a question; What do we do, as humans, when we are confronted with such painful and difficult situations in life?

Clearly, there is no way to avoid such things. Pain and suffering are part of our lot in life. We are of the nature to experience these things from time to time... and, naturally, at some point we are destined to grow ill, to become weak, to suffer... and, eventually, to die. This is not something that can be avoided.

Many people, particularly in western culture, go to some rather shocking lengths to remove all trace of this possibility from our daily lives. We no longer witness the slaughter of livestock that ultimately end up on our dinner plate. Instead, those who eat meat can obtain their dinner neatly packaged in cellophane & Styrofoam with hardly a trace remaining of the pain & suffering caused by the killing and butchering of the creature that now sits placidly on our dinner plate. Every last ounce of responsibility has been neatly swept under the proverbial rug.

We rarely verbalize death when it comes to our loved ones, opting instead for pithy euphemisms such as, "He (or She) passed away....", "Moved on...", "Went to heaven...", "Expired" (!! like a discount offer?), "Met his end..", "Was taken", "Resigned...", "Surrendered..", "Departed..", "Yielded up the ghost...", "Went the way of all flesh..".

Death has become the ultimate taboo... don't think about it... don't talk about it. And yet, it is one of the things that every single one of us holds in common; the inevitability of our death.

It strikes me as a bit, ah... "Ostrichy" to refrain from facing it and calling it what it is. What is wrong with saying that so and so DIED?? Why do we have to stretch it and pull it and put all of the lipstick on this pig that shall remain a pig regardless of what we try to do to disguise it!?!?

What is next? "404 ERROR - Pulse Not Found"??

Look.. no matter how fast we run, we cannot run fast enough to escape death. We carry the seeds of our own death within us.... along with most of the problems, pains, sufferings, and heartaches that we will ever experience. The good news is that we also carry the solutions, joys, happiness, and triumphs... or at least the potential for each.

As I face my days of late, I am confronted with problems... problems are good; By learning to face them squarely, to push our envelope farther and farther until we find viable solutions to the problems that confront us, we improve, we learn, we mature... we become stronger and we push our roots deeper and deeper into the earth. At the same time, we learn to be more flexible... to open the fist of force, arrogance, anger, fear, and all of the other afflictive emotions that often plague us, and to allow ourselves the vast and limitless growing room of the accommodating and loving heart. Only by learning to let go will we ever be able to hold on.

As I sit in meditation, working on my life review, I am uncovering some of the most painful memories that I possess.

These are memories that I have long pushed down into the farthest recesses of my mind... covered over with the detritus of time... shut the door upon and turned away from. It is peculiar to me that I now find myself digging down to uncover and expose all of this stuff and bring it out into the light of my attention and focus.

Somewhat surprisingly, these memories have not dimmed at all in their ability to cut, to sting, and to wound. I now realize, however, that only by actually accepting and feeling these feelings - completely and honestly - do I have any hope of ever exorcising them... or, failing that, ultimately accepting them just as they are, and then setting them aside and moving on to whatever happens to come next.

I don't need these memories, really, but, I cannot un-remember them.

This much I have learned.

The only alternative, really, is to open my arms to them... accept them... accept that they are a part of me... and, with some practice and skill... love them. This is really the only alternative that seems to be within the scope of my abilities. It isn't easy... but nothing that is worth anything ever is.

This process of accepting the facets of ourselves that we would prefer to forget isn't really so different from embracing death, is it? We don't like it... but it wont go away.. so, we live in fear, reacting and allowing the resulting afflictive emotions to guide us... and in the long run creating more pain and suffering for ourselves and for those around us.

Or, we stop, turn, and face this impending death. Recognize it for what it is. Accept that it cannot be avoided. Accept that it may claim us at any moment... for death is the ultimate 'Equal Opportunity Employer' - death has no respect for age, position, wealth... it cannot be bargained with..cannot be intimidated... and cannot be bought off. Death is coming, and we are absolutely and completely powerless to stop it. But, we are not powerless to accept it, and to love that part of our nature that we call death. And once we have learned to do this... we lose our fear of living.

By embracing death, and by thereby embracing life, we strike off our shackles, cut away the strictures, and allow ourselves, at last... to breathe... and to live. Rather than run, we stand. Rather than react, we respond. Rather than causing pain and suffering through needless (and useless) avoidance and aversive behaviors, we bring about healing and acceptance.

I don't like every part of my past. I don't like every part of myself. I don't like everything that has happened to me, and I don't like everything that I have done.

So what? What can I do about that?

If I continue to hide, to run, to avoid... it is like telling a lie. One lie necessitates the telling of another to support it... and soon, they exponentially increase until we find ourselves so tangled up in our own deceits that we are rendered immobile. Immobility = death; and so... by attempting to run from it... we have instead run directly towards it.. and perhaps quicker than would have otherwise occurred. And let me ask you; Is there much in this world that less pathetic than a life that is nothing more than a day to day living death??

What has happened, has happened... what we can do about it is to simply recognize it for what it is... and figure out the very best response available to us given the circumstances; whatever they happen to be. The perfect situation never comes. The perfect time never arrives. At least not in the sense that most people conceive of it. The truth is that the perfect time and circumstance is never NOT present... it is ALWAYS the perfect time.

How we approach the present moment dictates how the present moment will unfold. Our ability to respond to the moment is entirely up to us. If we allow ourselves to be blinded, shackled, and crippled by old baggage, notional thinking, pre-conceived notions, groundless fears, biases, prejudices, hatreds, and aversions; We are already dead.. already the victim of each and every one of our fears... and simply walking in a gray, tasteless, featureless nightmare ... a parody of a life.

I am beginning to learn that I am not actually "anything". I am completely and utterly empty.

STOP. Before you process those last two sentences, I want you to go back, read them again, but this time use the following definitions;

Anything= stagnated into a pre-existing list of qualities, conditions, traits, opinions, and actions.

Empty= devoid of pre-conceived attributes - completely open to all potentialities - accepting, open, attentive.

When I have conceived of myself in the past, I have often created a view of myself that I held somewhat dear and close to my heart. I was "this" kind of person, but not "that". I wore "these" kinds of clothes, but not "those". I am such and such and so and so, and this what I am. It was like painting a picture of myself; in essence, living life one-step removed, rather than living it firsthand. I have come to realize that all of these notions are simply my own creations... they are mental formations, and nothing more. In truth, I am none of that. I am not particularly honorable nor dishonorable, truthful nor deceitful, nice nor nasty, kind nor unkind... not in the sense that it is a concrete, unchanging reality.

What I am is what I choose with each unfolding moment... and with how I respond and act according to those choices. Nothing more. Nothing less. I don't have some narrow path that I must follow because I am 'such and such' or a particular 'kind' or 'class' of person. I am what I am when I act in a certain fashion. Period.

When I embrace a loved one... fully and completely... giving every last ounce of my being into that embrace... God is present in that 'God function' of loving and giving. This is what I have learned.

I feared this life-review, I feared standing up to my own judgment... my own opinions.. my own distastes. I did not want to hold up past thoughts, past actions, past circumstances to the harsh light of my own hindsight. But, you know what? We have to make both good and bad choices in life... and we have to live with the consequences of each.

A Rabbi friend of mine once told me that Jewish people are taught to give thanks for blessings before they have received them, because it is quite likely that they will not be able to recognize them when they arrive, as they often come cloaked in the guise of a curse!! Imagine that!! There is wisdom in that, I think... and it is pertinent to my life review. Why? Well, it is quite easy for me to sit and look back over my life, my choices, my mistakes, and even the willful harmful actions that I have perpetuated with a clear eye and pronounce them as 'wrong', and thereby condemning myself to being 'bad' or at least wanting in some way... However, each action that I have ever chosen was chosen in a particular frame of mind, at a particular time, and in a particular set of circumstances.... often, the decision point at which some incident or action could have been avoided was missed simply because I had not yet developed the coping skills or the ability to recognize it by having had the painful or difficult experience. And that is the key. We learn through our own mistakes. We learn (hopefully) through the mistakes of others.

Mistakes are gifts, in a way. They help us to fine-tune ourselves... they teach us... they help us to become better people.

I am slowly developing the ability to let go of these burdens. And I am beginning to teach myself to open both my eyes, and my heart.

Problems will come... difficulties will come... that isn't what is important.

What I choose to do when I am confronted with these situations is, however... and as I allow my heart to open, and as I learn to let go and give myself entirely into whatever situation arises, I am finding that I am better equipped to keep my legs under me, my feet upon the ground, my spirit in balance, and I am therefore able to step forward with confidence into whatever my life has in store for me.

My life review is not yet over... but it has already taught me a great deal about what I am, and what I am not.... and what I have learned is that I am not anything that I thought I was. I simply am... and I continue to be... I am like a work of art; I can never be finished really...

... only abandoned.

That isn't a part of my plan.

Life Review - The First Ten Years

2008-10-12T09:34:00.007-04:00

The Life Review Practice has been more difficult in some ways, and more easy in other ways than I had expected. Expectations are rarely in synch with reality, I think....

I have slowly been working through the first years of my life... By Friday, the 17th, I will have reached age 10.

Thus far, therefore... I have mostly been working with years that I have no independent recollection of whatsoever, or years in which I have been essentially innocent in all of my thoughts and actions...

Soon, however, I will be entering into some of the more difficult years; I think that this is probably true for most of us... and I will be doing my best to squarely face the truth of my life, my thoughts, my experiences, my actions... and my life.

I think that perhaps it is our secrets, more so than nearly any other facet of our inner lives, that separates us from those around us and makes us feel lonely and isolated.

Rooting these secrets out, gently opening them and holding them under the light of truth and reason, then, is my primary goal.

It doesn't really matter who we are.. we all harbor these secrets... naturally, one person's secrets will differ greatly from another's, but, secrets in and of themselves serve to have much the same effect on our heart.

It is curious to me to see how I alternately see myself in glowing terms, or, alternately, in gritty, stark terms. Neither of them is an accurate depiction.. both being a construct of sorts... holding a small piece of the truth... but not the whole truth. This is what we do! We take puzzle pieces and snapshots, and with that small facet of the overall reality, we take some wild leap to a conclusion that we have produced, and hold onto it with frantic obstinacy!

It is my hope that I will be able to smooth out the wrinkles, open my eyes, my mind, and, ultimately; my heart... and accept myself completely... just as I am.

It seems that we are harsh to others in our judgments and in our assessments... it is very easy to point out and emphasize the faults and shortcomings of others. Nobody is capable of living up to the expectations and hopes of any other person. We have, as a society... at least here in the U.S., become intolerant of one another, callous, unfeeling, and dismissive of one another. When I watch people, I notice a dismaying penchant for listening to nearly four words of any sentence or comment, and immediately either filling in the rest with what we expect to hear, or, alternately; tuning out whatever wont fit into our pre-formed expectation. As a people, we have lost the art of 'caring' for one another. It isn't considered unacceptable any longer to hurt someone else's feelings, or to be in some way negligent or rude to other people.

Unfortunately, as humans, we tend to be much, much harsher when judging ourselves even than we are to others. As it turns out, we have become disenchanted with our own inability to meet the expectations and hopes that we have formed for ourselves.

We live in a culture where everything seems possible, everything can be attained 'now', and the common and mundane facets of our lives are no longer noticed.. never mind appreciated. Just being a good person counts for nothing! We set our sights high, and then, when we are unable to attain our own lofty goals, we beat on ourselves, berate ourselves and, ultimately, begin to lose the sense of inherent sacredness or worth that we all possess. This is our inheritance, and our right... yet... we drop it to the ground, and we spit upon it and tread it underfoot... to leave it lying, soiled... in the mud and muck and other detritus of broken lives and lost dreams.

This is doing terrible violence to ourselves... and to everyone around us. It is a toxin that we spread to one another... and we are dying.

It seems to me that the only worth that a person has in this world is the material wealth that others may be capable of prising or coaxing away from him by some means. Why is it so that a person is not valuable simply because they are alive?

I am sure that many will judge my words as overly harsh... I don't think they are; One simply has to look at recent events to see precisely what I see; New Orleans circa Hurricane Katrina, Rwanda, Darfur, Iraq, the workplace... nearly any public place. We no longer have time for one another... and we no longer have time for ourselves. The most important thing is the acquisition of more and more wealth... and, sadly, in some cases this drive is forced upon us by rising costs and stagnated, diminished, or lost wages. We frantically run over one another in our need to keep ourselves and our families housed, fed and clothed.

So.. what can I do about this, and what has it got to do with the Life Review Process or Dying Practice?

Quite a bit, actually...

Firstly, Dying Practice is serving, at least for me, to underscore the very real inevitability of my own impending death. It is coming... much more quickly than I would like to admit... and there is not a single thing that I can do to avoid it. And, most importantly, when that moment (that will last what? A minute? A fraction of a second? A half hour at most?!) comes and I *do* die... everything that is so bloody important... the money, the working, the schedules, the expectations, the hopes, the dreams, everything... ALL of it... will be rendered instantly and totally meaningless.

I will be still... but the world will continue to move onward... and my passing will not make a bit of difference to anything... save for the few folks who happen to love me.

According to my countdown, I have perhaps 8 months and just over 3 weeks left to live... according the THE countdown, I may have more time... or less... but, it is passing just as quickly, isn't it? And the time WILL come. And I WILL die. And all of this stuff will be unimportant.

I have this image of myself as being 'this' kind of person... but not 'that' kind of person. I am a person who ".....", but not a person who ".......". But, what I am learning through this life review practice (although I am working on the early years of my life... it is true that other times and situations creep in on me... and, when they do, I let them unfold, and then gently return to my focus time period...) is that I am not so easily pigeon-holed or classified. As it turns out, when I look at myself with brutal honesty, I am much, much more than I generally suppose myself to be... and, simultaneously (and paradoxically, I should add..), I am also much, much less.

I find that I have a tendency to view myself as being whatever happens to be the most appropriate parts and components of myself/my personality that serves to fit the moment and the view that I have already decided to hold. So, I manage to quickly rummage through my memories and my psyche, selecting the bits and bobs of my personality that best fit whatever point I wish to make (either to myself.. or to others... it doesn't matter), and I quickly kludge these disparate parts together to form some composite image of myself that suits me in that moment.... so.. I have become this sad little shadow box, or collage of a person....

What I am trying to do is to scrub away all of the crap, falsehood, and prejudice that has built up over the years to occlude my own ability to view myself, like greasy filmy crud on a window... so that I might catch at least one totally honest and accurate glimpse of what, and who, I truly am...

My current intellectual view is that I am more of a stream of thoughts, choices and actions... and less of a static, ossified being. Every breath brings a choice... every moment is new... NOW is new... and I am not quite the same me that I was a moment ago... much like a candle that burns all night long; it isn't the same flame all night, because it burns different fuel, and uses different oxygen ... however, it isn't the same candle flame either... it is the same/different candle flame... an illusion of continuity... like a motion picture... a series of snapshots that appear to be a continuous, evolving reality....

Most of what I view myself to be is most likely false and inauthentic to some degree.. though some of it is not. I have surprised myself a few times by really and truly looking inward through this practice. Sometimes it is clear that there was some moment when I basically decided that I was LIKE THIS... and I immediately and ever afterward went about conforming myself to that view... sort of like trying to blow up a balloon inside of a milk carton... no room to grow.

Maybe, if I am able to strip off the masks... (yes maskS... because there are multitudes of them, one over the other.... placed there each one, over the years, by my own unskillful apprehension of the truth, and my inability to allow myself to be what and who I am... or to become that person in favor of meeting some expectation that was held by others, or by myself), I may be able to pick up whatever authentic scraps of myself that are left and allow them to flourish. To some extent, this process has been occurring naturally, both as a part of this specific Dying Practice, and also as a part of my greater monastic practice. As with many such things that we choose to undertake in life, it seems to me from where I now stand that I will never progress far enough for any of it to make much of a difference in a real, concrete sense... but, this may be an unskillful view in and of itself; so I will simply continue with my practice... viewing it as journey, and not as a destination... and understanding that, most likely, there *is no* final, ultimate destination... I am always arriving in some sense of the word.

One hope that I still harbor is that this process will, in some mysterious and unforeseen manner, lead me to find some meaningful vocation or employment in which I can (at long last) be content and happy, perhaps even be passionate about, which simultaneously affords me the opportunity to meet my financial responsibilities, and perhaps even manage to put something away for the future. Currently, it seems that I simply move from one low-paying, fruitless, droning job to another.... like a lurching, shambling, animated yet lifeless zombie from a cut-rate "I got a camcorder and a few free hours on Saturday.. let's make a movie!!" movie, enduring rather than enjoying what turns out to be a bloody great chunk of time that is used up doing somebody else's ultimately meaningless dirty work for some pittance that I cannot manage to survive on... time that I cannot retrieve, ever... time that I am forced to be away from those aspects of my life that *are* important... time that is, in a sense, completely wasted....

Time that is becoming increasingly precious to me given the focus of my practice.

So... this is my journal entry for these past few weeks... it has been relatively uneventful up to now, but since I am fast approaching the period in my life review where I am working with the years where I begin to be somewhat more antonymous; having my own thoughts, making my own choices, and facing the consequences... the practice will most likely deepen and produce a bit more in the way of interesting material for my journal entries.

Looking back.. looking forward

2008-09-14T09:37:00.004-04:00

Up until this point, my Dying Practice has consisted mainly of Soft-Belly Practice, and Observing and Noticing Practice. To briefly recap what these practices involved:

Soft-Belly Practice is a type of "Opening Practice" whereby we attempt to make room in the body and mind for our 'whole life'. The point of the physical "Soft-Belly" is to create a physical trigger to assist us in letting go. This softening melts the 'armor' that we have created over the course of our lifetime up to this point through whatever afflictive emotions or unskillful habits we may have developed.

Observing and Noting (Or Noticing) Practice is a form of "Labeling Practice" - Labeling or Noticing is simply a method of developing self-awareness.. what we in the Zen Community refer to as 'Mindfulness'. We are attempting to train ourselves to notice various mental and/or physical states and body patterns of mental states (the body patterns help to cue us in regarding what is transpiring within the confines of our mind.. which may be much more difficult to detect, and the shifts that occur between them, such as Open (minded) to Closed/Closed to Open, Liking/Disliking, Desiring/Averting.

The point of both of these practices is to assist us in gaining the skills and habits to further our overall 'Dying Practice' goals:

Some of these (and these may be extremely personal, and, thus, different to some degree for each practitioner). My goals are as follows:

Practice Dying (as opposed to 'Death' - Dying is a process... Death is a state... and will take care of itself)
Investigate the dread of, and resistance to, life & death
To comlete my 'birth' before it is over! (Birth being a constant process of development and growth into a spiritually mature being.
To investigate that part of myself that refuses to take birth fully, and which hops about as though it still had one foot in the womb
To enter the healing process
To place both of my feet upon the ground at last
To live with mercy and awareness in the midst of the consequences or love... or the lack thereof
To explore this ground; this "ground of being", out of which this impermanent body and ever-changing mind originate
To cut through a lifetime of confusion and forgetfulness
To undertake a life review with gratitude and forgiveness
To explore that which holds to its suffering, and to cultivate a heart that cannot be distracted - even by death

The process of this practice is:

Open to pain, discomfort, illness, fear. Observe grief, self-pity, helplessness and other afflictive emotions that are attracted by discomfort and pain.
Learn to respond to discomfort rather than simply (and mindlessly) react to it.
Rather than meeting pain with fear - meet it with love - develop compassion. Do not try to escape from the pain. Open to the sensations at the very point of their origin - soften in to awareness that embraces rather than disclaims.
Break the implanting!
Experience the personal in its Universal aspect.
Learn and internalize the fact that survival is overrated. Learn to remember only one life-one death (this one!)
Make a commitment to live through; awareness, being profoundly alive, taking responsibility for being alive, recognizing that it is the the ability to respond instead of of the compulsion to react, living life 'first hand' - and breaking the dreamlike quality of a half-attended life.

So: The One-Year life exploration begins by remembering that we are life itself unfolding as thought, as feeling, and as evolution.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, Up until this point, my Dying Practice has consisted mainly of Soft-Belly Practice, and Observing and Noticing Practice.

Tomorrow begins the Life Review Practice process.

This practice essentially will involve a process of mentally reviewing my life as it has transpired thus far and inviting myself to resolve those issues which may be in need of resolution, chiefly by forgiving those individuals (including myself... in most cases, myself) who have caused me pain and suffering in the past and putting the resentment aside in order to create a 'clean slate' - a platform from which I may eventually embark upon the next phase of my life without the emotional burden of guilt, resentment, hatred, etc.

My plan for going through this process is to begin as early in my life as I am capable of remembering, and reviewing approximately five years per each (approximately) three-week period. During the 'off-time' - time not actually spent in meditation, I will use photos, letters, or any other memorabilia to help to assist my recall of the time period that I am reviewing.

This mental process will be a visualization of encountering the situation and the individual who is involved, and engaging in dialog with that person... even if it is a past version of myself (i.e., 10 year old Bunan, or 25 year old Bunan.. etc.). I will start with those persons and circumstances that caused the least amount of pain to me... essentially working from easy to more difficult. I imagine that some circumstances or persons may take multiple encounters, and that during the process my mind may 'jump' forward or backwards through time as certain situations move to the forefront of my awareness. I do not plan to try to discourage this from occurring, but will allow a certain amount of free-association to occur, gently pulling my focus back to the time period that I am currently working on when it seems most appropriate to do so.

This process also involves physically purging unnecessary clutter, belongings and habits (a good match since I am doing precisely the same thing emotionally and mentally!).

The first step will be to create a personal inventory - listing persons, items, or circumstances of interest, or which I feel requires my attention. Naturally, this list may grow or shrink depending upon my memory, or how the process flows. The persons of interest will be persons who I have placed burdens upon, or who I have hurt in some way, and persons who have injured or wronged me (or who I have perceived to have done so). The circumstances would be any type of unfinished business at all.

The Life-Review then, is basically a form of Forgiveness practice. In many cases, the issues cannot be resolved due to loss of contact, untenable differences, or what have you... in this process, the main concern is with what is going on internally - i.e., my feelings, and my reactions/responses to those people, or to those circumstances.

Not all of the Life Review will involve negative situations... those memories that bring happiness and contentment will also be addressed, as will those persons who gave me love and joy.

I will oscillate between three basic types of practice. Forgiveness, where I deliberately introduce a person or situation and deal with it or allow it to unfold. Gratitude, where I recognize those circumstances or situations, or those persons (even circumstances, situations or persons that caused me suffering, pain or difficulty) which helped me to mature, grow, and learn... and to formally express my gratitude for having had the experience. Lastly, I will practice what is termed 'Open-Gate Practice', where I will flow through time in chronological order... allowing memories and thoughts to come in whatever order they present themselves... basically letting the process unfold in its own way. I will take a particular period and first work with 'Forgiveness' practice for a week... and then revisit it with'Gratitude Practice' and finally once again with 'Open-Gate' practice for the final week... and then I will move on to the next five year period. (The math will not work out exactly for the 'counters' out there... this is a mutable and more or less free-flowing practice. I have given it a light semblance of a structure.. but this is simply a guide... which is meant to assist me in ensuring that I cover the entire course of my life, and hopefully to help me to achieve my overall goals).

This process will cycle through the three types of practice, moving through the years until the week of 30 November 2008 when I will begin to gather and organize all of my personal documents, photos, etc. - both to bring a chaotic mess under some control, and also as a gift of kindness and compassion to whoever the task of setting my affairs in order happens to fall to after my inevitable death. It is my hope to make this task as simple and as painless as possible for whoever must see to it.

At a later date, I will be introducing additional forms of practice, as well as some other projects and exercises. Essentially, we have ended the first phase of the practice, which, for me, involved a certain degree of difficulty... a 'Dark Night' of sorts... but, I can feel an upswing beginning, and am looking forward to beginning this next portion of the practice.

La Noche Oscura Del Alma

2008-08-29T22:24:00.003-04:00

Over the past twenty days or so, I have turned my attention inwards... as I am wont to do from time to time (I am a monk, after all... )

My days have been long, and I taken some perverse joy from the physical exhaustion, even while I was suffering as a result... The economy has done nothing to help out, financially, and there is nothing other to do than to work as hard and as long as I am capable of doing. This has become more or less a matter of survival. The choice is 'Just do it'.. or possibly end up with no place to live, and nothing to eat. I take joy from the simple truth of my being physically strong, mentally tough, and spiritually resilient, and that I have the opportunity to work the extra hours in order to get through the rough patches. This is a blessing that many others do not enjoy.. so, I am not complaining at all. I am fortunate. The situation is difficult, but by no means insurmountable. Of late, the financial situation has taken a turn for the better, so hopefully the 'work binge' will slack off a bit.. or, more accurately, the dire need for the work binge will slack off. In any case, this is what life is bringing, and it is my story... so I am diving into it, with both feet, and immersing myself in life, just as it is.

I am training in two monastic offices simultaneously, and holding two others... this involves a great deal of memorization, as well as the learning of a huge body of very exacting liturgy and ritual. I love what I am learning, but it takes a huge effort to learn properly.

Somewhere in the midst of all this the truth of my mortality hit home with the force of a hurricane.

Although the life review, which is a part of this practice, doesn't start until 15 September, I am finding that it is nearly impossible for me to avoid conducting informal impromtu 'mini life reviews' as I go through my daily routine, and also, at times, I must admit that it creeps into my practice.

I have been 'remembering' many of the failures, bad decisions, false starts, and out and out crappy things that I have done... as well as the disappointments, heartbreaks, and bleak times.

Many of these topics and incidents had been conveniently pushed from the forefront of my mind, and now I find them all rushing back; which tells me that they have never been properly confronted or dealt with effectively - simply swept under the rug. (Any rug will, apparently, do just fine it would seem). At first I was somewhat dismayed by all this crap that came rushing in to wash over me and leave me gasping and flailing and trying to keep my head above water...

... Now I think I am grateful for a chance to simply face this stuff directly, and accept it for what it is. I am beginning to realize that we need both day and night. Both good and bad... so, I suppose I must find my center, and try to achieve some degree of balance.

While I have more or less let my mind flow with the thoughts that have been coming... observing, noting and practicing soft belly as the need arose... I have not done much more than to simply let the thoughts arise and move on...

When Life Review practice begins, I will start to work with this stuff. I am not particularly looking forward to this... but it is going to be a long and probably difficult process... and the only way past it is through it. I don't want to turn my face away from the unpleasant parts any longer... I think that by doing this, we injure ourselves in some fashion.

So.. I will be facing whatever comes... in practice, or in my life, directly and head on. Pretty much from here on out. This is more or less what I do. But, in all honesty, this is not what I have always done... so there is a great deal of work to be done.

Intellectually, I am aware that this work will involve opening my heart to whatever comes during the life review, and of forgiving both the others who I perceive to have done me wrong, and, most importantly - forgiving myself for the stupidities, failures, and all of the other things that didn't work out as planned, or just plain blew up in my face over the years. This is the part that I fear will be the most difficult. Nevertheless.. I am going to have to find a way to do it, or I will be stuck swimming in circles over these issues that now long in the past... so I suppose it is up to me to decide what it is that I am going to do.

Life Review will not be all bad, of course... actually, most of it will be pleasant and enjoyable... but, thats sort of like saying "You can play and enjoy yourself all day long... for hours and hours... I will only be sticking a needle in you for a few seconds each day!!" -- you see?

But, this is the practice.. and it is already doing a great deal of good for me.

One of the offices that I am being trained to hold is called 'JikiJutsu -- here is a Wikipedia entry:

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

A jikijitsu (直日) is the individual in charge of directing monks to the zendo to sit zazen in a Japanese Zen Monastery. Their position is that of head monk, and they are generally regarded as strict disciplinarians. Their position is considered most desirable to hold in the meditation hall. The jikijitsu also ensures that the monks get to sleep and wake up on time according to a strict protocol. During zazen, the jikijitsu will walk around the zendo wielding a kaisaku (or, Zen stick), which is used to strike a student's back when they have lost focus. These strikes are generally not violent, and will often relieve muscle cramps for the individual being struck. In the Rinzai school, the jikijitsu may strike a student without a student's request if they feel the student has gone astray. In the Soto school, a student will ask for a blow by placing both palms together as the jikijitsu walks in front of them.

The other office is called 'Eno'. The Eno in a Zen Monastery, Temple, or Zendo is the 'Chant Master'. The Eno chants the dedications of merit before each chant and also leads the chanting service. Often, when some special chanting ceremony or ritual is required, it is the Eno who is responsible for doing this.

The way that we are taught our duties and responsibilities is through a one to one relationship with the teacher. Day by day we are taught a little bit more, and we are constantly corrected on what we have already been taught. By this method, we eventually learn what we must know, or at least enough to do a passable job.

As for perfection? Well.. I am still trying to figure out precisely what that is...

These positions take literally years to learn properly. Every action is deliberate, and every movement must be polished and executed with poise and with grace. This is Zen.. and, this is life. We take it a second, a minute, a day at a time... In Zen, it is the journey that is the focus; and not the destination. In this journey, we are always arriving, every minute... and we are always dying.. with every breath.

In my forays into the 'pre-life review life review' I have been mostly satisfied with my life.. thrilled actually with how things are currently... somewhat regretful of how I chose to do things in the past... but extremely happy with how things have turned out. Just about the only exception to this is in the realm of my career... So, much of my attention is likely going to be cast in this direction. I have mentioned this issue already, and I have been letting it slowly turn and percolate in my mind.

I am taking heart from my determination to face things directly, and I have been doing this for some years now... and it has worked wonders.

Although living a perfect life may be out of reach for most people, I think that living a life of authenticity is not so far out of our reach, if we are willing to simply face things and to see them as they are.

While I think my lifestyle lends itself to authenticity, I suspect that there is a great deal of work to be done. This is probably the most important issue that I am facing.

As T.S. Eliot said, "There is one who remembers the way to your door:
Life you may evade, but Death you shall not.
You shall not deny the Stranger.

They constantly try to escape
From the darkness outside and within
By dreaming of systems so perfect that no one will need to be good.
But the man that is shall shadow
The man that pretends to be.
"

Authenticity. That is all there really is.... because everything else?? ... is Bullshit!!

One Month

2008-08-09T10:42:00.003-04:00

A month has already passed since I have begun this practice.

The corollary being that I now have eleven months (and change..) left to live..

One month ago, the thought of having only one year left to live was.. well... frightening.. at least on the surface.

Intellectually, I feel as though I should be appalled that a month has slipped through my fingers, already... except;

it hasn't.

With very few exceptions, I have squarely faced every moment of this past month. I haven't retreated from unpleasantness by trying to wish it away, or by succumbing to pointless anger, or by simply retreating into my head and "getting through" the tough parts by numbing my brain, or turning my thoughts entirely inward... nor, for that matter, have I shrunk away from introspection... I have simply done my best to keep my focus on that point between.

We look inward to explore our past... Outward to hope and plan for our future... but where to we actually exist?? Well, on that tiny point in between the past and the future... the present moment.

Soft-Belly practice has helped me to begin opening my heart... even to the unpleasant & unavoidable occurrences that come along with frightening regularity.... Observing and Noting practice has helped me to learn how my body, and how my mind react to these moments and incidents... and I am beginning to learn how to replace that reaction with a more appropriate response.

There is a paradox in this; while I am living more and more mindfully, and finding that I am becoming more and more successful at staying in the present moment... and living much more fully in so doing! ... I am also noticing a certain measure of detachment to all of these goings on.

It isn't that I care any less... I actually care much more... it just seems that life doesn't strike me as being so personal... where the good things are mine... and the bad things are aimed at me. It occurs to me that the universe is impersonal... it does not conspire... it doesn't hold grudges... and it doesn't help or save either....

If you are standing on the spot where the rocks will fall when the earthquake hits... you will die. If you are standing a few feet away from the spot where the rocks will fall when the earthquake hits... you may be injured. And if you are nowhere near the spot where the rocks will fall when the earthquake hits.. you may emerge unscathed, or you may not. Something else might happen. Its as simple as that. That sounds as though we have only a one in three chance of making it safely through.. and perhaps that is true... but, here we all are, despite the odds.

So... time passes... day and night cycle by... turn into weeks.. months... and years... we look back and wonder where the time went, and talk about how much better it was way back then... in the good old days! (The implication being that today isn't quite as good).

Well.. maybe that is so... maybe we live through times where the world is spinning itself apart all around us... but, whether or not we can change that... we are still living in it...

Today... right now... will, at some point in the future... be looked back upon and remembered by someone as "The Good Old Days".

In order to remember those great times... there had to have been great times to remember... so, to my mind, why wait years before we enjoy them??

I have less than eleven months to live... my good old days are right now!!

... and do you know what the freaky weird part of it is??

So are yours!

All of it

2008-08-03T10:10:00.013-04:00

.
.

I have been following this practice for just short of one month. I had expected that there would be some insights, perhaps a shift in perception or priority, or something.

One very huge change in my way of viewing things, however, I did not at all expect;

I am finding that when days come where I am not feeling all that well, when I am tired, or when I am in a great deal of pain (such as this morning.. I did quite a bit of work yesterday which involved many hours of standing, bending, and turning, lifting heavy loads, and often carrying them on slippery floors - which makes one stand and walk oddly; out of fear of falling, I suppose...) - I am hurting in places where I hadn't known I had places! (My hair hurts ... and I don't have any hair!)

I am finding that, rather than being miserable, or annoyed, or any of the emotions or mental states that have habitually accompanied such pain or disability, I am actually happy, appreciative (yes.. that's what I said!) and upbeat, pain not withstanding.

Yes, I am hurting. Yes, it prevents me from being able to move or even be the way I normally do.. at least physically. But, I don't care. It is simply one more thing to get used to... they stream at us unendingly... so, why kick and scream about it?? Bring it on!

The pain isn't any less than I remember, and I still find it somewhat embarrassing to be hobbling about, but, with only 11 months and just over 5 days of life left; I am simply happy to be able to feel even this. At any rate, it certainly beats getting stabbed in the eye with a sharpened stick! And.. I don't intend on allowing some discomfort to steal away the the precious time that I have left to me.. however long it is. I can choose to get bogged down by some issue that is less than pleasant, or I can accept it with an open heart, appreciate that my physical body is functioning properly, and efficiently protecting itself from more damage while it repairs and mends all of the wee bits that I strained, stretched, spindled, and mutilated, and simply get on with it!

In the Irish language, current protocol insists that when we are speaking in English, and describing the language, we should call it 'Irish' as opposed to 'Gaelic'. When speaking Gaelic (Hey!) however, we call the language Gaelic, in Gaelic.. so there! Don't ask... its just the way it is!

Scottish Gaelic is Ghaidhlig in Gaelic, and Irish Gaelic is Gaeilge in Gaelic, but, when speaking of (Irish) Gaelic in English.. its 'Irish' and not 'Gaelic'.. or you get one of those looks! You may, however, refer to Scottish Gaelic as Gaelic, and although you may still get a look, it will be a look that has nothing to do with what term you are using to refer to Gaelic, but more of a look that is wondering why you would refer to it at all... or something.

Anyway, in Irish we have a proverb; "Marbh le té agus marbh gan é" (we don't use the letters the same way as they are used in English - this is pronounced ((roughly)) as Maruv ((or Maduv, since you sort of roll the R)) luh tay ah-guss maduv gahn ay) - 'Marbh' means 'dead'. 'Le' means 'with'. Té is Tea. 'Agus' means 'and'. Gan is 'gone' and 'é' is 'it'.

So the overall meaning would be, literally "Dead with your tea, and dead without it." - the implication being, for those whose eyes have begun to glaze over, that one should, when faced with an unavoidable and miserable set of circumstances, take enjoyment out of whatever becomes available to you.. regardless of how seemingly insignificant this enjoyment may appear to be. Each situation will present different possibilities... some are better than others... some are much, much worse... but there is always something. The trick is to find it, and to make the very best of it. Truthfully, it may be all you have.. so... why waste it??

When I was a young warrior attending Paratrooper training or 'Jump School' we were, on one particular day, receiving instruction on possible malfunctions or mishaps.

In this particular part of the class, we were learning how to deploy our reserve parachute if the main chute failed to properly deploy, and if we were unable, for some reason, to cut it away... due to altitude (which determines how much time you have to fart around with things... sort of like life, right?! The closer you are to hitting the ground.. the less time you have to fool around with unimportant details! Ha!)

Anyhoo.. we were taught that this particular situation would likely result in a 'spin'.. this means that as we plummeted towards earth, the raggedy-assed and useless malfunctioning parachute that was trailing our fall in a streamer of death would cause us to spiral towards earth, rather than simply falling to earth in an orderly and military fashion!

If we were to simply pop the reserve chute this is what would likely happen; as we spiraled towards the earth, the reserve chute would begin to deploy, and our spiraling motion would cause the reserve parachute to wind around the main parachute, getting it hopelessly entangled and effectively putting an end to any minute hope we may have harbored at actually living through this situation.

If the main chute winds and becomes entangled with the main chute - you are a bomb.

That's all! Thank you for playing... Good EVEning!! It's sort of like winning second prize in a Mexican Cliff Diving competition - you get a plaque that reads '2nd Place - "Stuff on a Rock"' Very nice.

So.. in order to avoid that admittedly yummy sounding outcome, we were taught to hold the parachute tightly to our body (the reserve parachute is located just over your solar plexus.. just so this makes sense) ease the ripcord out, and drop it...(you don't need that any more.. it just gets in the way, and its one more thing to land on if you screw this up!), gather the parachute into both hands, and throw it down and towards whatever direction you happen to be spinning.

The Blackhat (Airborne Instructors are called Blackhats.. because they wear hats... that are, well, black... so, well... you know... I'm just sayin'!) who was teaching the class described this action as being similar to passing a basketball - you sort of bounce the ball towards the other player.

Some bright-light amongst us Airborne student asked "What do you do if it doesn't work?", and the Blackhat sagely replied, "What the hell do you think you might do, cool breeze?!?! You reel that reserve chute back in and you try it again! -- UNTIL YOU GET IT RIGHT!!"

He then put his fists on his hips, surveyed the motley crowd of soldiers gaping at him and asked "...and how long do you think you might have to GET IT RIGHT??"

After a few seconds of 'deer-in-the-headlight' eyeballs and fly-catching gaping mouths, you could see the wheels begin to spin as each soldier present began to try to extrapolate a suitable time-frame from dividing the likely altitude by the terminal velocity of a falling human body (A free falling object achieves its terminal velocity when the downward force of gravity (Fg) equals the upward force of drag (Fd). This causes the net force on the object to be zero, resulting in an acceleration of zero.

Mathematically an object asymptotically approaches and can never reach its terminal velocity. However, in something that will likely only last for a very short period of time, relatively speaking, the Army allows us to approximate a correct answer in this instance, so we are taught that terminal velocity for our purposes is approximately 120 MPH which can be increased to approximately 200 MPH if the falling individual pulls his or her limbs in close to their body... in case you were wondering) in order to come up with some answer that sounded plausible... (it would be measured in seconds, by the way...) after a few moments of mental gymnastics on the part of the student body, the answers began to trickle in; "Um.. a minute?" "NO, JACKASS!! NICE TRY! GET DOWN!!

('Get Down!' is Army parlance for 'Do pushups!' -- this act of doing pushups serves as penance, punctuation (i.e. a physical exclamation point to be appended to some concept, issue, or statement that the person in charge is trying to convey..) or, strangely, a way of enhancing esprit de corps. Go figure! But, it works.. This particular set of pushups translated as, 'Wrong Answer! Stop that!') - wrong answers continued to roll in.. "Ten seconds?" ""NO! GET DOWN!", "2.354 seconds?" "HOLY SHIT!! WHO ARE YOU?! ALFRED EINFELD?! NO!! GET DOWN!!"

(I, rather diplomatically, I thought.. forewent the correction which begged to be administered in that one, by the way...) followed by punitive pushups, until the Blackhat, in exasperation at the density of our skulls, leaned his face closer to us (obstensibly to get his huge, loud mouth a few inches closer to our ears, I guess..) and bellowed, at the top of his lungs, "YOU HAVE THE REST OF YOUR MISERABLE, WORTHLESS LIVES TO GET IT RIGHT!! SO KEEP TRYING UNTIL YOU DO GET IT RIGHT.. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!?!?!"

Point taken. This happened to be one of those moments in my life when somebody made a point with a specific situation in mind.. and the advice turned out to be a gem of wisdom that applied to everything although they may not have intended it that way. As an aside, I happened to run into that particular Blackhat just a few months ago, and was able to tell him how that advice had made such an impression on me, and to thank him for teaching me well, and for doing his job in such an exemplary fashion. In turn, he introduced me to his entire family, and I got a bone-crushing, gut squelching hug that one can only receive from a fellow soldier, or a fellow boxer... you soldiers and fighters out there will recognize this as a truth.

Regarding my present practice, and some of the realizations that are stemming from it - Well, they are fairly simple, really; The time is passing very quickly; more quickly than I would have expected. The time that I have left to live is literally flying by at an unprecedented speed... and there is nothing whatsoever that I can do to slow it down, or to stop it.

I have the time that I have... and that is all. Apparently, some part of my brain that is not readily accessible to me has shifted in some fashion, with the result that I am feeling appreciative of even the moments that in the past I most likely would not have found so very deserving of my appreciation.

What is even more surprising to me, is that I have never made this jump in perspective in the past. Oh... I have briefly made a token nod to it when I was in a "sour grapes" frame of mind, and powerless to change it... but underneath the facade of bravado and partial acceptance, I was... well, dissatisfied. It seems to me that fundamentally, there is no difference in my life during this practice than there was prior to it. The end of my life was rushing to intercept my life with blinding speed from the moment I drew my first breath.

I reckon I was simply blind to it until now.

Another strange thing is that I would have thought that keeping the fact of my not so distant death (well.. no matter how you look at it.. it can only be what... 50 years, tops?) in the forefront of my mind would have been oppressive and saddening.. perhaps even causing anger, or at least a sense of helpless futility. But this is not what I am experiencing. On the contrary, I find it to be liberating. My life from moment to moment is lighter and I seem much better equipped to take the bumps and knocks in stride. The crappy bits that plague most of our days simply don't seem to me to be all that big of a deal really.

There are no bad days... and there are no good days; there are only days. And, frankly, when I open my eyes in the morning to find that I woke under my own steam, and that I can get up unaided - no tubes, no wires, no medications.. just me. No matter whether I am sleepy, or that I have to go somewhere and do something that I might not prefer to do... or that I have financial worries, or any other types of concerns. I woke up. You have to be alive to wake up.... its a good day to start with; So why bring a bad day to you?

Every thing that passes my attention and my focus is my life. Every single minute detail. What I decide to get hung up on is within my power to decide. What I am learning is that when I would turn my attention to some physical pain that is hindering me, I allow it to encompass my entire world with the result that I miss the tens of thousands of other things that are pleasant, and welcome, and indescribably beautiful. Whatever misery I happen to be facing is only a very small part of the whole - but, it is a part... and I will take it. Whatever it is. I have learned to accept my life in whatever form it takes as it unfolds.

This is well, because it is my life... all of it!

This practice has bestowed some very special, very valuable, and quite unlooked-for gifts upon me. I am very grateful for this. Life is short, and nothing is guaranteed. I cannot afford to squander a single second. Not ever again.

My life, you see, is just as it is.. and that is precisely what it should be... Other people's lives may be different... but mine is following the path that it follows... I can direct it to some degree, but wherever it goes, and whatever form it takes, it happens to be the only life that I have.

Marbh le té, agus marbh gan é! - HA!

Priorities

2008-08-01T23:03:00.003-04:00

Being aware of the impermanence of my life on such a deep level and on such a constant basis has made me think deeply about what is truly important. I don't think that it is likely that I can create a list of what is important for all of humanity, or even for a relatively high percentage of humanity since we all tend to inject our own meaning into life. What is important to some is meaningless to others.

However, I must confront my own life and death; and, when faced with the inevitability of my own death; I find that my priorities tend to become something that I am more or less constantly examining and fine-tuning.

Honestly, there are no major changes in my priorities; my monastic practice is, by extension, a form of dying practice. I think most monastics would tend to agree with this assertion. What I am discovering is that I am becoming more intimately acquainted with my thoughts, my perceptions, and the ebb and flow of my emotions. This is helping me a great deal in the task of articulating to myself, and, I suppose, to others, what is going on in the interior of my heart and my mind. Particularly regarding this question of priorities.

To my mind, I really only own three things. When I say this, what I am attempting to convey, or at least to imply, is that there are only three attributes or qualities or 'things' (if you can call them things..) that cannot be taken from me by force. I have to give them away by choice... or sell them.

Everything else that I "have" (or delude myself into believing that I have), including my life, my sense of self, my memories, my sight, hearing and other senses... even my very identity or awareness of myself as a person... *everything* can be taken. Except for three treasures.

These three treasures are;

My Love.

My Generosity.

My Integrity.

These are the only 'things' that I truly own.

Most of what we use to define ourselves is, eventually, rendered meaningless.

Naturally, I don't mean to say that we should all quit working and being productive members of society... things wouldn't work out so well... but, at least for me, balance is best achieved, I think, when I know what is most important, and what is merely 'important'.

Love. Generosity. Integrity.

If I had a choice, I don't think I would change a thing.

Observing & Noting.. Why?

2008-07-29T23:25:00.005-04:00

I wanted to talk about 'Observing & Noting' practice for a moment.

What is the purpose of this practice, and why do we do it? Most importantly, why or how is it relevant to 'Dying Practice'?

Well, Dying Practice is primarily about facing fear, accessing life more fully, developing a degree of equanimity, and most of all; opening the heart.

In order to be able to do this, it is important to know how to go about it... or, to at least have some idea of where to start.

Since each of us is unique, how do we teach these skills??

Well, if we don't know where to go... we can at least begin by eliminating the paths, habits, and behaviors that we know are not the 'right' ones.

Essentially, there are three attributes that we are attempting to develop;

Asserting the truth.

Not indulging in anger.

Giving (of our possessions, and of ourself).

This is oversimplifying to a certain degree... but it will do for now, at least.

When we are less than honest, either with ourselves or with others; when we are becoming angry (or fearful - which is often the root of anger..); and when we withold our aid - there are physical body patterns that we can perceive. Soft Belly practice is a push in the right direction towards feeling one of the least subtle body patterns; a tight gut. When we are frightened, anxious, angry, resentful, or feeling some other afflictive emotion, this is one of the body patterns that is easiest for us to detect. This is a fairly universal body pattern. In some people, the shoulders will tense, the brow will knit, our jaw will clench, we will sweat, or fidget, or any of a number of body patterns.

Observing and Noting coupled with Soft Belly will gently guide us on the path towards knowing ourselves - physically, at first... and then, gradually, this perception will expand and deepen.

While we are looking for physical sensations, feelings, reactions, etc., we can slowly begin to associate them with the emotions that we are feeling at the time. This is where the 'Noting' portion of Observing and Noting comes in to the picture.

The more skilled we become in this practice, the quicker we will detect our mental state... the further 'upstream' we are able to do this, the more easily we can begin to 'short circuit' angry/fearful/pre-scripted habitual reactions that stem from these afflictive emotions and the better equipped we are at replacing them with skillful, kind, and compassionate responses.

First, however, we must be able to develop the mindfulness necessary to step in before the reactions 'go off'.

This is the purpose of this practice; at least in the context in which we are using it for Dying Practice.

Additionally, once we are capable of responding to life, rather than reacting to it, we begin to develop the ability to confront, and to accept those situations and circumstances that we had previously reacted to with contempt, aversion, fear, or loathing. Once we can accept whatever life unfolds and reveals to us, with tranquility, and with a sense of calm equanimity, we may learn that many of the fears and aversions that we have held onto so very tightly for most of our lives have existed only in the confines of our minds. We create most of our own suffering. And when we suffer, even though it was self-imposed, our attempt to escape from the discomfort only causes us more suffering. (Don't believe me? Read "The Story About Ping" by Marjorie Flack and Kurt Wiese which illustrates this very beautifully, and with humor and insight as well.)

Holding on is a habit that we develop very early on in life. Letting go is a skill that many never seem to learn... and fewer seem to master.

Life is a gift... and, in the giving of any gift, there must be an act of letting go. One person must accept and take hold of the gift... and the other must present and let go... or there can be no giving.

In order for us to be able to access the gift of an open heart... so that we may create room in which we may live and grow.. we must first learn to let go. To give.

Giving is what Soft Belly and Observing and Noting practice teach.

In order to accept this gift, we must free ourselves of anger, and we must learn to be truthful.. we do this by freeing ourselves of fear. Once we let go of our fear, we find that we are free of both the need to indulge anger and the need to deceive. How??

Both Compassion and Anger live within us... or, to be more accurate; the potential for both of these attributes exist within us... the seeds you might say.

The same is true of the seeds of truth and deception.

We must simply learn to choose properly; so that we may water the seeds that we wish to grow. By being mindful or our emotions as they arise and dissolve... and of the physical sensations that they create and leave in their wake, we develop a more intimate knowledge of ourself, and a sense of the interiority of others, as well. By being attentive, by observing, by noting what we are feeling.. and how it is affecting us, and by applying 'Soft Belly' and letting go of the afflictive emotions as they arise, we become more centered, more balanced, more stable. Upon this foundation of stability, we may begin to develop compassion; towards ourselves, towards others, towards all beings.

Once we have done this, we may enter and take refuge within the unimaginable vastness of an open heart.

Open your hand... open your heart. This is my teaching for today.

Enjoying your garden..

2008-07-27T11:23:00.012-04:00

This practice has taught me something that is value regarding how to approach my own life. It is my habit and my joy to spend time in my garden. When we first moved into our cottage, the area was overgrown and the property had been used more or less as a pseudo-landfill. Using only our effort and some hand tools, we slowly transformed the ugliness that had prevailed, allowing the beauty to shine through.

During the first year that we lived in this place, we effectively doubled the usable size of the property. We took five full-sized truckloads of garbage and junk out of the ground. Every square inch of ground was dug up down to perhaps 3 feet, and put through a sifter that I built.

A tree that was maybe 60 to 70 feet tall had fallen some years prior to our arrival in this place, coming to rest diagonally across the property. The tree had grown on a neighbor's property, but had been left to lie where it had fallen, and a small forest of saplings sprouted around it, growing around the through the tangled branches. Knitting and twining themselves to the old tree, and holding it to the ground. With only a chainsaw and muscle, the large tree was painstakingly cut into sections and neatly stacked on the neighbor's property for proper removal. The saplings were individually removed with a shovel, trowel, and clippers.

To our delight, we discovered bulbs and plants that were carefully transplanted and nurtured, and little by little, step by step, the garden began to take shape.

Nearly all of the plants were transplants, rescues (from areas that were being dug up for construction and development), or gifts; i.e. The hydrangea were sent as condolence flowers to my wife's paternal grandmother's funeral. Some plants were brought from other states by family as donations.

Every plant in this garden has a story. Each one of them is a friend that I have known from root, pod, or seed. Each has been a source of joy when it has thrived, or tears when it has not.

A garden is a strange and wonderful thing. One must have a great deal of optimism when planting a garden; for one must hold a belief that there will be a time when all of the hard work will come to fruition. And it does! All of the sore muscles, stinging blisters, scratches, bites, and stings are well worth it.

In this post, I will share some recent photos of my garden, and some of the wisdom that it has offered in thanks for helping it to grow.

Sitting in the garden, drinking coffee, listening to "Sunday Baroque" on NPR, and reading a book is not enjoying your garden.. it is enjoying your coffee, the music, and your book.

Sitting in the garden and creating a 'To Do' list of all of the gardening tasks that must be attended to is not enjoying your garden.. it is planning your work.

Sitting in the garden and breathing... appreciating the beauty of the plants.. feeling the warmth of the sun, the coolness of the breeze, the smell of the grass, the soil, the flowers.. listening the drone of the bees and the singing of birds.. the wind chimes tinkling.. feeling the textures of bark, leaf, twig, cone, branch, petal, and stone.. noticing the multitudinous teeming lifeforms that cover every square inch of ground, normally beneath our sightline.. marveling at the intricate geometry of nature... and truly realizing that you are a part of it all...

This is enjoying your garden!

Making some headway...

2008-07-26T10:50:00.007-04:00

It seems that both the "Soft-Belly" practice and the "Noting & Observing" practice are beginning to become somewhat easier to practice as a matter of course, though I still catch 'slips' now and again.

Honestly, there is some part of me that is still horrified at how quickly the time is passing... A year doesn't seem at all to be a great deal of time from where I now sit.

On the other hand, I feel as though I am using each moment with much more skill and clarity, though I think I still have quite a long way to go.

Accepting death as an eventuality is quite a bit harder to internalize than I would have liked to admit... but, even so, I feel that I am making quite a bit of headway there as well.

Initially, I wanted to sort of skip through the "Soft-Belly" and "Noting & Observing" practice, as I viewed it pretty much as more or less a reprise of my normal Zen practice. I am retrospectively glad that I ultimately decided not to do this, and to stick to the program... I am learning a great deal from what struck me initially as a simple practice. So... a valuable lesson in learning what you do not know, but think (inaccurately) that you do!

This too, I am attempting to bring into my daily life practice... to simply accept that I do not know, rather than to assert that I do... and I am finding that when I am capable of letting go, I find that I learn... this is good. If this is the only benefit derived from Dying Practice, it is well worth the effort and the time! Happily, it is not the only benefit... I am beginning to see some change... both inwardly and outwardly... and this is surprising to me for some reason.

I value everything much more than I had... and I have long been one to appreciate the most simple things in life. So... even in this, I am learning and growing.

I have been told that one of my best characteristics is that I am very childlike. The person who said this went on to say that one of my worst characteristics is that I am very childlike! I am hoping that I will find a way to refine this quality so that the balance tips in favor of this attribute being a quality... and not a fault.

So... all in all, I think the practice is coming along. It is much more difficult than I expected, and in ways that I had not considered. Some part of me recognizes that it will only get more difficult as the practice progresses... but, I am prepared to accept the difficulty... although I do not look forward to it...

I will just have to trust that the practice will help me to prepare to deal with the difficulty by the time I am confronted with it.

In September, I will begin a comprehensive 'Life-Review'. The goal of this practice is to forgive myself and others for wrongs that I have committed, and for wrongs that have been committed against me... to tie up and complete all of my unfinished business... part and parcel with this Life-Review will be some physical exercises; I will be compiling all of the documents that are needful after my actual death, and putting them in an easily accessible place; making a living will, going through my personal belongings and simplifying my life so that I may begin fresh and new once this practice has been successfully completed.

To me, one of the most difficult parts will be facing those things that I consider to have been ill-considered and ill-done acts that I have done in my past... let downs, failures, stupidities, cop-outs, etc.,.. with brutal honesty... and still finding a way to forgive myself and let it go... I don't really look forward to this, but I know it is one of the most crucial parts of this practice.

My mind is already beginning to take stock of my life as it is right now... I am happy with the lion's share of my life... but unhappy with respect to my employment/vocation situation. I truly would love to find some method of earning a living doing something for which I am a good 'fit'. So far, this has eluded me, despite my best efforts... I cannot even begin to determine what this means...

I know what I like to do... but I cannot see anyone paying me a living wage to do it! Other vocations that attract me require education and skills that I do not have... and am beginning to consider out of my reach given my current financial situation.. which is, to be honest, somewhat bleak... this is not meant by way of complaint, but simply by way of illustration.

The very nature of this practice forces me to look closely at how things are, however, and to compare this with what I think would be some positive directions in which I may begin to head... naturally, common sense would dictate that there are limitations that will also dictate what may and may not be reasonably expected...

Another part of me is aware that people accomplish tasks that were deemed to be 'impossible' on a daily basis... so, I am not quite ready to curl up and die just yet...

This biggest problem that I have is an internal one; You see, in order to get from one place to another, you must know how to get there... and in order to do this you must (MUST!) first have two valuable pieces of information; You must know where you are starting from. And, you must know where it is, precisely, that you wish to go! -- And this is where the problem chiefly lies: I have no idea what I would want to do for a living.. so, I am relegated at the moment to accepting a 'job' that at least assists in getting some bills paid.

So.. this practice has at least helped me to take the first step in solving that problem, which is 'Identifying the Problem'. Its a start, at least.

I like writing, but I don't have the education or the skill, I think, to make a living at it...

I am an artist, but, same problem with that.... folks want to see a piece of paper showing that you graduated from a University... although I tend to wonder at this.. either you are able to create beauty... or you are not??

I think I would be a good counselor, but, again, the education problem rears its head....

Other times, I feel that I would do best at working on a job that does not involve interacting with others.. where I can simply focus entirely on my task...

As you can see, in this respect, my thoughts are scattered, ethereal, and maddeningly vague when it comes to figuring out 'what I want to be when I grow up'... and I have no idea why. Part of this problem, I believe, goes hand in hand with my monastic practice. To be a monk is to renounce the world as it is.. and to choose to live a lifestyle that is somewhat different and apart from mainstream society.. Part of me simply doesn't buy into the whole 'amassing wealth' focus that so many other people have... intellectually I understand the necessity.. but, in my heart.. I just don't 'get it'. This is a problem, and it reflects a portion of my personality and character that very badly need to find and achieve balance.. so I will have to work on this. I live in the world... I engage others on a daily basis... This creates financial responsibilities... so, I have to confront this and work it out. Period.

This practice brings many things to the surface... and this is one of the benefits.

Once you uncover something that is a problem, however, you are more or less forced to deal with it, or to endure it... which is also a benefit, I suppose...

Without problems.. we cannot progress.

I think I am slowly beginning to make some headway.